Woman Talking To Herself While Fueling At A Citgo Station

"Gas smells."

OVERHEARD BY AMERICAN GEISHA

Woman Talking To Herself While Reading Menu

"$9.95 comes with coffee or tea and your choice of Bloody Mary -- ooo, in the morning? Really?"

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

Teen Who Must Really Hate Barry Bonds

"I hate Hilary Duff. She's so skinny, she must be on steroids."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girls Watching Newscaster Invoke The Spirit Of K. K. Kringle

Girl 1: "Did he just say 'Aryan children need your help this holiday season'?"
Girl 2: "No, he said area children."
Girl 1: "Oh. Thank God."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Witty Noel Coward Banter At Christmas Dinner

Woman: "Why don't you open that wine and let it breathe?"
Man: "If it's not breathing, should I give it mouth-to-mouth?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Mall Santa Who Wasn't Quite Into Character Yet

"Hi. Merry Christmas. Hey, Merry Christmas. Hey, how's it going? Merry Christmas."

OVERHEARD BY MK

At A Fern Bar In San Francisco

"Someday Molly's boyfriend is going to find out she has a blog, and he's going to see all the pictures of her making out with other guys on it..."

OVERHEARD BY AMY

Animators At Party, Flirting In A Rankin/Bass Sort Of Way

Guy: "I know why you like me. I'm too much!"
Girl: "Eh, you're cool. But you're no Heat Miser."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy In Restaurant With Practical Pagan Parents

"They held me back a year, so I think my mom decided private Catholic school was no longer 'worth it.'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Waxing Nostalgic About His Exotic Childhood

"It was a whole other world. It was Ohio!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Cell Phone Guy On MUNI Who Was Definitely Telling The Truth

"You should see this haircut I just got. An abomination was perpretrated. Butchery!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Innovative Guys In Noe Valley Pizza Restaurant

Guy 1: "I want my body donated to science. Except for my testes."
Guy 2: "Maybe you could have those made into little Chinese worry balls for your wife."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who Sorta Takes After The Guy In The Previous Post's Grandfather

Guy 1: "It's like when I go to request a song, but I don't know the title or the artist. So I just say, 'Start playing songs and I'll tell you when you get it.'"
Guy 2: "I can't believe you're that annoying."
Guy 1: "At least I admit it."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who Sorta Takes After His Grandfather

"Grandma was such an angel. But grandpa was kind of a dick."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy In Restaurant Who's A Bonafide Hero

"I wanted a milkshake. But guess what? I didn't get it. Because I care. That jerk was just going to get a milkshake no matter who it affected. But I'm a paragon of empathy."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman Who Proves That People Who Live In Glass Houses Shouldn't Take Location Tours

"I was going to take the X-Files tour, but now they've turned it into the 'TV Tour,' and I didn't want to end up with all those geeks who watch Stargate."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Part-Time Fairy, Part-Time Lizard

"It's hard being the tooth fairy. You have to crawl in, on your stomach, like a reptile."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Vegetarian In Heavy Denial

Guy: "You're a vegetarian? But you're wearing a leather coat."
Girl: "This cow had polio."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman In Bar, Still Traumatized After All These Years

"I was always afraid Santa'd come to my house and be all, 'I'm 360 pounds and I made it down your chimney. Give me some milk, bitch!'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Man At Gay Wedding In Vancouver Art Gallery

"There are no open flames allowed in here. Except us."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Sappy Friends Getting All Gushy At The End Of Thanksgiving Weekend

Girl (to Guy): "Bye, Lady."
Guy (to Girl): "Bye, Tranny."
Other Guy (to Guy): "Bye, Fatty."
Guy (with a surprising lack of irony): "I'm glad I came!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Your Host At Overheard Lines, To Readers

"Happy thanksgiving! Back on Monday the 28th."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl Who's ... Well, You Know

"This afternoon I was dumb as a rock. Now I'm smart as a tack. ... Damn it! Sharp as a tack!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

US Girl Adjusting TV In Vancouver BC

"What's 'Volume 21' in U.S. volume?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Pocketing Tons Of Free Candies At A Restaurant, Only To Find Out They're Licorice-Flavored

"Oh well, I'll just give them away on the plane to children I don't like."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl With High-Pitched Voice To NYC Co-Worker (Presumably With Gravelly Voice)

“Ha ha ha. Yeah I know, I kind of wish I still smoked because I really liked smoking with you.”

OVERHEARD BY SIOBHAN

Elderly Man Describing New Toy To Half-Interested Waitress

"I got myself one of them three-wheelers. It sits there on the ground, has two big wheels and then another one."

OVERHEARD BY SCOTT

Teen Learning About The World At The National Zoo In Washington DC

"Ewww, I've seen these before. They had to eat these on Fear Factor!"

OVERHEARD BY ROD

Woman Who Won't Make The Zagat's Guide

"Oklahomans love Oklahoma. But every time I've been through there, it's a shithole to me."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Cell Phone Girl On MUNI To Boyfriend Who Must Have Had A Glimmer

"If you think I'm a bitch because of that then you just wait, because you have no idea."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Life At "Overheard Lines" Headquarters

Girl: "What's your overheard line for the day?"
Me: "I don't have one. Wanna say something funny?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

The Algonquin Roundtable? No, An L.A. Boutique!

Girl 1: "It's all, like, what did you say before? Medical Physical or whatever --"
Girl 2: "Metaphysical."
Girl 1: "Yeah..."
Girl 2: "Hahaha, medical physical..."
Girl 1: "Shut up!"

OVERHEARD BY LOUISE

Guy Making Me Doubt My Grandma's Wisdom

Girl: "You know how they say when your nose itches someone's coming?"
Guy: (Blank stare) "You mean sexually?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Exhausted Guy In Hospital Waiting Room

"I wonder why they have a chapel but they don't have a bar."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Who's Not A Doctor, But Plays One On The Road

"Cell phones don't cause cancer; they just create idiot drivers."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Analyzing Girl's Breasts

"Wow! One of them's the size of a watermelon, and one of them's big!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

The Fun Thing About Halloween Parties

PARTY ONE:
Guy: "Is Robert Smith British?"
Girl: "I don't know. Let's ask the spider; she'd know."

PARTY TWO:
Girl: "Aww, look at the cute little kitty picking her nose."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Hot Girl At Halloween Party Who's Going As A Lesbian Next Year

"OW!!! These fucking shoes!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Who Probably Owns The DVD Of Pretty Woman

"How do you know they're hookers? They're not wearing boas."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Drunk At Party Proposing Philosophical Paradox

"If smoking hash makes you gay, then I'm gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. But I'm not gay."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Amazed Woman At Noe Valley Street Festival

"Wow, I've been here ten minutes and I haven't been asked to sign a petition yet!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy On...Hmm, I'm Thinking Kentucky

"Every time I go there, I get laid, get beat up or go to jail."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Midwestern Preteen Noticing Group Of Camping Lesbians

"Mom, what do think they are? Some sort of ladies' softball team?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Waitress In The Mission Sums Up The San Francisco Culture War

"It's in the Marina, so cool people have never heard of it."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Exiting Grocery Store And Entering Life Crisis

"I just found out it's not a chain; it's privately owned. Now I feel bad about shoplifting. I'm not sticking it to the Man; I'm sticking it to a man."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who Never Watched Buffy

"People DON'T get buried alive, and if they do, they can't get out!"

OVERHEARD BY CHRISTINE

Fifth Graders On MUNI

Boy: "You got to be quiet cause she's tryin' to read the newspaper, and he's readin' a book, and she's tryin' to listen to her ipod."
Girl: "Well then she'd better crank that shit up."

OVERHEARD BY HEIDI

Costumed Little Girl For Whom Ethics Are More Important Than Imagination

Woman: "Oh! Are you a fairy princess?"
Girl: "No, I'm just pretending."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy On MUNI Probably Not Quoting Oscar Wilde

“Man, you’re so stupid you can’t even Google!”

OVERHEARD BY CAMERON

Nick And Nora In The Calendar Store

Guy: "I bet if you read that 'You Might Be A Redneck' calendar, you'd find out you are one."
Girl: "I bet if I read that '14,000 Things To Be Happy About' calendar, you wouldn't be on it."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman's Over-Simplistic Analysis Of Amazing Blue Angel Aerial Stunt

"They planned that."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy I'm Glad Isn't My Dad

Girl: "What ever happened to Snuffleupagus?"
Guy: "I think they turned him into potted meat."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Writing Teacher On The Value Of An Education

"Yeah, you guys have been great. But my last class was like, 'My dog ate my homework,' and I was like, 'Yeah, well, your dog ate your $500.'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Who Knows Where To Get All The Best Homeless Services

"I'm homeless, bitches! Wanna get laid? That's okay, my dick's out of commission anyway. I hooked up with a dominatrix last night."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guys Demonstrating The Difference Between The Cultures

Brit: "We wanted to tour New Orleans, but now -- well, it's just so sad."
American: "You could still go. Just get a room on the top floor."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Braver Man Than Me

"To tour the prison, you have to sign a waiver saying you won't sue the state if you're taken hostage. And if the guy that grabs you has a gun, you agree they can shoot through you to kill him."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who Never Says Anything Stupid Except When He's Saying Stupid Things

"I don't know the words to any song except the songs I know."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Stoner To Stoner Friend On Haight Street (On Sep 24th)

"Hey wait, its okay, the concert's on the 24th -- that's in a few days."

OVERHEARD BY JANIS

Dinner Talk For Nurses On Break

"How can I trust someone with a dirty catheter? I can't!"

OVERHEARD BY CHRISTINE

Screaming Guy On MUNI Taking Cue From Tom Cruise

"I like pretty woman! I like pretty girls and I don't care who knows it!"

OVERHEARD BY JANIS

Woman Unaware Of The Law Of Supply And Demand

"I have the first season of America's Next Top Model on DVD. It was surprisingly inexpensive."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Recovering Catholic Passing Group Of Lesbians

"See, now I know better. But when I was a kid I would've said, 'Hey look, a bunch of nuns!'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Experiencing What Must Be A Very Common Experience

"So I told her I went to a tapas bar with my brother and she said, 'You went to a topless bar with your brother?' and I'm like, 'What? No!'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl Having Coffee With Guy Who Just May Be Her Methadone Clinic Counselor

"I mean, it's not like those home invasions my boyfriend pulled involved any violence. I don't know why the cops made such a big deal out of it."

OVERHEARD BY IRINA

Joan Rivers Wanna-Be

"Look at her outfit. She looks like she's going wassailing."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

So-Close-To-Being-Enlightened Cook On MUNI

"I always tell men you gotta learn how to cook. Cuz one night, you gonna make your girl mad, and she ain't gonna cook for you, and you and Mister Microwave gonna become fast friends."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

White Teen Describes Car Only Driven By Ali G On Sundays

"Yeah, 2002. It's bangin'. Bangin'! Got the woodgrain on the wheel; shit is hot!"

OVERHEARD BY DN

Guy Immediately Qualifying To Be A Teamster

After All Buildings Had Been Evacuated On A Studio Lot During The Power Outage In Los Angeles: "If we were under attack, there'd be jets and shit. Let's see if the commissary is open."

OVERHEARD BY R.B. RIPLEY

Art Supply Store Clerk I Can't Help But Think Was Mistaken

"Yeah, I'm sorry, we don't have any two-sided paper."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Twenty Years Ago, Two Prescient Kids Discuss 'Intelligent Design'

Kid: "Why do we have two holes in our nose?"
Brother: "So you can breathe while you pick your nose."

OVERHEARD BY COLIN

Guy Whose Body Says 'Jackass'

"90% of your body language is how you talk."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Drunk Who Must Mean 'Down The Montgomery BART Steps'

"That's how I roll, muthafucka!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Children Left Behind

Teen Girl: "She used to be a P.E. teacher. Why she teaching physics?"
Teen Guy: "Dumbass. That's what P.E. stands for."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Fellow Overhearer On The Downside Of Eavesdropping

"I thought that guy was saying something worth overhearing, but he was just quoting The Simpsons."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Critic In SF Dive Bar 'Mr. Bing's'

"I like the painting over there of the tennis player picking her ass. That's art."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Writing Teacher On The Mammalian Quality Of Ideas

"Ideas are like cows. No, no, that's stupid.... Ideas are like rabbits."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl to Friend Before Walking Into Bedroom

Girl 1: "Let me go see if John is decent."
Girl 2: "You can tell that just by looking at him?"

OVERHEARD BY IRINA

Girl Who Obviously Doesn't Have TiVo

“Oh my God, Java Juice is like the greatest invention known to man!”

OVERHEARD BY SIOBHAN

Drunk Guy At Death Cab For Cutie Concert, To Lucky Girlfriend

"I mean, if you weren't around, you know, if you weren't in my life, you know, it's like, I got my music, you know? I'd be all right."

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

Overheard At 24th And Potrero. Unclear If Said By Man, Woman Or Hooker

"My panties are like hot pants tonight. Whoooooooo!"

OVERHEARD BY JACKSON

Creepy Mom Agressively Hugging 9-Year-Old Boy

"Your mother is allowed to violate your personal space. Nobody else is, but your mother is!"

OVERHEARD BY CHRISTINE

Guy Thinking "But These Go To Eleven"

Old Guy: "I have a Mr. Coffee, but I use it to brew tea. I put in tea bags, and I brew tea."
Young Guy: "You should call it Mr. Tea.... Right?.... Instead of Mr. Coffee?"
Old Guy: "Yeah, but.... I use mine to brew tea."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy I Can't Wait To Hire As My Lawyer

"I think I'm going to be late to the bar exam.... Oh well, if I am, I am."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl Who Must Think It's Contagious

Girl 1: "Do you want to see them while you're in town?"
Girl 2: "God no. They have a baby."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Boy With Mean Mom Who Wants The Cavity-Terrorists To Win

Boy: "I want a toothbrush."
Mom: "You don't need a toothbrush."
Boy: "But I don't haaavvve a toothbrush."
Mom: "Yes you do. I just bought you an electric Spiderman toothbrush."
Boy: "But electric is baaaaaaddddddd!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl On Castro-Bound MUNI Whose Gaydar Has Really Improved

"I used to date a guy who looks like those guys over there.... He was gay."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Cell Phone Girl Helping Her Man Relate

"Hello?... I'm at Target...Yeah, well, you know how you like football? Well, I like shopping."

OVERHEARD BY JENNIFER

Guy On Really Large Woman's Really Small Shirt

"They don't make red striped shirts in her size. It'd be too easy to find Waldo."

OVERHEARD BY JEFF

MUNI Guy Who's Flummoxed By Munchkins

"Wait. I thought her dad was the mayor of Munchkinland. God, it's so confusing."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

(Obviously) White Guy Shaking It On The Dance Floor

"Look at me, I'm crinkling! Or is it krunkling?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

D&D Guy Attempting To Flirt With Goth Girl

"If you were my accomplice, I'd share my spoils with you."

OVERHEARD BY ANDY (VIA SIMON)

Guy Exiting Lingerie Store

"Somehow I don't think I could take myself seriously in a thong."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Muscular Guy In Castro

"We're doing the same thing we do every night: working out, hitting a bar, then working out again."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Proud Mom On Daughter's Open-Mindedness

"With Traci, it doesn't matter. If it has alcohol in it, she'll drink it."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Sixth Grader Discussing History With Friend

Girl: "Is Ronald Reagan dead?"
Friend: "I'm guessing history isn't your greatest subject."
Girl: "No, but I'm good at social studies."

OVERHEARD BY ROHAN

Guy On Cell Phone Who's Irrationally Exuberant About Flooring

"You know that wood floor? We, we, we -- we finished the whole thing!!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy On Cell Phone Who's Confused? Forgetful? A Moron?

"How's your boyfriend doing? Paulo? Pablo? Fabio?....Michael, right. How's Michael?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Pre-Teen Zoo Volunteer Telling Guest About Hedgehog

Pre-teen: "His name is Snap. Can you guess his brother's name?"
Guest: "Crackle and Pop?"
Pre-teen: "That's right. Except it's just Crackle. Pop died."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl With Eye For Detail

"Do you remember Pamela? Her eye cocked off to the side a little bit?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Crazy Man Wearing One Flip-Flop And Pushing Wheelchair Full Of Personal Belongings, To Security Guard

"I'm not homeless, silly!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guys At Loud Restaurant Table

Guy 1: "Why are we applauding?"
Guy 2: "Because Doug's so good at dividing and times-ing."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Straight Dude To Another Dude

"She kisses like I think you might kiss."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Indignant Teenage Girl To Her Sister, At Urban Outfitters

"Mom won't let me get the 'B is for Bi-atch' t-shirt!"

OVERHEARD BY CHRISTINE

Guy Who Thinks He's Charming And Server Who Thinks He's Not

Guy: "Can I get some change?"
Server: "Sure. Give me a second."
Guy: "All right. But you only get one, so choose wisely."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy At Doughnut Shop Who Wouldn't Dare Return Emptyhanded

Cashier: "There's no bacon made up right now. Do you mind waiting a couple minutes?"
Guy: "My wife just found out she's pregnant with our second child and she has a craving for a BLT. I'll wait."

OVERHEARD BY SIMON

Guy To Friend On Boston Subway

"If you keep analyzing your failures, you won't have time to do anything else."

OVERHEARD BY NOAH

Woman On Cell, To Understandably Skittish Friend

"Listen, if you're uncomfortable having a gun in the house, you need to say something to him!"

OVERHEARD BY SUE

Caseworker At Group Home To Autistic Boy

"I can't understand you! Speak American!"

OVERHEARD BY CHRISTINE

Girl In Bar, On Woman They Probably Didn't Quote

"Oh, she's a total bitch. They called her a couple hours after 9/11 for a comment and she said, 'What a pain in the ass. Now they're gonna be going on about this for years.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl In Hella Need Of Thesaurus

"He's hella smart. He made his own computer. And he's so obsessive, he has a hat to match every outfit. He's got hella hats."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Young Woman In MOMA, Recoiling From Large Painting

"Oh my god! That painting totally reminds me of something I hate about myself!"

OVERHEARD BY CHRISTINE

Scientific Bartender

"I would say 95% of people who fall off their stools are sober. Because drunk people are really, really careful."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Street People In Love

Homeless Woman: "Why can't you touch my pussy the way it needs to be touched!"
Homeless Man: "Because it's dirty!"

OVERHEARD BY R.B. RIPLEY

20-Something Girl To Friend Upset Over How People Are. Or Is.

"Let's just remember how things are. He is who he is. You are who you are. I am who I am. OK?"

OVERHEARD BY KIRK

Guy Who Must Have Acted In The 1890s

"I don't miss acting, but I miss my actor compatriots. Such free spirits. Such joie de vivre."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Who Could Maybe Eat Chickens

"I'm a vegetarian. But I would maybe eat meat if it didn't have a brain."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Burly Truck Driver To Dude Who Just Backed Into BMW

"Don't worry about it, man. No matter how bad you feel, I'll find a way to make you feel worse."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Definite Guy, To Security Guard Writing On Napkin

"You gotta write it right. Put: 'This individual is my wife. I intend to take care of her indefinitely. Or until death.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Sensitive Travelers On MUNI

Girl 1: "We went to Ground Zero a couple of times."
Girl 2: "That's awesome!!!"
Girl 1: "We didn't enjoy it, though."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Geek At Giant's Game Out-Geeking Other Geek

"Can you believe that dork brought a laptop to a ball game? I definitely have to blog about that."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Twenty-Something Street Rat On Crutches, To Girlfriend

"No! I'm leaving! I'm leaving! I'm done, okay? I'm DONE! LOOK AT MY EARS!! I'M FUCKING DONE!!"

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

Guy On MUNI

"She's the kinda chick where, if I talk shit about her, it's only gonna make me like her more."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy To Woman Standing By Yappy Chihuahua

"I bet your neighbors just adore you."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy With Low Standards

"Man, I just bought me that DVD of 'Ray Charles' and, boy oh boy, that thing played right through from start to finish!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Leading Drunk Away From Friends

"We better get him out of here before he goes from 'I love you guys' to 'You know what your problem is?'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Man On Cell Phone Wearing Giant Blinged-Out Crucifix

"Yeah, so why don't you call some of your freaky girl friends and we'll come over to your house and have an orgy?... No, it has to be at your house, they're your freaky friends. I'll bring the liquor."

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

Preemptively Cheap Girl Outside Restaurant

"I want to make one thing clear: Seperate checks. We split it three ways.... And, you know, the plates are really big, and you'll probably take some home for Bill, so maybe we should split it four ways."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Irish Girl Drinking Guinness In The States

"It tastes different here. It tastes like grilled meat."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Well-Read Guy In Bookstore

"Look, the world's leaders know when the world's gonna end. They're using up all the resources, then they're outta here on rockets developed by the Nazis..... You need to read more."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Philosopher/Drunk Hanging Outside Bar

"Bush ain't no Hitler. Stalin was way worse than Hitler.... Bush is Stalin."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy To Friend Reading Want Ads

"The GAP had a sign that they're looking for 'Motivated Go-Getters.' What motivated go-getter wants to fold shirts? They should be looking for 'Friendly Idiots.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Elderly Gents With Specific Taste In Movies

Old Guy 1: "I watched a movie last night. It had that dwarf in it. That little lady sure was some actress."
Old Guy 2: "Who would you say was the best short actor you've ever seen?"

OVERHEARD BY DAVE

Loud Lady In Coffee Shop

"LET'S JITTERBUG! C'MON! I NEED A PARTNER! I TOOK MY WACKY PILLS THIS MORNING! LET'S DANCE! PLAY THAT SONG AGAIN! I had too much sugar in my coffee."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Fellow Overhearer Passing Excited Guy On Street

Guy: "...and the funny part is, the winery's called Plumpjack! Ha! And I'm all, 'Plumpjack. Well, what is it...is it like a...some sort of...anyway.'"
Overhearer: "Darn. That sounded like it was going somewhere."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Hipsters Hanging Outside Bar

Guy 1: "I know you're wasted. Cuz I'm wasted. I'm on meth. What are you on? X? Meth?"
Guy 2: "Pizza."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman At Work Discussing Home Furnishing

"It's a really comfortable chair, but it's. . .orange."

OVERHEARD BY JIM G

Group Of Friends Walking Down Street

Girl 1: "You guys are so cute! You're like an old married couple!"
Girl 2: "You're just saying that because we can't decide on a restaurant."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl With Not A Good Enough Clue

"I'll give you a clue. It was in my head every time you said 'chimichanga.'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman On MUNI

"So they sent me a letter saying he'd been stabbed and was dead, and I just went looney tunes. But they were graceful enough to write back and say they were mistaken."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Word To This Guy's Mother

"I think from now on I'm only going to speak in expired slang."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl And Guy

Girl: " I hope we don't get there and you go, 'Oh, now I remember her -- I hate her!'"
Guy: "No, I'm pretty good at remembering the names of people I hate."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Computer Geek Enjoying An Aranciata

"That's weird. It's like an Orangina without the particulate matter."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Man On Man's Best Friend

"I hate dogs. Well, I hate that breed of dogs.... Actually, I guess I hate that dog."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Vet On MUNI

"Our neighbor is this real happy, roly-poly kid just out of high school. And he said he wanted to join the Army! I don't want him to have to go through what I went through. So I said, 'If you join the Army, I'm going to beat the crap out of you every time I see you.'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Humorous Nonfiction In Coffee Shop

Woman 1: "My friend's written a book that's humorous nonfiction --"
Woman 2: "Like that guy on late-night TV?"
Woman 1: "Who? Conan O'Brien?"
Woman 2: "No, that other guy."
Woman 1: "The Scottish guy? Craig Ferguson?"
Woman 2: "No... Maybe he's on HBO..."
Woman 1: "Bill Maher?"
Woman 2: "Yeah, him!"
Woman 1: "What about him?"
Woman 2: "Humorous nonfiction."
Woman 1: "Oh. Well, uh.... See, this is, like, a book."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman, Speculating On What Michael Jackson Must Be Thinking

"Lube up the tweens, I'm coming home!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Watching Jackson Verdict On TV

Newscaster on TV: "Inside that black SUV, an elated Michael Jackson."
Guy Watching: "What, now they just make up news? 'Inside that SUV, Michael Jackson must be playing cards. He's going to double-down now -- it's just that lucky kind of day.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Hipster, Discussing Local Dive Bar

"That place can be kinda down and out. But you gotta pick the right night."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Hipster To Friend On Mission Street

"See that sign down there that says 'B-A-R'? That's a bar."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman With Rarely-Applicable Comeback

"This conservative guy was all up in my face and so I said to him, 'Look. One of my ancestors was in the meeting where they drafted the Declaration of Independence in 1776. So don't call me un-American."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Trying To Chill

"Any time you have a banjo, it's hard to relax."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Starbucks Manager To Trainee

"We like to think this little book will elevate the coffee knowledge of any new hire."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Elevator Conversation Between 7th And 8th Floor

"...and she's all like, 'She's just going to get uglier with age. She's all witchy looking,' and I'm all like, 'That's not very nice,' and she's all like, 'She's just witchy looking,' and he goes, 'You know she talks about you behind your back,' and she's all, 'No, I don't! You're cute! What would I say?' and I'm all like..."

OVERHEARD BY MK

PC Woman And Non-PC Man

Man: "Ha! Look at that funny little Asian baby!"
Woman: "That's actually really racist. I mean, why do you have to specify it's an 'Asian' baby?"
Man: "So you don't think I'm talking about that little Mexican baby."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy To Cop Not Dressed As Cop

Guy: "Hey, look at you! You gonna be a plainclothesman now?"
Cop: "Naw. Some guys go for that, but I don't like it."
Guy: "You don't like entrapment?"
Cop: "Ha! Naw, you get better meals in uniform."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Two Guys In Coffee Shop, Misunderstanding Each Other

Guy 1: "How 'bout that Deep Throat?"
Guy 2: "Uh...no thanks."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Teen Girl To Friend, On A Hayride

"I could never be a cabbage farmer. It smells like ass!"

OVERHEARD BY ROB

Guy, On Why People Line Up Three Days In Advance

"I don't go to see Star Wars for award-winning performances. I go because they swing light sabres and shit."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girls Passing Shoe Store

Girl 1: "I think heels are comfortable. I run in heels. I walk in heels. I sleep in heels."
Girl 2: "Yeah, that ain't all you doing in bed with them heels."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl Bussing Table, To Fellow Busser

"Did you see that? I just stuck my finger in that, then went [slurping noise] -- just out of habit."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Two-Faced Mom At San Francisco Zoo

"Dude, look, those turtles are totally fucking.... What's that, honey? Oh, that turtle is helping his friend swim."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Cute Girls In Restaurant

Cute girl #1: "Lesbians like me because they think I'm a lesbian too."
Cute girl #2: "Yeah, guys like me for the same reason."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Direction Given To Writer On How To Talk About New Fall Coats

"We want to communicate that it's sophisticated even though it's scratchy."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Foodies Over Drinks

Guy 1: "The Culinary Institute of America is $46,000 for 18 months. That's like the Stanford of food!"
Guy 2: "But when you graduate, you get a set of Ginsu knives."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman, On Male Model Packed Into A Tight G-String

"Looks like he's packing a twelve-pack in a six-pack case."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

At The Oxygen Bar In Las Vegas Airport

Tourist: "Is this a hospital?"
Worker: "Um, no....it's an airport."
Tourist: "Then why are you giving them oxygen?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Showdog Drunks And Dads

Drunk 1: "I saw in a tabloid.... This dachshund was found chewing on a dead baby."
Drunk 2: "I'd have given my dog a medal if he'd gone after one or two of mine."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Teen To Soon-To-Be-Obese Friend

"You is the most lazy-ass fuckin' -- Why you getting on that bus when school is one block away?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Bitter Guy In Coffee Shop

"The only good thing about her is there aren't two of her."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

British Girl With Sad Sense Of Humor, Strolling On River Thames

"You think you know someone after six weeks, but it turns out you know shit-all. He's a lying, cheating shit.... But he makes me laugh."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

British Man Trying To Say "That Play Was Awesome"

"Not to push the point, but I must say that was quite well done."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Mom To Young Girl Standing On The Site Of Anne Boleyn And Lady Jane Grey's Beheadings

"Will you please calm down and try to enjoy this?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Man Planning A Corporate Team-Bonding Experience

"We need to make the clues really cryptic. Because a treasure hunt without good clues is just a tour of places you wouldn't ever really go."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Backpacker On Crowded MUNI Bus

"I've never seen this many Asians in one place.... Maybe Thailand."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

British Lady Waiting To See Play At Royal National Theatre

"Not many old people here. Not many middle-aged people here. Mostly young people here. We should have just stayed at home with the kids."

OVERHEARD BY JEFF

Little British Girl, Pointing To Baboon

"Look at that one's fancy bum!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Jeff, Seeing The Bright Side Of A Monotone Rendition Of "Hotel California" In A Dublin Pub

"At least he knows all the words."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

MK Herself, Rejecting A Dublin Pub

"I don't want to listen to Ricky Martin in any country."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Pissed Off Dude To Girlfriend, Wandering Temple Bar Area Of Dublin

"They're all Irish pubs!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

MK Herself, Taking In All The Beauty Of Ireland

"This is more cuteness than I can handle. I'm just gonna puke pink."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Jeff, Summarizing What It's Like To Drive Through Ireland

"Look at that old dungeon-castle-church-thing up there."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Wife, On Husband's Idea Of How He'd Probably React To Something

"I hate you just from your description."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

British Guide Of "Jack The Ripper" London Walk

"Now on the next part of the tour, we might encounter what I like to call 'friendly drunks.' They might ask you for money, they might help us out by re-enacting one of the murders, or they might think I'm not doing a good enough job of telling it and help me out."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Old British Woman Looking At National Gallery's Painting Of Judah & Tamar

"That's the one to learn a lesson from. She knew how to handle a crooked man."

OVERHEARD BY MK

British Hooligan

"First he called me American and I'm like, yeah, okay, all right. But then he called me Canadian! And I've never even been rafting!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Chatty English Drunk At Pub

"Just a typical English evening -- we tuck in our penises and run around. It's not unlike spring break."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

British Woman At Outdoor Pub

"Hurry and drink up before your beer gets cold."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Couple Contemplating A Purchase At An Outdoor London Market

Woman: "But you can't do anything with them."
Man: "That's 'cuz they're called ornaments."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Walking Through London Park

"This umbrella is tiny. It's like a hat on a stick."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman Walking Down London Street

"It smells like beer. I like that in a country."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

English Bloke To His Dog, After It Took A Huge Poo In A Tube Station

"You are a fucking idiot!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Account Executive, "Complimenting" Art Director

"I really admire the increased font size."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Lesbian To Lesbian Friend Applying Carmex

"When did you start wearing makeup?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Drunk Girl To Drunker Girlfriend, Making Travel Plans

"If I'm gonna go to the City of Love, I want to go with a lover."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman To Her, Um, Not Very Significant Other?

"We're coming up on our one-year anniversary! And that's so weird because we have an 'undefined' relationship."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Teen, Waiting For Bus

"He looks all ghetto, but he listens to Smokey Robinson."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Two Guys Who Really Know Fun

Guy 1: "We should do something fun tonight."
Guy 2: "Yeah. What did we used to do?"
Guy 1: "I don't know. Smoke."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Misunderstanding The Perfunctory Nature Of "How's It Going?"

"It's going terribly. But I'm doing okay."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Belligerent Homeless Woman, Proposing New Tourism Slogan

"This city fuckin' fucks your ass up."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Wearing Newish-Looking Sport Coat

"I want to be known as 'That Blazer Guy,' not 'That Same Blazer Guy.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Drunk Woman, Almost Passed Out In Front Of Boarded-Up Store

"I had a lot of help getting where I'm at."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Who's Always On Some Street I've Never Been On

"I don't see what's so wrong with Chinese food. But people on the street are always saying you should get pizza."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

6-Year-Old Boy, Reacting To The Pope's Death

"I guess I should be praying for him, but I think I'll draw him a picture instead."

OVERHEARD BY SUSAN

Drunk Girl, Watching Car Thief Try To Outrun Cop

"Awesome! I've never seen a police chase! Let's go over there! Maybe there'll be gunfire!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

First Thing Said By Girl Calling Friend, About 8:00 AM

"WHY are you awake?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Starbucks Employee With Low I.Q.

Barista: "Name?"
Customer: "J.J."
Barista: "How do you spell that?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl's Parting Words, Yelled Out Car Window To Boyfriend

"Cryin' ass bitch."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Server Bonding With Customer

"Your name's Gabbie? I had a cat named Gabbie and you kind of look like her."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman To Co-Worker About God Only Knows What

"I would never have guessed that about you. I work with you all the time and you don't smell."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Supervisor Trying To Be Subtle When Discussing Co-Worker

"I kind of have to keep an eye on her.... She's just...you know. I'm always...(long pause). I just wish...you know."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Valiantly Trying To Set Up Friend

"She's extremely attractive. She just has that piggy nose."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Businessman On MUNI, Unwittingly Giving The Ultimate Meta-Overheard Line

"I probably shouldn't talk about this here, but I don't think anyone's listening."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Attempting To Make Pun About 'Gated Communities'

"How many gay Teds can there be?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Account Person In Creative Presentation

"Ferrets are much more aspirational than rats."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Waiter To Fellow Waiter

"What do you wanna bet Bush tries to nominate Wolfowitz for Pope?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Straight Friend Dressing For Gay Friend's Party

"I'll wear this shirt because it shows off my boobs. That's a nice thing to do for a lesbian."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Eight-Year-Old In Grocery Store

"Me and Sam have an acquired taste for cold corn."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy And Girl Drinking In Bar

Girl: "I totally can't eat raw broccoli."
Guy: "Yeah, I'm like the opposite, but with bananas."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Reading Sign That Says "Jesus Loves You"

"Dude, he doesn't even like me."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Lactation Activist Talking To Friend

"The LA and San Francisco breast-feeding communities are furious."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Man On Bus

"It wasn't a bad relationship, until she made me sleep outside."

OVERHEARD BY AMY

Woman Saying Goodbye To Friend On MUNI After Half-Hour Of Incessant Complaining

"We should talk more."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Loud Redneck Neighbor Leaning Out His Back Window And Talking On His Cell Phone

"Yeah, I took two Vicodin yesterday and I about fell on my face."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Man Walking By On Street, Context Unclear

"...and I said, 'Aha! I'll stick her to the ceiling with duct tape!'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman Reviewing Play While Eating Gelato

"It was like a bad episode of Three's Company. Which I guess was every episode of Three's Company."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Wife Yelling At Cop Car Weaving Down The Road

"Pick a lane, piggy!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl After Elvis Costello Concert, At The Merchandise Table

"Will you just stop and see how they have coffee mugs but no posters?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Yelling To Elvis Costello's Opening Act After First Song

"Who are you?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy In Coffee Shop In Berkeley

"I read you get 40% less cancer if you drink coffee. But this isn't free trade coffee, so I don't know...."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

All The Deli Lady Said The Whole Time I Was There

"Mustard?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Whole Other Mom Prying Her Kid Off Me In Drug Store

"Come on, honey. He doesn't want a kiss goodbye."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Mom Telling Baby I'm Not Her Daddy

"No, that's not Daddy. Yes, Daddy also has an umbrella. But that's not Daddy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Impressing Date On Bus

"I read in Time Magazine about this guy who's 8 feet, 7 inches tall. Apparently that's really rare."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Irish Guy In Bar On St. Patrick's Day (Approximate)

"'Ave 'eh 'ad any 'in 'elt or ant-eye uh smoke 'elvin?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Full Friend At Restaurant

"I'm gonna have to undo my belt buckle and scratch myself."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Homeless Guy Getting Change From My Wife After I Said No

"Ha! She really showed you up, didn't she?!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Talking Kind Of Quietly On Cell Phone

"Sunday is a rough day for me. I normally don't watch anything or talk to anyone or go anywhere or do anything on Sunday."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Rocking Out To Jukebox In Bar

"No, man, this is Oasis. They were the next U2 back before Coldplay was the next U2."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Watching Lobster Still Moving In Restaurant

"Can you make my dinner a little more dead?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Two Nicely-Dressed Ladies Getting In A BMW

"I think it's on Valencia. By that street with all the prostitutes."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Construction Guy Outside My Building

"You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine....Too much."

OVERHEARD BY TIM