Guy To Friend Reading Want Ads

"The GAP had a sign that they're looking for 'Motivated Go-Getters.' What motivated go-getter wants to fold shirts? They should be looking for 'Friendly Idiots.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Elderly Gents With Specific Taste In Movies

Old Guy 1: "I watched a movie last night. It had that dwarf in it. That little lady sure was some actress."
Old Guy 2: "Who would you say was the best short actor you've ever seen?"

OVERHEARD BY DAVE

Loud Lady In Coffee Shop

"LET'S JITTERBUG! C'MON! I NEED A PARTNER! I TOOK MY WACKY PILLS THIS MORNING! LET'S DANCE! PLAY THAT SONG AGAIN! I had too much sugar in my coffee."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Fellow Overhearer Passing Excited Guy On Street

Guy: "...and the funny part is, the winery's called Plumpjack! Ha! And I'm all, 'Plumpjack. Well, what is it...is it like a...some sort of...anyway.'"
Overhearer: "Darn. That sounded like it was going somewhere."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Hipsters Hanging Outside Bar

Guy 1: "I know you're wasted. Cuz I'm wasted. I'm on meth. What are you on? X? Meth?"
Guy 2: "Pizza."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman At Work Discussing Home Furnishing

"It's a really comfortable chair, but it's. . .orange."

OVERHEARD BY JIM G

Group Of Friends Walking Down Street

Girl 1: "You guys are so cute! You're like an old married couple!"
Girl 2: "You're just saying that because we can't decide on a restaurant."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl With Not A Good Enough Clue

"I'll give you a clue. It was in my head every time you said 'chimichanga.'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman On MUNI

"So they sent me a letter saying he'd been stabbed and was dead, and I just went looney tunes. But they were graceful enough to write back and say they were mistaken."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Word To This Guy's Mother

"I think from now on I'm only going to speak in expired slang."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl And Guy

Girl: " I hope we don't get there and you go, 'Oh, now I remember her -- I hate her!'"
Guy: "No, I'm pretty good at remembering the names of people I hate."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Computer Geek Enjoying An Aranciata

"That's weird. It's like an Orangina without the particulate matter."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Man On Man's Best Friend

"I hate dogs. Well, I hate that breed of dogs.... Actually, I guess I hate that dog."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Vet On MUNI

"Our neighbor is this real happy, roly-poly kid just out of high school. And he said he wanted to join the Army! I don't want him to have to go through what I went through. So I said, 'If you join the Army, I'm going to beat the crap out of you every time I see you.'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Humorous Nonfiction In Coffee Shop

Woman 1: "My friend's written a book that's humorous nonfiction --"
Woman 2: "Like that guy on late-night TV?"
Woman 1: "Who? Conan O'Brien?"
Woman 2: "No, that other guy."
Woman 1: "The Scottish guy? Craig Ferguson?"
Woman 2: "No... Maybe he's on HBO..."
Woman 1: "Bill Maher?"
Woman 2: "Yeah, him!"
Woman 1: "What about him?"
Woman 2: "Humorous nonfiction."
Woman 1: "Oh. Well, uh.... See, this is, like, a book."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman, Speculating On What Michael Jackson Must Be Thinking

"Lube up the tweens, I'm coming home!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Watching Jackson Verdict On TV

Newscaster on TV: "Inside that black SUV, an elated Michael Jackson."
Guy Watching: "What, now they just make up news? 'Inside that SUV, Michael Jackson must be playing cards. He's going to double-down now -- it's just that lucky kind of day.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Hipster, Discussing Local Dive Bar

"That place can be kinda down and out. But you gotta pick the right night."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Hipster To Friend On Mission Street

"See that sign down there that says 'B-A-R'? That's a bar."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman With Rarely-Applicable Comeback

"This conservative guy was all up in my face and so I said to him, 'Look. One of my ancestors was in the meeting where they drafted the Declaration of Independence in 1776. So don't call me un-American."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Trying To Chill

"Any time you have a banjo, it's hard to relax."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Starbucks Manager To Trainee

"We like to think this little book will elevate the coffee knowledge of any new hire."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Elevator Conversation Between 7th And 8th Floor

"...and she's all like, 'She's just going to get uglier with age. She's all witchy looking,' and I'm all like, 'That's not very nice,' and she's all like, 'She's just witchy looking,' and he goes, 'You know she talks about you behind your back,' and she's all, 'No, I don't! You're cute! What would I say?' and I'm all like..."

OVERHEARD BY MK

PC Woman And Non-PC Man

Man: "Ha! Look at that funny little Asian baby!"
Woman: "That's actually really racist. I mean, why do you have to specify it's an 'Asian' baby?"
Man: "So you don't think I'm talking about that little Mexican baby."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy To Cop Not Dressed As Cop

Guy: "Hey, look at you! You gonna be a plainclothesman now?"
Cop: "Naw. Some guys go for that, but I don't like it."
Guy: "You don't like entrapment?"
Cop: "Ha! Naw, you get better meals in uniform."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Two Guys In Coffee Shop, Misunderstanding Each Other

Guy 1: "How 'bout that Deep Throat?"
Guy 2: "Uh...no thanks."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Teen Girl To Friend, On A Hayride

"I could never be a cabbage farmer. It smells like ass!"

OVERHEARD BY ROB