23 December, 2006

Season's Greetings From Overheard Lines!

"Overheard Lines will go dark until 2007. Please make note of all the inane things your family says when you visit for the holidays and send them our way. Happy Merry!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

22 December, 2006

Guy Who May Or May Not Be Having Black-Eyed Peas

"Let's stay in and cook on New Year's. We'll try to make something traditional but not disgusting."

OVERHEARD BY MK

21 December, 2006

Dude On Bus Who Must Be Friends With Bill O'Reilly

"Jon Stewart! I'm going to find the people that know him and find him and hit him in the face."

OVERHEARD BY JESSICA

20 December, 2006

The Walt Whitman Of Bums, On The Number Six Bus

"Dogs pee free, why can't we?"

OVERHEARD BY JESSICA

18 December, 2006

SNL-Watching Woman

"It's a thin line between Justin Timberlake and Kevin Federline."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

15 December, 2006

Guy Who Can Probably Also Beat Up People After Watching Popeye Cartoons

"I was listening to Bob Marley earlier today and it totally gave me the munchies."

OVERHEARD BY MK

14 December, 2006

Crazy Guy Riding BART

"Everybody! It's my fucking birthday! ... Who wants fennel?!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

11 December, 2006

Said With Disdain Outside The Conde Nast Building

"Oh God! That is soooo Architectural Digest."

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

08 December, 2006

Disillusioned Girl On Cellphone

"The restaurant actually had Two Buck Chuck on the menu! We asked him how much it was.... Thirteen bucks."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

05 December, 2006

Identity Theft, Anyone?

Middle-Aged Cellphone Guy On BART During Crowded Afternoon Rush Hour: "Hey, yeah, I want the car. Since I'm not gonna be able to make it to the dealership before you close, I'll just give you my credit card number now...." :: proceeds to loudly speak his credit card number, expiration date and personal info into the phone -- then calls his wife and says he just bought a Mercedes ::

OVERHEARD BY KIRK

04 December, 2006

Possible Double Compliment, From Crazy Fat Guy With Cane

"Oh, my sister would love you.... She's a lesbian."

OVERHEARD BY SIOBHAN (FEMALE)

30 November, 2006

Girl With One Tiny Little Problem

"My only problem with driving is I drive in both lanes."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

28 November, 2006

27 November, 2006

Woman With Two Ex-Husbands And One Plan For The Future

Woman: "Marriage is like a whole other world where everything from the rational world goes out the door. I plan to live in sin and have bastard children."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

23 November, 2006

Thrift Store Workers Collecting Stuff On The Day Before Thanksgiving

Woman 1: "Why's it so busy today?"
Woman 2: "Everybody has family coming over and they don't want them to see how they really live."

HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM TIM

21 November, 2006

Guy Listening To The Smiths

"This is one of my favorite songs! I always think of it when I'm thinking of evil."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

16 November, 2006

Wise One Walking On Polk Street

"Sure I like sushi, but I'm not going to eat it in Colorado."

OVERHEARD BY AMY

15 November, 2006

Guy On The V.P.'s P.R.

"I wouldn't even trust Dick Cheney to wash my car. Not only would he do a bad job, he'd lie about it, too."

OVERHEARD BY MK

13 November, 2006

Guy At Airport, Miffed About Security Concerns Over Red Sauce

"Well, we wouldn't want Osama whipping up some penne pasta, now, would we?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

10 November, 2006

Clever Guy Working Out The Details Of A Devious Plan

Girl: "I don’t want to go. Maybe I’ll gnaw my arm off."
Guy: "No, first get it caught in caught in a door so there’s an understanding of WHY you gnawed your arm off."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

08 November, 2006

Girl Getting Off The Phone With Her 15-Year-Old Sister

"She's my heart, she's my soul, and I want to punch her in the face."

OVERHEARD BY MK

06 November, 2006

Dudes At Coffee Shop, Perhaps Proposing Democratic Platform

Guy 1: "It should be 'Marijuana For Everyone.'"
Guy 2: "As long as they don't take mine."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

03 November, 2006

Girl You Don't Wanna Mess With On Thursday

"Remind me I'm supposed to be nice on Wednesday."

OVERHEARD BY MK

02 November, 2006

So, Then, Isn't It Technically A Museum?

Cellphone Woman: "They have this awesome little shop. Except you can't buy anything there."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

01 November, 2006

Sensitive Passenger On Haight Street Bus

"Someone's perfume on here is strong enough to choke a French whore."

OVERHEARD BY JESSICA

31 October, 2006

Eight Year Old Soon-To-Be-Insurance-Commissioner At Brunch

“My name is Tyler Lewis, and I approved this breakfast.”

OVERHEARD BY KERRY

30 October, 2006

Unadvisedly Curious Girl On Cellphone

"So tell me why you think my husband is a douchebag."

OVERHEARD BY EMILY

27 October, 2006

New Yorker Trying To Grasp The Geography Of The Red States

"Oklahoma... Now what state is that in?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

25 October, 2006

Hillbillies Need Grooming, Too

Guy 1: "Hey, what's up?"
Guy 2: "Going to get my hair cut."
Guy 1: "Yeah, it's time for me to do that, too, but my barber done got thrown in jail."

OVERHEARD BY MK

24 October, 2006

Dad To Son Holding Balloon Sword/Penis

Dad: "Who made you this?"
Son: "A clown out on the sidewalk."
Dad: "Was he wearing pants?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

20 October, 2006

Waitress Ruining All Romantic Notions Of Life At A BBQ Restaurant

Woman: "It smells so good in here!"
Waitress: "Yeah, you should smell my car, my house, my clothes... I wash them and they still smell like meat."

OVERHEARD BY MK

19 October, 2006

Woman Watching Dad Try To Get Stroller Through Coffee Shop Door

"You can always tell the new ones."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

18 October, 2006

Matching Outfits? Or Beating Victims?

Woman: "You guys are twins!"
Other Woman: "We are! We're black and blue!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

17 October, 2006

Maybe It's A Rare Buggles B-Side

Hippie Bum In Mission: "Fags killed rock and roll."

OVERHEARD BY JESSICA

13 October, 2006

Guy Yelling Through Car Window At Slow-Driving Woman At 9:15 AM

"They don't call it rush hour for nothing, lady!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

12 October, 2006

Overheard By A Water Sign

Man on N train: "I'm getting astrological sign change surgery. I'm a Libra right now but I don't feel like a fire sign. I need to be an earth sign. I'm thinking of becoming a Taurus."
Woman on N train: "Really? I'm a Taurus."
Man on N train: "Oh? When were you born?"
Woman on N train: "April 28th. Same as Hitler."

OVERHEARD BY TANIA

09 October, 2006

And The New Yorker Would Probably Caption It: "As Well They Should Be..."

Girl At DSW Shoe Warehouse Justifying Purchases To Friend: "All my dress shoes are on their last legs!"

OVERHEARD BY ELIZABETH

05 October, 2006

Girl Inventing "LYLAC"

"Jeff I love like a brother. Jason I love like a cellmate."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

04 October, 2006

High-Minded Theory On Low-Minded Films

"Movies have gotten so predictable that they're no longer funny. There's always a big conflict and then everything gets resolved. It takes the humor right out of it. Take the recent SpongeBob SquarePants movie, for instance...."

OVERHEARD BY EVAN

29 September, 2006

3-Year-Old In High Chair At Starbucks

"I like coffee!"

OVERHEARD BY EVAN

28 September, 2006

Man Yelling From Apartment Window To Blonde-Haired Person Crossing Street At Columbus And Kearney

"Attention blonde-haired people that are walking across the street: I am bringing sexy back."

OVERHEARD BY INGRID

26 September, 2006

Les Pauvres Enfants!

Girl 1: "So Jane got a job teaching music in French."
Girl 2: "That's great."
Girl 3: "She doesn't know any music.... Or French."

OVERHEARD BY EVAN

25 September, 2006

Wisest Girl Ever, To Her Brother

"You know what makes you just like everyone else? You think you're special."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

22 September, 2006

Gen X And Gen Y Bookstore Employees Showing Their Age

Guy: "I used to love the Berenstain Bears. Then they betrayed me! My mom brought home 'The Berenstain Bears And Too Much TV' and I knew that night, no Sheriff Lobo."
Girl: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Guy: "Things from way before you were born, I guess."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

21 September, 2006

Woman At End Of Play Finally Cluing In To The Process

"Oh my God! Someone wrote that!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

20 September, 2006

Reductive Tourist Walking Towards Lincoln Memorial

"That's the thing on the back of the penny!"

OVERHEARD BY AMY

19 September, 2006

Guy To Woman Wondering If Her Rented Mansion Has All The Amenities

"If they have a MirĂ³ on the wall, they probably have purified water."

OVERHEARD BY MK

18 September, 2006

Mother Who Doesn't Like Labels, To Child At Zoo

"We came here to see animals, not ducks!"

OVERHEARD BY JIM

15 September, 2006

Guy Talking To Buddy As They Wait For Shopping Girlfriends

"Why can't they put regular rings on their toes?"

OVERHEARD BY KELLEY

14 September, 2006

Exchange In A Spanish Class (And Now Everyone Knows The Answer)

Teacher: "How was your weekend?"
Student: "Como se dice 'gastrointestinal'?"

OVERHEARD BY CLARK

12 September, 2006

11 September, 2006

Gay Guy On Girls Who Think They're Relating

Gay Guy: "You know the Horsehoe isn't a gay bar, right?"
Straight Guy: "I know. Let's just go anyway."
Gay Guy: "Okay, but if one more bitch asks me if I like her shoes...."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

08 September, 2006

Obvious Woman To Random Stranger On MUNI

"I like fall clothes because I like sweaters!"

OVERHEARD BY ANNA

07 September, 2006

Rich American Woman On Cheap Mexican Hamburgers

"I took one bite and it was so good I went back and ordered two more for my dogs."

OVERHEARD BY MK

06 September, 2006

Kid On The Wonder Of Dogs Licking Themselves

"He licks his own butt! It's like carrying candy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

05 September, 2006

Yuppie Mom Walking In Park With Fussy 5-Year-Old

"Well, you're not listening to me, so I'm not sharing any more latte."

OVERHEARD BY KELLEY

20 August, 2006

Summer Vacation

"Overheard Lines is on summer vacation. Back in a week. Meantime, send quotes! Leave comments! Or read the archives...."

SAID BY TIM

18 August, 2006

Kids Say The Darndest Fucking Things

8-Year-Old: "...then I'm gonna go to college and become a lawyer."
Mom: "Why don't you go to medical school and become a doctor?"
8-Year-Old: (whining) "Cause I don't wanna be a fucking doctor."

OVERHEARD BY CHRIS

16 August, 2006

Guy With Expansive Heart (And Waistline)

"He's a cool guy. He lifts weights, but I don't hold that against him."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

14 August, 2006

Woman Working While Listening To Showtunes

"It's hard to type when you're doing jazz hands."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

11 August, 2006

10 August, 2006

Woman Whose World I'd Like To Live In

Woman 1: "They went on a tandem parachute jump for their anniversary, which I think is cool. Not exactly romantic, but cool."
Woman 2: "Really, that's crazy! How do they stay on the bike?"

OVERHEARD BY MATTHEW

09 August, 2006

Oddest Insult Ever

"Shut the hell up you piggy-nosed titty-eyed motherfucker."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

08 August, 2006

Girl Talking To Rough Trade Queen

Girl: "I like your picture; you look all tough."
Guy: "Yeah, that's the look I reserve for walking South of Market late at night. But when I open my mouth, it's all pink and glitter."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

02 August, 2006

Curious Guy In Marina Bar

"So when you sign up to be a lesbian, there's not some box you can check that says you don't want to be a vegetarian?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

01 August, 2006

Administrative Assistant, Or Possibly Hooker

Asst. On Phone: "I don't do Larry. I don't know who does Larry. I guess Larry does Larry. I only do Richard."

OVERHEARD BY KELLEY

31 July, 2006

Friends On Passing, Um, Person

Guy: "What do you think, gay or straight?"
Girl: "That depends.... is that a man or a woman?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

28 July, 2006

Guy Who Works In...I'm Guessing Marketing

"We hate it here. All we do for five hours each day is sit in our offices, hold hands and cry."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

27 July, 2006

Guy With Finger-Bone Necklace Talking To Another

"'77 and '78, they're the best years ever. They're sweet and full and round!"

OVERHEARD BY RODNEY

25 July, 2006

Gay Man On Straight Friend Wearing Eye Makeup

"I think he's deliberately jamming up my gaydar."

OVERHEARD BY MK

24 July, 2006

Dude In Restaurant, On Creepy Older Woman Who Tried To Sleep With Him At His Bar Mitzvah

"I figured she'd tried to sleep with everyone in my family except my brother. And Dad pretty much confirmed that."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

21 July, 2006

Club Kid Not Yet Ready For Serious Clubbing

"Oh, I forgot to do my X. I need to do my X sometime soon... I wonder if I just ate some of the powder in the bottom of the bag, if it would cheer me up."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

20 July, 2006

Girl On Cell Phone

"He's the best girlfriend you could have, on a lot of levels."

OVERHEARD BY MK

19 July, 2006

Bus Driver Yelling At SUV Driver

"Give me a break! You're just going to pull right out in front of me? It's not like you can't see me... I'm a BUS!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

18 July, 2006

Girl Who Ain't Gonna Be Going Home, Then

"I don't have gold. I don't have fortunes. If I got kidnapped, my parents would say, 'Here's ten cents.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

17 July, 2006

Girl On Phone At Mission & 24th

"Well, what's worse? Hanging out with her all the damn time or seeing a kid every couple of weeks?"

OVERHEARD BY DONNY

14 July, 2006

Guy Following The Libertarian Diet

Girl: "Oh, that Snickers looks good. Tell me something to keep me from eating it."
Guy: "Hey, everyone is on their own path."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

13 July, 2006

Girl To Guy At Bean Bag Cafe (Such A San Francisco Thing To Say)

"Oh, that's right, you eat wheat."

OVERHEARD BY BRIAN

12 July, 2006

Guy Who Won't Lose This Argument With His Wife

"I never said nothin' I never said!"

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

11 July, 2006

Greedy Family Hogging Prime Real Estate

"Just because it's a public pier doesn't mean you can use it!"

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

07 July, 2006

Guy On The New Official Test

GUY 1: "My cousin's adopted, so we don't know what nationality he is. We think he's Puerto Rican, but we don't know for sure."
GUY 2: "Play him 'West Side Story' and see if he claps along."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

06 July, 2006

Guy Putting A Damper On The Celebration

Girl: "I love watching fireworks."
Guy: "You should go to Iraq."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

05 July, 2006

Screaming Noe Valley Kid Channeling Queen Elizabeth

"We're not eating at home, okay? We DO NOT LIKE eating at home!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

03 July, 2006

Gay Man In Wheelchair, Riding Through Castro

"Sometimes it's not so bad riding at crotch level."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

30 June, 2006

29 June, 2006

Grocery Store Clerk Going On Break, To Everyone Within Earshot

"Whew! I'm sweating in places you don't even want to KNOW about!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

28 June, 2006

Drunk Guy To Quiet Spectators Watching Giants Lose

"You're all a bunch of fair-feathered fans!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

27 June, 2006

Oklahoman Visiting The Castro

"I've never seen so many straight-looking gay guys. Like Butt-Crack over there."

OVERHEARD BY MK

26 June, 2006

Woman Picking Up Old Man From Nude Beach

"So, did you get some sun on your doodads?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

23 June, 2006

Guy Whose Son Wishes Darth Vader Was His Father

"Stop talking about Star Wars! We are not watching Star Wars, we are not reading Star Wars, we are not playing the Star Wars video game. We are at the beach!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

22 June, 2006

Lesbian Who's Going To Have A Rough 69th Birthday

"I was going to try to kiss 38 women for my 38th birthday, but decided it would be too exhausting.... Kissing takes time."

OVERHEARD BY DAVID

21 June, 2006

Executive Assistant Busted By Logic, To Daughters She Brought To Work And Stashed On Patio Outside 2nd Floor

Execu-Mom: "You two are being too loud. Use your indoor voices."
7-Year-Old: "But we're OUTSIDE!!!"

OVERHEARD BY KELLEY

20 June, 2006

Woman To Mumbling, Grumbling, Grumpy Old Man

"Is bitching just part of your process?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

19 June, 2006

Brilliant Repartee From Two Dominos Workers On The Street

Dominos 1: "THAT'S NOT NICE!"
Dominos 2: "Yes it is!"
Dominos 1: "THAT'S NOT NICE!!"
Dominos 2: "Yes it is!!"
Dominos 1: "NO IT ISN'T! THAT'S NOT NICE! THAT'S NOT DISCIPLINED!"
Dominos 2: "YES IT IS!"

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

16 June, 2006

Straight Girl At Grand Opening Of Lesbian Bar

"They just played 'I Know What Boys Like.' None of the other girls sang along."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

15 June, 2006

Travel Expert, On Why His Parents Should Take A Coat

“A lot of San Antonio is outside.”

OVERHEARD BY TIM

13 June, 2006

Guy Who's Seen Too Many Capital One Commercials

Girl: "I think a raccoon tried to break into my car last night."
Guy: "Oh, no! Was your wallet in there?"

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

12 June, 2006

Woman At Giants Game, With Most Obscure Baseball Insult Ever

"C'mon, ump! The Superbowl's over, ya dummy!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

08 June, 2006

Now He Just Needs To Learn How To Influence People

“Any friend of Kim’s friend’s boss is a friend of mine.”

OVERHEARD BY TIM

06 June, 2006

Married Woman At Wedding Talking To Her Husband's Friend

"With the kids, it's crazy. I'm tired all the time. But it's okay that we don't have sex because I'm a really good 'jerker off-er'."

OVERHEARD BY ERIN

05 June, 2006

02 June, 2006

Guy On Cell Phone Crossing USC Campus

"Yeah, he nice to a certain extent, nigga. But that's what fucks me up. Why you gotta be nice to a certain extent?"

OVERHEARD BY JENNIFER

01 June, 2006

Nebraskan Realizing He's Talking To A San Franciscan

"Welcome to Omaha. Let me know if you need to know where to eat, where to get drunk, where to see naked women.... Or...uh...you know...naked men."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

31 May, 2006

Out-Of-Towner Visiting The Tenderloin For The First Time

"Yeah, it's an interesting neighborhood. Kinda like Juarez. I have a one-legged wino watching my car."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

30 May, 2006

Snarky Chick At Chapeau, On The Fugly Group At The Table Next To Her

"It's a party celebrating the victory of their class-action lawsuit against their plastic surgeon."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

26 May, 2006

Guy In Front Of Inexplicable 'Art' At DeYoung Museum

"I can see why that one's 'Untitled.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

24 May, 2006

Enlightened Woman In Macy's Shoe Department

"I think they're cute...but I don't think it's cute how they make my feet red and puffy."

OVERHEARD BY MK

23 May, 2006

Older Patron At Threepenny Opera, To Usher Using Flashlight To Show Latecomer To Her Seat (Ten Minutes Into Act II)

"What are you doing?! It's bad enough that the show is bad! You're just making it worse!!"

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

22 May, 2006

Woman With 5-Year-Old At Park Without Bathroom

"Well, I guess let's go in the bushes and I'll use a plastic bag like I do with the dog."

OVERHEARD BY MK

19 May, 2006

Mother And High-School-Aged Daughter To Salesperson In Borders

“My daughter needs to read Moby Dick for school. But you know, the old one, from way, way back.”

OVERHEARD BY VICTORIA

18 May, 2006

Guy Talking About His Mailman And Accidentally Entering A Vaudeville Routine

Guy: "Every day I get mail from the same guy. He's middle-aged, got long hair and he's Asian."
Girl: "Why does a long-haired middle-aged Asian man keep sending you mail?"

OVERHEARD BY IRINA

17 May, 2006

16 May, 2006

Two Homeless Guys On Haight Street (Post-Dot-Com-Boom, Obviously)

"My accountant said that after taxes, I'd only get seventy five thou."

OVERHEARD BY MARCUS

15 May, 2006

Dude Also Selling Tickets To Clinton's Inaugural Ball

Scalper: "You need tickets for the game?"
Passerby: "For today's game? Goddamn, it's the fifth inning...."
Scalper: "That ain't my fault."

OVERHEARD BY DARREN

12 May, 2006

Tully's Coffee Chick, To Over-Attentive Customer

"Please don't stare at the barista, sir. This is not a zoo."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

11 May, 2006

Old Guy In Cafe Who's Into Classic Films

"I'm trying to remember the name of a movie. It was by a very famous group from the East, and they all acted like pigs."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

10 May, 2006

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Teen Girl Not Getting An Autograph

"I hate that frickin' Sutton Foster."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

09 May, 2006

Confused Guy Really Into His Walkie-Talkie

"Are you there?....Don't say 'Yes,' say '10-4 Negatory.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

08 May, 2006

Woman On The Horrors Of The Soviet Empire

"You don't know who Curious George is?! That's why growing up in Russia is bad. You've had a deprived childhood."

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

05 May, 2006

Homeless Guy Who Needs To Update His Material

Beggar: "C'mon, help me out. Be my brother with another mother."
Woman: "Do I really look like a 'brother' to you?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

04 May, 2006

Guy At Wedding Dissing Ex-Coworker

"He didn't really fit in. He was like a black jelly bean. Technically it's still candy, but it's not sweet, and you don't really want it."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

03 May, 2006

Guy Who's Pretty Sure He Likes His Friend

"I have a terrible memory. I remember how I feel about people, but I don't remember why."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

02 May, 2006

Loud Guy Revealing Dubious State Secrets In Thai Restaurant

"No one knows this; it's a military secret. But in New Orleans, they found a dead guy who crashed his car into the levee. That's why they broke. Not Katrina, but some drunk guy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

01 May, 2006

Titian-Haired Girl Sleuth, On Her Next Assignment

"I'm bummed Emily didn't come to lunch with us. I wanted another chance to check for an Adam's apple."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

28 April, 2006

Guy Who's A Perpetrator Himself

"I won't sit next to people on the train talking on their cellphone. I'm like, 'I refuse to be victimized by your small talk.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

27 April, 2006

Woman On Pros And Cons Of Starting Dog-Walking Business

"Walking the dog is okay... it's the pooping I'm concerned about."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

26 April, 2006

Guys On Sidewalk, 2 A.M. (Shouldn't They Be Buried In An Underground Box Somewhere?)

Guy 1 (pointing): "This dude is a badass!"
Guy 2 (waving): "Hi! I'm David Blaine!"
Guy 1: "He can levitate!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

25 April, 2006

Drunk Girl In Parking Lot Who Loves Her Friend

"Hey, this is Anna; she rocks! She rocks at sex! We have butt sex!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

20 April, 2006

Guy For Whom It's Not A Choice

"When I was in the fourth grade my girlfriend caught me looking up the word 'penis' in the dictionary. That was probably a good indicator that she'd be the only girlfriend I ever had."

OVERHEARD BY MK

19 April, 2006

British Kid (Imagine The Accent) Belittling Mummy On Vail's Free Shuttle

"I asked you FIFTY times to help me with my mittens and all you said was SHUT UP and GO AWAY!"

OVERHEARD BY JORDAN

18 April, 2006

Woman At 1906 Earthquake Centennial, On Gaps In The Scheduled Program

"Is this the moment of silence, or did they just run out of people to speak?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

17 April, 2006

Girl Who's Confused In More Ways Than One

"I met the cutest lesbian couple. They were like two really hot guys with boobs."

OVERHEARD BY MK

14 April, 2006

Starving Ballet Student (Are There Any Other Kind?) On MUNI

"God, I'm totally hungry. I'm hungrier than a homeless man."

OVERHEARD BY DESDEMONA

13 April, 2006

Noe Valley Women With Baby, Or, When Theatre People Procreate

Girl 1: "Look, Trevor's getting sleepy. He's rubbing his eyes so hard he looks like he's going to poke them out."
Girl 2: "Okay, come on, Oedipus, let's get you home!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

12 April, 2006

Stingy LA Guy In SF Bar

Guy 1: "I'll buy, since you're in town visiting. And then next time I'm down in L.A. --"
Guy 2: "I won't answer the phone."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

11 April, 2006

Captain Literal, Disguised As A Mild-Mannered Server In Florida

Cook: "When a customer orders red meat, you must ask how they would like it cooked!!"
Server: "But once it's past medium well, it's not red anymore."

OVERHEARD BY MICHAEL

10 April, 2006

Perfectly Normal-Looking Girl, In Broad Daylight, In The Middle Of Campus

"You know, it just occurred to me that I could be arrested for murder!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

07 April, 2006

Woman Sampling Too Many Smelly Bath Products

"I smell like a hippie!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

06 April, 2006

Guy Who Could Probably Get A Grant For That

"I'm a gay black man trapped in a heterosexual white man's body. Mmm-hmm."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

05 April, 2006

Girl Walking Lands End Trail

"There's this guy at work named Dennis. They call him Uncle Dennis 'cause he's really pervy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

03 April, 2006

Guys In SF Restaurant, And The Problem With Hippies

Guy 1: "There's this girl at work named 'Yes'...."
Guy 2: "Is her nickname 'Yeah'?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

31 March, 2006

That's Like Forty-Nine For A Human

Girl 1: "I really hate him. He's such a bastard. But I still give him an 11 in bed."
Girl 2: "Hell, you haven't had good sex in so long, if a dog came up and humped your leg, you would give it a 7!"

OVERHEARD BY CHERYLANN

30 March, 2006

Wisdom Imparted From One Young Man To Another

"That's when I learned, son... never lie to niggahs, son, lie to bitches."

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

29 March, 2006

Starbucks New-Hire Missing The Point And Making A Funny, All At The Same Time

Manager: "The customer always comes first. Always."
Employee: "Oh, the customer came three times."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

27 March, 2006

Obviously Drunk Girl To Obviously Whipped Boyfriend

"Fuck you and everything you stand for! .... No, I am not drunk."

OVERHEARD BY BLUE CANARY

24 March, 2006

Man Talking To Super-Talented Woman

"How can someone lose a CRACK PIPE AND A TYPEWRITER AT THE SAME TIME!!!"

OVERHEARD BY EMY

23 March, 2006

So-Not-Alternative Guys In Barnes & Noble

Guy 1: "I'm gonna get a Prince Albert."
Guy 2: "Is that where you pierce your penis?"
Guy 1: "Or maybe a tattoo."
Guy 2: "You should get a tattoo of Prince Albert."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

22 March, 2006

Guy On MUNI Who Has Too Much Time On His...Um, Yeah

"Pepto Bismol makes my poo turn black."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

21 March, 2006

Woman Who Doesn't Know Tea Tree Oil Contains Crack

"My massage therapist? I think she uses like Reiki or something that makes people become addicted to her."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

20 March, 2006

Father Yelling At Child

“To be any stupider, you’d have to be bigger!”

OVERHEARD BY PETER

17 March, 2006

Happy St. Pat's Day From Guy In Old Navy

Guy: (Reading a T-shirt) "'Kiss me, I'm Irish'. I don't get it."

OVERHEARD BY AMERICAN GEISHA

16 March, 2006

Not Very Good Waiter

Chef: "Eighty-six the quiche."
Waiter: "We have quiche?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

15 March, 2006

Must've Been A Marketing Meeting

Girl: "Who all's going to be in the presentation on Monday?"
Guy: "Pretty much everyone, from the single-cell organisms to the carnivores."

OVERHEARD BY MK

14 March, 2006

Soon To Be Ex-Computer Programmers

Girl: “Yeah, I’m just at an age where I’m totally reassessing if this is what I really want to do.”
Guy: “Don’t worry. I know lots of people who are totally doing a ‘Control-Alt-Delete’ with their life.”

OVERHEARD BY CAMERON

13 March, 2006

Overheard At An AA Meeting In San Diego

"That's not my motis apparatus."

OVERHEARD BY THOM

10 March, 2006

Kid In Mission Insulting...Someone

"My dad's cousin's mom's boyfriend sucks."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

09 March, 2006

Easy-To-Comply-With Woman At Eureka Valley Library

"You're going to have to move. Your sleeve is affecting my heart rate."

OVERHEARD BY MK

08 March, 2006

Guy Holding Business Meeting Over Bus Stop Pay Phone

"Well, you've been seen in eight countries and you're really big in Miami, so I think we can definitely market that."

OVERHEARD BY MK

07 March, 2006

Cab Driver's Advice

"Older women? They know what to do with the sex."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

06 March, 2006

Guy At Noe Valley Party, On Dude We've All Met Before

“I liked almost everyone, except Carl. He’s like a black hole in the shape of a human being.”

OVERHEARD BY MK

03 March, 2006

Guy To Cat-Allergic House Guest

Guy 1: “You doing okay?”
Guy 2: “Yeah. Except for the breathing.”

OVERHEARD BY MK

02 March, 2006

Girl Who's Not Into That Whole 'Pop Culture' Thing

Girl 1: "What's that big yellow square thing?"
Girl 2: "That's SpongeBob SquarePants."
Girl 1: "Sponge? I thought he was cheese."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

01 March, 2006

Guy On Computer That Isn't Working

"It's got cool functionality. I just can't get it to function."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

28 February, 2006

Two Friends Discussing Horniness For Women

Girl: "I wish random sluts would just fall out of the sky."
Guy: "I'm trying to pick some up online, but it's not working out too well. Most sluts hang out at bars, not on their computers."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

27 February, 2006

Why, Yes, There Was Drinking Involved

Girl 1: "Take me to my car!"
Girl 2: "You are in your car."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

24 February, 2006

Guy Proving Zero Minus Zero Equals Zero

"It's worse than nothing. It's nothing at all!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

23 February, 2006

Guy From Last Post Explaining Himself

"I'm sorry. I've been at Hooters too long."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

22 February, 2006

Guy On MUNI Empathizing With Friend

"Take a damn laxative and blow yourself loose!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

21 February, 2006

Guy Who Should Get A New Roommate If He Makes It Past Tuesday

"My roommate's really bad about giving me messages. He's like, 'Oh, your doctor called three days ago. He said you only have four days to live.'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

20 February, 2006

Guy Discovering Quirk In Physics Among LA Restaurants

"Toast is the new Griddle, but the Griddle is still the Griddle."

OVERHEARD BY MK

15 February, 2006

Man Who Disagrees With Just About Everyone

"That 'Two and a Half Men' show is hilarious! Charlie Sheen is a great sitcom actor. He's got perfect comic timing."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

14 February, 2006

Special Valentine's Edition: Overheard On Christmas

Drunk Woman In Norfolk VA: "I hate Christmas! I'm ugly! Somebody buy me a drink!"

OVERHEARD BY MIKE THE KNIFE

13 February, 2006

10 February, 2006

Cell Phone-Talking Company Owner Who Just Doesn't Get It

"I'll start being nice when morale improves around there. Until then, the beatings will continue."

OVERHEARD BY SCOTT

09 February, 2006

Americans And Brits Coming Together

Girl: "People with accents are more interesting."
Guy: "Yeah, Amercians think that. But people in England are..."
Girl" "Mean?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

08 February, 2006

Same Guy, Half An Hour Later, Still Impressed By Swiss Food Products

"Who knew there were so many different ways to eat cheese?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

07 February, 2006

Guy Who Just Got Back From Switzerland

"It was nothing but cheese and chocolates."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

06 February, 2006

Old Lady Obviously Glad To Be Dropping Her Friend Off

Old Lady 1: "Got everything?"
Old Lady 2: "Yep. Got all my hopes and all my fears."
Old Lady 1: "Well, that's everything."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

03 February, 2006

Curses, This Dude's Plans Are Foiled Again

Dude: "Lemme ask you: what's your actual instinct on this? You see someone walking down the street, minding his own business, just happens to be burning a stick of incense. Do you think he's trying to cover something up?"
Man: "Yeah."
Dude: "Damn."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

01 February, 2006

Guy In Cala, On The Already Ridiculous

Guy: "Did you know Mariah Carey has more #1 songs than Elvis and the Beatles?"
Girl: "Combined?"
Guy: "...That'd be ridiculous."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

30 January, 2006

Must've Been A Philosophy Class

Professor: "So just don't ask stupid questions.... But there are no stupid questions in this class."

OVERHEARD BY LISA

27 January, 2006

Guy At Farmer's Market Still Waiting For The Punchline

Guy: "If it gets any colder out here, I could qualify for the Olympic Ski Team. Or the Polar Bear Club."
Girl: "I'm a member of the Polar Bear Club."
Guy: "Heh heh."
Girl: "I really am."
Guy: "Heh heh."
Girl: "Really. I am."
Guy: "Heh heh."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

26 January, 2006

Man In Restaurant Eating (I Hope It Was) Tuna

"If I had to become a cannibal, I'd start with the cheek."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

25 January, 2006

Post-Dot-Com-Bubble College Kids On MUNI

Girl: "If you work at Genentech, they're so hooked up: they have a bus that picks you up at BART."
Guy: "Do they have stock options?"
Girl: "...They have parties every Friday."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

24 January, 2006

Guy Eating French Fries Cooked In Peanut Oil

"I feel sorry for people with peanut allergies, because a life without peanut products is a life I wouldn't care to live."

OVERHEARD BY JEFF

23 January, 2006

Guy Watching Six High School Girls Dancing In Unison

Guy: "What are you guys?"
Girl: "We're just friends who dance really well."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

20 January, 2006

Refreshingly Honest Girl

Girl 1: "Those are really cute pants."
Girl 2: "Yeah, the problem is that when I bend over, my stomach pops over the waistline."
Girl 1: "Is it because they're low-rise?"
Girl 2: "No, it's because I'm fat."

OVERHEARD BY MK

19 January, 2006

Girl With Eye Patch, Doing A Little Reassessing

"I need a hook hand or something piratey so I don't just look like a girl in a weird outfit who poked her eye out last week."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

18 January, 2006

Guy Waiting For Bus In Castro, Watching Jogger Jiggling By

"God, I love Spandex. So vulgar yet so necessary."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

17 January, 2006

Friendly Guy In North Beach To Foreign Tourist

"Don't trust us Westerners. We'll cavort with your women."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

16 January, 2006

Guy In Bar Channeling L. Ron Hubbard

"The first seven years of life are a reaction. Everything else is a reaction to a reaction to a reaction."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

14 January, 2006

Self-Aware Blonde In Univ. Of Chicago Library At 1 AM

"Usually, the best estimate for me is when I can't feel my teeth anymore."

OVERHEARD BY ASHLEY

13 January, 2006

Girl Having Difficulty With Car Door, To Guy Also In Car

Girl: "I have a college degree, I swear."
Guy: "You obviously didn't major in Door."

OVERHEARD BY AMY

12 January, 2006

Gangsta English Lit Majors

Guy 1: "I hate short chapters. It's a fucking cop out."
Guy 2: "Anna Karenina is written in short chapters."
Guy 1: "Fuck Tolstoy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

11 January, 2006

Guy In Bar Who's Never Watched CSI

"That guy's got no style. That's the worst crime I can think of."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

10 January, 2006

Smooth-Talking Rich Guy To Berkeley Woman Holding Fistful Of Cash

"Bitch, I ain't broke, I got property!"

OVERHEARD BY CAROLINE

09 January, 2006

Couple Demonstrating Why Generation X Hasn't Taken Over The World

Guy: "You know what would be a bad job?"
Girl: "Mmm, most of them?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

06 January, 2006

Customer In LA Restaurant (Insert Your Own Joke About The Population Of China)

"I don't want any white rice. It makes me horny."

OVERHEARD BY POLLY

05 January, 2006

Dumb Guy Impressed By Anyone Smarter Than Him

Guy: "Man, I'm gonna take that dude to Vegas and we're gonna work out a system and we're gonna make a million bucks!"
Girl" "He's only ten!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

04 January, 2006

Pretty Funny Considering It Was An 87-Year-Old Grandmother

"I want to know who took a bite out of that Apple. Was it Bill Gates?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

03 January, 2006

Woman Convincing Friend To Go To China

"We can eat rice and whatever doesn't look like a monkey head."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

02 January, 2006

Women Petting Dog, Commenting On Its Fur

Aunt: "It almost feels like human hair!"
Cousin: "I know! How did they get it on the dog?"

OVERHEARD BY CHERYL

01 January, 2006