Guy Making Me Doubt My Grandma's Wisdom

Girl: "You know how they say when your nose itches someone's coming?"
Guy: (Blank stare) "You mean sexually?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Exhausted Guy In Hospital Waiting Room

"I wonder why they have a chapel but they don't have a bar."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Who's Not A Doctor, But Plays One On The Road

"Cell phones don't cause cancer; they just create idiot drivers."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Analyzing Girl's Breasts

"Wow! One of them's the size of a watermelon, and one of them's big!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

The Fun Thing About Halloween Parties

PARTY ONE:
Guy: "Is Robert Smith British?"
Girl: "I don't know. Let's ask the spider; she'd know."

PARTY TWO:
Girl: "Aww, look at the cute little kitty picking her nose."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Hot Girl At Halloween Party Who's Going As A Lesbian Next Year

"OW!!! These fucking shoes!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Who Probably Owns The DVD Of Pretty Woman

"How do you know they're hookers? They're not wearing boas."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Drunk At Party Proposing Philosophical Paradox

"If smoking hash makes you gay, then I'm gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. But I'm not gay."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Amazed Woman At Noe Valley Street Festival

"Wow, I've been here ten minutes and I haven't been asked to sign a petition yet!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy On...Hmm, I'm Thinking Kentucky

"Every time I go there, I get laid, get beat up or go to jail."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Midwestern Preteen Noticing Group Of Camping Lesbians

"Mom, what do think they are? Some sort of ladies' softball team?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Waitress In The Mission Sums Up The San Francisco Culture War

"It's in the Marina, so cool people have never heard of it."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Exiting Grocery Store And Entering Life Crisis

"I just found out it's not a chain; it's privately owned. Now I feel bad about shoplifting. I'm not sticking it to the Man; I'm sticking it to a man."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who Never Watched Buffy

"People DON'T get buried alive, and if they do, they can't get out!"

OVERHEARD BY CHRISTINE

Fifth Graders On MUNI

Boy: "You got to be quiet cause she's tryin' to read the newspaper, and he's readin' a book, and she's tryin' to listen to her ipod."
Girl: "Well then she'd better crank that shit up."

OVERHEARD BY HEIDI

Costumed Little Girl For Whom Ethics Are More Important Than Imagination

Woman: "Oh! Are you a fairy princess?"
Girl: "No, I'm just pretending."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy On MUNI Probably Not Quoting Oscar Wilde

“Man, you’re so stupid you can’t even Google!”

OVERHEARD BY CAMERON

Nick And Nora In The Calendar Store

Guy: "I bet if you read that 'You Might Be A Redneck' calendar, you'd find out you are one."
Girl: "I bet if I read that '14,000 Things To Be Happy About' calendar, you wouldn't be on it."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman's Over-Simplistic Analysis Of Amazing Blue Angel Aerial Stunt

"They planned that."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy I'm Glad Isn't My Dad

Girl: "What ever happened to Snuffleupagus?"
Guy: "I think they turned him into potted meat."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Writing Teacher On The Value Of An Education

"Yeah, you guys have been great. But my last class was like, 'My dog ate my homework,' and I was like, 'Yeah, well, your dog ate your $500.'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Who Knows Where To Get All The Best Homeless Services

"I'm homeless, bitches! Wanna get laid? That's okay, my dick's out of commission anyway. I hooked up with a dominatrix last night."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guys Demonstrating The Difference Between The Cultures

Brit: "We wanted to tour New Orleans, but now -- well, it's just so sad."
American: "You could still go. Just get a room on the top floor."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Braver Man Than Me

"To tour the prison, you have to sign a waiver saying you won't sue the state if you're taken hostage. And if the guy that grabs you has a gun, you agree they can shoot through you to kill him."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who Never Says Anything Stupid Except When He's Saying Stupid Things

"I don't know the words to any song except the songs I know."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Stoner To Stoner Friend On Haight Street (On Sep 24th)

"Hey wait, its okay, the concert's on the 24th -- that's in a few days."

OVERHEARD BY JANIS

Dinner Talk For Nurses On Break

"How can I trust someone with a dirty catheter? I can't!"

OVERHEARD BY CHRISTINE

Screaming Guy On MUNI Taking Cue From Tom Cruise

"I like pretty woman! I like pretty girls and I don't care who knows it!"

OVERHEARD BY JANIS

Woman Unaware Of The Law Of Supply And Demand

"I have the first season of America's Next Top Model on DVD. It was surprisingly inexpensive."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Recovering Catholic Passing Group Of Lesbians

"See, now I know better. But when I was a kid I would've said, 'Hey look, a bunch of nuns!'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Experiencing What Must Be A Very Common Experience

"So I told her I went to a tapas bar with my brother and she said, 'You went to a topless bar with your brother?' and I'm like, 'What? No!'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl Having Coffee With Guy Who Just May Be Her Methadone Clinic Counselor

"I mean, it's not like those home invasions my boyfriend pulled involved any violence. I don't know why the cops made such a big deal out of it."

OVERHEARD BY IRINA

Joan Rivers Wanna-Be

"Look at her outfit. She looks like she's going wassailing."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

So-Close-To-Being-Enlightened Cook On MUNI

"I always tell men you gotta learn how to cook. Cuz one night, you gonna make your girl mad, and she ain't gonna cook for you, and you and Mister Microwave gonna become fast friends."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

White Teen Describes Car Only Driven By Ali G On Sundays

"Yeah, 2002. It's bangin'. Bangin'! Got the woodgrain on the wheel; shit is hot!"

OVERHEARD BY DN

Guy Immediately Qualifying To Be A Teamster

After All Buildings Had Been Evacuated On A Studio Lot During The Power Outage In Los Angeles: "If we were under attack, there'd be jets and shit. Let's see if the commissary is open."

OVERHEARD BY R.B. RIPLEY

Art Supply Store Clerk I Can't Help But Think Was Mistaken

"Yeah, I'm sorry, we don't have any two-sided paper."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Twenty Years Ago, Two Prescient Kids Discuss 'Intelligent Design'

Kid: "Why do we have two holes in our nose?"
Brother: "So you can breathe while you pick your nose."

OVERHEARD BY COLIN

Guy Whose Body Says 'Jackass'

"90% of your body language is how you talk."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Drunk Who Must Mean 'Down The Montgomery BART Steps'

"That's how I roll, muthafucka!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Children Left Behind

Teen Girl: "She used to be a P.E. teacher. Why she teaching physics?"
Teen Guy: "Dumbass. That's what P.E. stands for."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Fellow Overhearer On The Downside Of Eavesdropping

"I thought that guy was saying something worth overhearing, but he was just quoting The Simpsons."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Critic In SF Dive Bar 'Mr. Bing's'

"I like the painting over there of the tennis player picking her ass. That's art."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Writing Teacher On The Mammalian Quality Of Ideas

"Ideas are like cows. No, no, that's stupid.... Ideas are like rabbits."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl to Friend Before Walking Into Bedroom

Girl 1: "Let me go see if John is decent."
Girl 2: "You can tell that just by looking at him?"

OVERHEARD BY IRINA