Guy Who's Seen Too Many Capital One Commercials

Girl: "I think a raccoon tried to break into my car last night."
Guy: "Oh, no! Was your wallet in there?"

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

Woman At Giants Game, With Most Obscure Baseball Insult Ever

"C'mon, ump! The Superbowl's over, ya dummy!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Now He Just Needs To Learn How To Influence People

“Any friend of Kim’s friend’s boss is a friend of mine.”

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Married Woman At Wedding Talking To Her Husband's Friend

"With the kids, it's crazy. I'm tired all the time. But it's okay that we don't have sex because I'm a really good 'jerker off-er'."

OVERHEARD BY ERIN

Playwright's Entire Post-Reading Curtain Speech After Rousing Standing Ovation

"May no good come of this."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy On Cell Phone Crossing USC Campus

"Yeah, he nice to a certain extent, nigga. But that's what fucks me up. Why you gotta be nice to a certain extent?"

OVERHEARD BY JENNIFER

Nebraskan Realizing He's Talking To A San Franciscan

"Welcome to Omaha. Let me know if you need to know where to eat, where to get drunk, where to see naked women.... Or...uh...you know...naked men."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Out-Of-Towner Visiting The Tenderloin For The First Time

"Yeah, it's an interesting neighborhood. Kinda like Juarez. I have a one-legged wino watching my car."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Snarky Chick At Chapeau, On The Fugly Group At The Table Next To Her

"It's a party celebrating the victory of their class-action lawsuit against their plastic surgeon."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy In Front Of Inexplicable 'Art' At DeYoung Museum

"I can see why that one's 'Untitled.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Enlightened Woman In Macy's Shoe Department

"I think they're cute...but I don't think it's cute how they make my feet red and puffy."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Older Patron At Threepenny Opera, To Usher Using Flashlight To Show Latecomer To Her Seat (Ten Minutes Into Act II)

"What are you doing?! It's bad enough that the show is bad! You're just making it worse!!"

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

Woman With 5-Year-Old At Park Without Bathroom

"Well, I guess let's go in the bushes and I'll use a plastic bag like I do with the dog."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Mother And High-School-Aged Daughter To Salesperson In Borders

“My daughter needs to read Moby Dick for school. But you know, the old one, from way, way back.”

OVERHEARD BY VICTORIA

Guy Talking About His Mailman And Accidentally Entering A Vaudeville Routine

Guy: "Every day I get mail from the same guy. He's middle-aged, got long hair and he's Asian."
Girl: "Why does a long-haired middle-aged Asian man keep sending you mail?"

OVERHEARD BY IRINA

Blast From The Past: Haight Hippie Chick On The (Very Rainy) Day Jerry Garcia Died

"Look! Jerry sent us a rainbow!"

OVERHEARD BY MARCUS

Two Homeless Guys On Haight Street (Post-Dot-Com-Boom, Obviously)

"My accountant said that after taxes, I'd only get seventy five thou."

OVERHEARD BY MARCUS

Dude Also Selling Tickets To Clinton's Inaugural Ball

Scalper: "You need tickets for the game?"
Passerby: "For today's game? Goddamn, it's the fifth inning...."
Scalper: "That ain't my fault."

OVERHEARD BY DARREN

Tully's Coffee Chick, To Over-Attentive Customer

"Please don't stare at the barista, sir. This is not a zoo."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Old Guy In Cafe Who's Into Classic Films

"I'm trying to remember the name of a movie. It was by a very famous group from the East, and they all acted like pigs."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Teen Girl Not Getting An Autograph

"I hate that frickin' Sutton Foster."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Confused Guy Really Into His Walkie-Talkie

"Are you there?....Don't say 'Yes,' say '10-4 Negatory.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman On The Horrors Of The Soviet Empire

"You don't know who Curious George is?! That's why growing up in Russia is bad. You've had a deprived childhood."

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

Homeless Guy Who Needs To Update His Material

Beggar: "C'mon, help me out. Be my brother with another mother."
Woman: "Do I really look like a 'brother' to you?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy At Wedding Dissing Ex-Coworker

"He didn't really fit in. He was like a black jelly bean. Technically it's still candy, but it's not sweet, and you don't really want it."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who's Pretty Sure He Likes His Friend

"I have a terrible memory. I remember how I feel about people, but I don't remember why."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Loud Guy Revealing Dubious State Secrets In Thai Restaurant

"No one knows this; it's a military secret. But in New Orleans, they found a dead guy who crashed his car into the levee. That's why they broke. Not Katrina, but some drunk guy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Titian-Haired Girl Sleuth, On Her Next Assignment

"I'm bummed Emily didn't come to lunch with us. I wanted another chance to check for an Adam's apple."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who's A Perpetrator Himself

"I won't sit next to people on the train talking on their cellphone. I'm like, 'I refuse to be victimized by your small talk.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman On Pros And Cons Of Starting Dog-Walking Business

"Walking the dog is okay... it's the pooping I'm concerned about."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guys On Sidewalk, 2 A.M. (Shouldn't They Be Buried In An Underground Box Somewhere?)

Guy 1 (pointing): "This dude is a badass!"
Guy 2 (waving): "Hi! I'm David Blaine!"
Guy 1: "He can levitate!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Drunk Girl In Parking Lot Who Loves Her Friend

"Hey, this is Anna; she rocks! She rocks at sex! We have butt sex!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Guy For Whom It's Not A Choice

"When I was in the fourth grade my girlfriend caught me looking up the word 'penis' in the dictionary. That was probably a good indicator that she'd be the only girlfriend I ever had."

OVERHEARD BY MK

British Kid (Imagine The Accent) Belittling Mummy On Vail's Free Shuttle

"I asked you FIFTY times to help me with my mittens and all you said was SHUT UP and GO AWAY!"

OVERHEARD BY JORDAN

Woman At 1906 Earthquake Centennial, On Gaps In The Scheduled Program

"Is this the moment of silence, or did they just run out of people to speak?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl Who's Confused In More Ways Than One

"I met the cutest lesbian couple. They were like two really hot guys with boobs."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Starving Ballet Student (Are There Any Other Kind?) On MUNI

"God, I'm totally hungry. I'm hungrier than a homeless man."

OVERHEARD BY DESDEMONA

Noe Valley Women With Baby, Or, When Theatre People Procreate

Girl 1: "Look, Trevor's getting sleepy. He's rubbing his eyes so hard he looks like he's going to poke them out."
Girl 2: "Okay, come on, Oedipus, let's get you home!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Stingy LA Guy In SF Bar

Guy 1: "I'll buy, since you're in town visiting. And then next time I'm down in L.A. --"
Guy 2: "I won't answer the phone."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Captain Literal, Disguised As A Mild-Mannered Server In Florida

Cook: "When a customer orders red meat, you must ask how they would like it cooked!!"
Server: "But once it's past medium well, it's not red anymore."

OVERHEARD BY MICHAEL

Perfectly Normal-Looking Girl, In Broad Daylight, In The Middle Of Campus

"You know, it just occurred to me that I could be arrested for murder!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Woman Sampling Too Many Smelly Bath Products

"I smell like a hippie!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Who Could Probably Get A Grant For That

"I'm a gay black man trapped in a heterosexual white man's body. Mmm-hmm."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl Walking Lands End Trail

"There's this guy at work named Dennis. They call him Uncle Dennis 'cause he's really pervy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guys In SF Restaurant, And The Problem With Hippies

Guy 1: "There's this girl at work named 'Yes'...."
Guy 2: "Is her nickname 'Yeah'?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM