Man (Possibly Stephen Colbert) On Bus

"I don't read books. They put too many ideas into my head."

OVERHEARD BY ANDY

Mother And Son Leaving Store On Xmas Eve

Mother: “Now we’re going home to take a nap.”
Child: “But I’m not tired.”
Mother: “You will be. I have some NyQuil.”

OVERHEARD BY MELISSA

Seven Is The Reason For The Season

Man Leaving Mall, To Wife: "It's not how much you spend on presents; that's not what Christmas is about. It's about how many you give."

OVERHEARD BY GILLIAN

Merry Christmas From Uncle Scrooge

Wife, In Wal-Mart: "Now all we need to buy is her big gift."
Husband To Wife: "Are you kidding? That was $30 -- that is her big gift!"

OVERHEARD BY HEATHER

Best Compliment A Guy Could Receive On His Newly Grown Beard

Straight Friend: "What do you think?"
Gay Friend: "I like it.... Stay out of the Castro."

OVERHEARD BY JEFF

Overheard In The Navy!

Sailor: "Sir, are we going to Singapore on the way back from deployment?"
Officer: "I believe that's the plan, but it's not final yet."
Sailor: "I hope we do. I've always wanted to go to Saudi Arabia."

OVERHEARD BY MARGOT

Guy Who's Going Into It With The Right Attitude

"Yeah, Ed said he wants children someday -- a pack of feral children dressed in loincloths to protect him during the Apocalypse."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

Overheard At Yale University, On The Way Back From The Library

"Whoa. From this angle, it looked like you were picking your nose through the hole in my hat."

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

'So....Grace?'

Cellphone Lady: "Oh, we're like Will and Grace...only without the gay."

OVERHEARD BY SHANNIE

Time (Or Mentally) Challenged Clerks At Grocery Store

Clerk 1: "I heard it's your birthday tomorrow; how old are you going to be?"
Clerk 2: "24."
Clerk 1: "You're almost half a century old!"

OVERHEARD BY DAN

Several Girls Crowded Around Looking At Pictures On A Cellphone

"Okay, your ovaries are falling out of your body."

OVERHEARD BY MIKE

'Usually, Waking Up Is A Contraindication'

Guy In Bar: "He just went to sleep and then he woke up dead."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Two Guys Leaving Mission District Bar

Guy 1: "I could tell your friends weren't from San Francisco."
Guy 2: "How?"
Guy 1: "They were genuine."

OVERHEARD BY JEFF

Three-Year-Old Secure With Her Place In (The Center Of) The World

Woman: "Do you know who you are?"
Three-Year-Old: "I'm sissy's boss!"

OVERHEARD BY GUERITA331

Overheard Outside A Church

Guy 1: "What are Episcopalians?"
Guy 2: "I don't know, but they must be atheist. The sign says 'all are welcome'."

OVERHEARD BY STEVE

Couple Leaving 'No Country For Old Men'

Old Lady: "Do you know why it ended that way? Because it got four popcorns. Movies that get four popcorns always end like that."
Old Man: "You mean artsy?"
Old Lady: "Yeah, too artsy for me."

OVERHEARD BY MARIANNA

'I Hear Lots Of Boats Get Lost There'

In a first-year medical school anatomy class:
Professor: "This section will be really easy. You'll feel like you're on vacation."
Student: (whispering) "None of my vacations start with the anal triangle!"

OVERHEARD BY WALT

Overheard At Dry Cleaner's

Woman: "I need to speak to the owner, Orville."
Clerk: "Do you mean Wilbur?"

OVERHEARD BY JOEL

Woman At Airport Security With Appropriate Level Of Self-Esteem

"He asked me if I was worried about him coming in on me while I was changing, and I told him that would be his nightmare, not mine."

OVERHEARD BY BFD

Must Work In Advertising

Businessman To Two Other Businessmen: "All you have to do is treat me like I'm God."

OVERHEARD BY LADY OF THE ICE

Good Thing She Doesn't Drive A Hummer

Girl 1: "I wish you wouldn't park in the only guest parking spot. It's not fair to others."
Girl 2: "Well, I only park in that spot when no one else is parked there."

OVERHEARD BY CINDY

Girl On 48 MUNI Bus

“She’s so stupid, if she wasn’t Asian, she’d totally be blonde.”

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Two Mothers With Babies Having Lunch At A Cafe

Mom 1: "Do you suppose the nipple was the inspiration for the bullseye design?"
Mom 2: "I think bulls' eyes were probably the inspiration for the bullseye design."

OVERHEARD BY KERRY

After Only 10 Minutes Of Googling, You'll Know Why This Is Funny

Costume History Professor: (showing a slide of a Roman emperor's statue) "So, how can we tell he's Roman?"
Well-Informed Student:"Because he's Constantine?"

OVERHEARD BY JACQUELINE

No Moms Left Behind

Daughter: "You know, elephants are the only animals that can't jump. I wonder why."
Mother: "OH! I bet it's because they have four legs!"

OVERHEARD BY LAQUITHA

'No, That'd Be Suicide'

Girl: "So...what does weed killer do?"
Sister: "It kills weeds."
Girl: "So, do the weeds just, like, pop out of the ground then?"

OVERHEARD BY STEF

Guy At Party, To Guy Throwing Out Lots Of 'Icebreakers' At Party

“Dude, did you write the questions for Scruples or something?”

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Single, Childless Woman, On Her Niece Having A Baby

"I've been lapped, procreatively speaking."

OVERHEARD BY MARTHA

Mother And Daughter At Gym In Manchester, England

Mum: "Hey, they do yoga here."
Daughter: "What's yoga? Is it like aerobics?"
Mum: "No, it makes you more flexible and toned."
Daughter: "Can you lose weight?"
Mum: "No, love, stop fuckin' eatin'; maybe then you'll lose weight."

OVERHEARD BY JAYNA

Cell Phone Guy On 48 Bus, Seducing A Lover, Perhaps?

"Look, I don't fucking care what you do with it. Rub it all over your chest if that's what you're feeling up to."

OVERHEARD BY MARIANA

A David Mamet Play Comes To Life

Three well-dressed middle-aged guys are in a restaurant:
Guy 1: "You're a dickless wonder, you know that?"
Waitress: "Everyone okay here?"
Guy 2: "Some of us are okay. Some of us have issues."

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

And What's With All That 'Smelling Good' And 'Looking Pretty'? What Are They Trying To Prove?

Guy: "I'm not into sunflowers right now. They're so....slouchy."

OVERHEARD BY HEATHER

Overheard Lines Is On Vacation For A Week

"Back on the 29th. Thanks for reading, and we'll see you then!"

WRITTEN BY TIM

Although, In Oklahoma, It'd Qualify

Customer: "I'm looking for an inspirational book similar to 'Chicken Soup for the Soul'."
Salesperson: "Well, those 'Chicken Soup' books are really popular. You sure you don't want to look at those?"
Customer: "No thank you, I'm buying for my friend and she's a vegetarian."

OVERHEARD BY KATHERINE

Worse Than Yelling 'Fire'

Overheard in a theater while waiting for the play to begin:
Woman 1: "I heard she's coming back to Desperate Housewives this season."
Woman 2: "Who? Britney Spears?"

OVERHEARD BY ANDERS

Man At Computer (Hopefully Not A Government Computer)

"People are exploding and I don't know why. (mutters to himself) That's never a good thing."

OVERHEARD BY TASNICKER

Girl Unclear On The Concept Of 'Funny'

"I asked her where they were eating and she said, 'I don't know, she never told me.' It was funny."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Students Divvying Up Jobs

Student 1: "Okay, so we need someone to do a biographical sketch."
Student 2: (points to another student) "You look like you can draw."

OVERHEARD BY TRAVIS

I Think I Want To Spend The Rest Of My Life Hanging Out In O.B.'s Pub

A middle-aged couple are sitting in the pub, eating breakfast, when the fire alarm goes off. Told it's a false alarm, the man says to the woman:

"Thank God for that. I thought your mother had just come in."

OVERHEARD BY O.B.

Woman Exiting Four-And-A-Half-Hour Meeting

"This morning before the meeting, I didn't know what it was supposed to be about. Now, after the meeting...I don't know what it was supposed to be about."

OVERHEARD BY CLAIRE

This Might Be A Little, You Know...

Girl: "I want a complicated man."
Guy: "I'm complicated."
Girl: "You must not be that complicated if you have to tell me you're complicated."
Guy: "But I'm complicated enough that you didn't know I was complicated."

OVERHEARD BY PSYGUY

Life Is A Joke (Especially In The Pubs O.B. Hangs Out In)

A man with a backpack walks into the pub. They chat to a regular at the bar:
Regular: "Are you OK? I noticed you were limping when you came in."
Backpacker: "My leg does ache a bit."
Regular: "Perhaps I can help. I'm a physiotherapist."
Backpacker: "Pity you're not a carpenter. It's a wooden leg."

OVERHEARD BY O.B.

Oklahoman Who's Sensitive To His Vegetarian Guests

"Well, we're about to watch the OU game, and we're going to cook buffalo steaks, and some chicken for people who don't eat meat."

OVERHEARD BY MK

The Problem With Procrastination

Woman 1: "I'm not a dilletante; I'm serendipitous. ...I should embroider that on a pillow."
Woman 2: "Yeah, but you'd only get about halfway done."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Next Week On Journeyman

Mother and Daughter Listen To The Radio For A While. Then:
Daughter: "You know this isn't really happening. This is tomorrow morning's news."
Mom: "Why do you say that?"
Daughter: "Because I turned it to AM."

OVERHEARD BY MISSY