Guy To Friend Reading Want Ads

"The GAP had a sign that they're looking for 'Motivated Go-Getters.' What motivated go-getter wants to fold shirts? They should be looking for 'Friendly Idiots.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Elderly Gents With Specific Taste In Movies

Old Guy 1: "I watched a movie last night. It had that dwarf in it. That little lady sure was some actress."
Old Guy 2: "Who would you say was the best short actor you've ever seen?"

OVERHEARD BY DAVE

Loud Lady In Coffee Shop

"LET'S JITTERBUG! C'MON! I NEED A PARTNER! I TOOK MY WACKY PILLS THIS MORNING! LET'S DANCE! PLAY THAT SONG AGAIN! I had too much sugar in my coffee."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Fellow Overhearer Passing Excited Guy On Street

Guy: "...and the funny part is, the winery's called Plumpjack! Ha! And I'm all, 'Plumpjack. Well, what is it...is it like a...some sort of...anyway.'"
Overhearer: "Darn. That sounded like it was going somewhere."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Hipsters Hanging Outside Bar

Guy 1: "I know you're wasted. Cuz I'm wasted. I'm on meth. What are you on? X? Meth?"
Guy 2: "Pizza."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman At Work Discussing Home Furnishing

"It's a really comfortable chair, but it's. . .orange."

OVERHEARD BY JIM G

Group Of Friends Walking Down Street

Girl 1: "You guys are so cute! You're like an old married couple!"
Girl 2: "You're just saying that because we can't decide on a restaurant."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl With Not A Good Enough Clue

"I'll give you a clue. It was in my head every time you said 'chimichanga.'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman On MUNI

"So they sent me a letter saying he'd been stabbed and was dead, and I just went looney tunes. But they were graceful enough to write back and say they were mistaken."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Word To This Guy's Mother

"I think from now on I'm only going to speak in expired slang."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl And Guy

Girl: " I hope we don't get there and you go, 'Oh, now I remember her -- I hate her!'"
Guy: "No, I'm pretty good at remembering the names of people I hate."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Computer Geek Enjoying An Aranciata

"That's weird. It's like an Orangina without the particulate matter."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Man On Man's Best Friend

"I hate dogs. Well, I hate that breed of dogs.... Actually, I guess I hate that dog."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Vet On MUNI

"Our neighbor is this real happy, roly-poly kid just out of high school. And he said he wanted to join the Army! I don't want him to have to go through what I went through. So I said, 'If you join the Army, I'm going to beat the crap out of you every time I see you.'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Humorous Nonfiction In Coffee Shop

Woman 1: "My friend's written a book that's humorous nonfiction --"
Woman 2: "Like that guy on late-night TV?"
Woman 1: "Who? Conan O'Brien?"
Woman 2: "No, that other guy."
Woman 1: "The Scottish guy? Craig Ferguson?"
Woman 2: "No... Maybe he's on HBO..."
Woman 1: "Bill Maher?"
Woman 2: "Yeah, him!"
Woman 1: "What about him?"
Woman 2: "Humorous nonfiction."
Woman 1: "Oh. Well, uh.... See, this is, like, a book."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman, Speculating On What Michael Jackson Must Be Thinking

"Lube up the tweens, I'm coming home!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Watching Jackson Verdict On TV

Newscaster on TV: "Inside that black SUV, an elated Michael Jackson."
Guy Watching: "What, now they just make up news? 'Inside that SUV, Michael Jackson must be playing cards. He's going to double-down now -- it's just that lucky kind of day.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Hipster, Discussing Local Dive Bar

"That place can be kinda down and out. But you gotta pick the right night."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Hipster To Friend On Mission Street

"See that sign down there that says 'B-A-R'? That's a bar."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman With Rarely-Applicable Comeback

"This conservative guy was all up in my face and so I said to him, 'Look. One of my ancestors was in the meeting where they drafted the Declaration of Independence in 1776. So don't call me un-American."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Trying To Chill

"Any time you have a banjo, it's hard to relax."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Starbucks Manager To Trainee

"We like to think this little book will elevate the coffee knowledge of any new hire."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Elevator Conversation Between 7th And 8th Floor

"...and she's all like, 'She's just going to get uglier with age. She's all witchy looking,' and I'm all like, 'That's not very nice,' and she's all like, 'She's just witchy looking,' and he goes, 'You know she talks about you behind your back,' and she's all, 'No, I don't! You're cute! What would I say?' and I'm all like..."

OVERHEARD BY MK

PC Woman And Non-PC Man

Man: "Ha! Look at that funny little Asian baby!"
Woman: "That's actually really racist. I mean, why do you have to specify it's an 'Asian' baby?"
Man: "So you don't think I'm talking about that little Mexican baby."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy To Cop Not Dressed As Cop

Guy: "Hey, look at you! You gonna be a plainclothesman now?"
Cop: "Naw. Some guys go for that, but I don't like it."
Guy: "You don't like entrapment?"
Cop: "Ha! Naw, you get better meals in uniform."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Two Guys In Coffee Shop, Misunderstanding Each Other

Guy 1: "How 'bout that Deep Throat?"
Guy 2: "Uh...no thanks."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Teen Girl To Friend, On A Hayride

"I could never be a cabbage farmer. It smells like ass!"

OVERHEARD BY ROB

Guy, On Why People Line Up Three Days In Advance

"I don't go to see Star Wars for award-winning performances. I go because they swing light sabres and shit."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girls Passing Shoe Store

Girl 1: "I think heels are comfortable. I run in heels. I walk in heels. I sleep in heels."
Girl 2: "Yeah, that ain't all you doing in bed with them heels."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl Bussing Table, To Fellow Busser

"Did you see that? I just stuck my finger in that, then went [slurping noise] -- just out of habit."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Two-Faced Mom At San Francisco Zoo

"Dude, look, those turtles are totally fucking.... What's that, honey? Oh, that turtle is helping his friend swim."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Cute Girls In Restaurant

Cute girl #1: "Lesbians like me because they think I'm a lesbian too."
Cute girl #2: "Yeah, guys like me for the same reason."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Direction Given To Writer On How To Talk About New Fall Coats

"We want to communicate that it's sophisticated even though it's scratchy."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Foodies Over Drinks

Guy 1: "The Culinary Institute of America is $46,000 for 18 months. That's like the Stanford of food!"
Guy 2: "But when you graduate, you get a set of Ginsu knives."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman, On Male Model Packed Into A Tight G-String

"Looks like he's packing a twelve-pack in a six-pack case."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

At The Oxygen Bar In Las Vegas Airport

Tourist: "Is this a hospital?"
Worker: "Um, no....it's an airport."
Tourist: "Then why are you giving them oxygen?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Showdog Drunks And Dads

Drunk 1: "I saw in a tabloid.... This dachshund was found chewing on a dead baby."
Drunk 2: "I'd have given my dog a medal if he'd gone after one or two of mine."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Teen To Soon-To-Be-Obese Friend

"You is the most lazy-ass fuckin' -- Why you getting on that bus when school is one block away?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Bitter Guy In Coffee Shop

"The only good thing about her is there aren't two of her."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

British Girl With Sad Sense Of Humor, Strolling On River Thames

"You think you know someone after six weeks, but it turns out you know shit-all. He's a lying, cheating shit.... But he makes me laugh."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

British Man Trying To Say "That Play Was Awesome"

"Not to push the point, but I must say that was quite well done."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Mom To Young Girl Standing On The Site Of Anne Boleyn And Lady Jane Grey's Beheadings

"Will you please calm down and try to enjoy this?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Man Planning A Corporate Team-Bonding Experience

"We need to make the clues really cryptic. Because a treasure hunt without good clues is just a tour of places you wouldn't ever really go."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Backpacker On Crowded MUNI Bus

"I've never seen this many Asians in one place.... Maybe Thailand."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

British Lady Waiting To See Play At Royal National Theatre

"Not many old people here. Not many middle-aged people here. Mostly young people here. We should have just stayed at home with the kids."

OVERHEARD BY JEFF