Captain Literal, Disguised As A Mild-Mannered Server In Florida

Cook: "When a customer orders red meat, you must ask how they would like it cooked!!"
Server: "But once it's past medium well, it's not red anymore."

OVERHEARD BY MICHAEL

Perfectly Normal-Looking Girl, In Broad Daylight, In The Middle Of Campus

"You know, it just occurred to me that I could be arrested for murder!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Woman Sampling Too Many Smelly Bath Products

"I smell like a hippie!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Who Could Probably Get A Grant For That

"I'm a gay black man trapped in a heterosexual white man's body. Mmm-hmm."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl Walking Lands End Trail

"There's this guy at work named Dennis. They call him Uncle Dennis 'cause he's really pervy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guys In SF Restaurant, And The Problem With Hippies

Guy 1: "There's this girl at work named 'Yes'...."
Guy 2: "Is her nickname 'Yeah'?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

That's Like Forty-Nine For A Human

Girl 1: "I really hate him. He's such a bastard. But I still give him an 11 in bed."
Girl 2: "Hell, you haven't had good sex in so long, if a dog came up and humped your leg, you would give it a 7!"

OVERHEARD BY CHERYLANN

Wisdom Imparted From One Young Man To Another

"That's when I learned, son... never lie to niggahs, son, lie to bitches."

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

Starbucks New-Hire Missing The Point And Making A Funny, All At The Same Time

Manager: "The customer always comes first. Always."
Employee: "Oh, the customer came three times."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Obviously Drunk Girl To Obviously Whipped Boyfriend

"Fuck you and everything you stand for! .... No, I am not drunk."

OVERHEARD BY BLUE CANARY

Man Talking To Super-Talented Woman

"How can someone lose a CRACK PIPE AND A TYPEWRITER AT THE SAME TIME!!!"

OVERHEARD BY EMY

So-Not-Alternative Guys In Barnes & Noble

Guy 1: "I'm gonna get a Prince Albert."
Guy 2: "Is that where you pierce your penis?"
Guy 1: "Or maybe a tattoo."
Guy 2: "You should get a tattoo of Prince Albert."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy On MUNI Who Has Too Much Time On His...Um, Yeah

"Pepto Bismol makes my poo turn black."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Who Doesn't Know Tea Tree Oil Contains Crack

"My massage therapist? I think she uses like Reiki or something that makes people become addicted to her."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Father Yelling At Child

“To be any stupider, you’d have to be bigger!”

OVERHEARD BY PETER

Happy St. Pat's Day From Guy In Old Navy

Guy: (Reading a T-shirt) "'Kiss me, I'm Irish'. I don't get it."

OVERHEARD BY AMERICAN GEISHA

Not Very Good Waiter

Chef: "Eighty-six the quiche."
Waiter: "We have quiche?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Must've Been A Marketing Meeting

Girl: "Who all's going to be in the presentation on Monday?"
Guy: "Pretty much everyone, from the single-cell organisms to the carnivores."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Soon To Be Ex-Computer Programmers

Girl: “Yeah, I’m just at an age where I’m totally reassessing if this is what I really want to do.”
Guy: “Don’t worry. I know lots of people who are totally doing a ‘Control-Alt-Delete’ with their life.”

OVERHEARD BY CAMERON

Overheard At An AA Meeting In San Diego

"That's not my motis apparatus."

OVERHEARD BY THOM

Kid In Mission Insulting...Someone

"My dad's cousin's mom's boyfriend sucks."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Easy-To-Comply-With Woman At Eureka Valley Library

"You're going to have to move. Your sleeve is affecting my heart rate."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Holding Business Meeting Over Bus Stop Pay Phone

"Well, you've been seen in eight countries and you're really big in Miami, so I think we can definitely market that."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Cab Driver's Advice

"Older women? They know what to do with the sex."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy At Noe Valley Party, On Dude We've All Met Before

“I liked almost everyone, except Carl. He’s like a black hole in the shape of a human being.”

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy To Cat-Allergic House Guest

Guy 1: “You doing okay?”
Guy 2: “Yeah. Except for the breathing.”

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl Who's Not Into That Whole 'Pop Culture' Thing

Girl 1: "What's that big yellow square thing?"
Girl 2: "That's SpongeBob SquarePants."
Girl 1: "Sponge? I thought he was cheese."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

Guy On Computer That Isn't Working

"It's got cool functionality. I just can't get it to function."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

Two Friends Discussing Horniness For Women

Girl: "I wish random sluts would just fall out of the sky."
Guy: "I'm trying to pick some up online, but it's not working out too well. Most sluts hang out at bars, not on their computers."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

Why, Yes, There Was Drinking Involved

Girl 1: "Take me to my car!"
Girl 2: "You are in your car."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

Guy Proving Zero Minus Zero Equals Zero

"It's worse than nothing. It's nothing at all!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy From Last Post Explaining Himself

"I'm sorry. I've been at Hooters too long."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy On MUNI Empathizing With Friend

"Take a damn laxative and blow yourself loose!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who Should Get A New Roommate If He Makes It Past Tuesday

"My roommate's really bad about giving me messages. He's like, 'Oh, your doctor called three days ago. He said you only have four days to live.'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Discovering Quirk In Physics Among LA Restaurants

"Toast is the new Griddle, but the Griddle is still the Griddle."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Man Who Disagrees With Just About Everyone

"That 'Two and a Half Men' show is hilarious! Charlie Sheen is a great sitcom actor. He's got perfect comic timing."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Special Valentine's Edition: Overheard On Christmas

Drunk Woman In Norfolk VA: "I hate Christmas! I'm ugly! Somebody buy me a drink!"

OVERHEARD BY MIKE THE KNIFE

Girl To Whom The Only Response Is "With Your Goddamn Tiara"

"Where's your fucking boa?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Cell Phone-Talking Company Owner Who Just Doesn't Get It

"I'll start being nice when morale improves around there. Until then, the beatings will continue."

OVERHEARD BY SCOTT

Americans And Brits Coming Together

Girl: "People with accents are more interesting."
Guy: "Yeah, Amercians think that. But people in England are..."
Girl" "Mean?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Same Guy, Half An Hour Later, Still Impressed By Swiss Food Products

"Who knew there were so many different ways to eat cheese?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who Just Got Back From Switzerland

"It was nothing but cheese and chocolates."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Old Lady Obviously Glad To Be Dropping Her Friend Off

Old Lady 1: "Got everything?"
Old Lady 2: "Yep. Got all my hopes and all my fears."
Old Lady 1: "Well, that's everything."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Curses, This Dude's Plans Are Foiled Again

Dude: "Lemme ask you: what's your actual instinct on this? You see someone walking down the street, minding his own business, just happens to be burning a stick of incense. Do you think he's trying to cover something up?"
Man: "Yeah."
Dude: "Damn."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy In Cala, On The Already Ridiculous

Guy: "Did you know Mariah Carey has more #1 songs than Elvis and the Beatles?"
Girl: "Combined?"
Guy: "...That'd be ridiculous."

OVERHEARD BY TIM