Guy With Expansive Heart (And Waistline)

"He's a cool guy. He lifts weights, but I don't hold that against him."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Working While Listening To Showtunes

"It's hard to type when you're doing jazz hands."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Art Director Dealing With Copy, Discovering What Gangsters Have Known All Along

"In a small space, bullets suck."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman Whose World I'd Like To Live In

Woman 1: "They went on a tandem parachute jump for their anniversary, which I think is cool. Not exactly romantic, but cool."
Woman 2: "Really, that's crazy! How do they stay on the bike?"

OVERHEARD BY MATTHEW

Oddest Insult Ever

"Shut the hell up you piggy-nosed titty-eyed motherfucker."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl Talking To Rough Trade Queen

Girl: "I like your picture; you look all tough."
Guy: "Yeah, that's the look I reserve for walking South of Market late at night. But when I open my mouth, it's all pink and glitter."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Curious Guy In Marina Bar

"So when you sign up to be a lesbian, there's not some box you can check that says you don't want to be a vegetarian?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Administrative Assistant, Or Possibly Hooker

Asst. On Phone: "I don't do Larry. I don't know who does Larry. I guess Larry does Larry. I only do Richard."

OVERHEARD BY KELLEY

Friends On Passing, Um, Person

Guy: "What do you think, gay or straight?"
Girl: "That depends.... is that a man or a woman?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Who Works In...I'm Guessing Marketing

"We hate it here. All we do for five hours each day is sit in our offices, hold hands and cry."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy With Finger-Bone Necklace Talking To Another

"'77 and '78, they're the best years ever. They're sweet and full and round!"

OVERHEARD BY RODNEY

Gay Man On Straight Friend Wearing Eye Makeup

"I think he's deliberately jamming up my gaydar."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Dude In Restaurant, On Creepy Older Woman Who Tried To Sleep With Him At His Bar Mitzvah

"I figured she'd tried to sleep with everyone in my family except my brother. And Dad pretty much confirmed that."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Club Kid Not Yet Ready For Serious Clubbing

"Oh, I forgot to do my X. I need to do my X sometime soon... I wonder if I just ate some of the powder in the bottom of the bag, if it would cheer me up."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl On Cell Phone

"He's the best girlfriend you could have, on a lot of levels."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Bus Driver Yelling At SUV Driver

"Give me a break! You're just going to pull right out in front of me? It's not like you can't see me... I'm a BUS!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl Who Ain't Gonna Be Going Home, Then

"I don't have gold. I don't have fortunes. If I got kidnapped, my parents would say, 'Here's ten cents.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl On Phone At Mission & 24th

"Well, what's worse? Hanging out with her all the damn time or seeing a kid every couple of weeks?"

OVERHEARD BY DONNY

Guy Following The Libertarian Diet

Girl: "Oh, that Snickers looks good. Tell me something to keep me from eating it."
Guy: "Hey, everyone is on their own path."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl To Guy At Bean Bag Cafe (Such A San Francisco Thing To Say)

"Oh, that's right, you eat wheat."

OVERHEARD BY BRIAN

Guy Who Won't Lose This Argument With His Wife

"I never said nothin' I never said!"

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

Greedy Family Hogging Prime Real Estate

"Just because it's a public pier doesn't mean you can use it!"

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

Guy On The New Official Test

GUY 1: "My cousin's adopted, so we don't know what nationality he is. We think he's Puerto Rican, but we don't know for sure."
GUY 2: "Play him 'West Side Story' and see if he claps along."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Putting A Damper On The Celebration

Girl: "I love watching fireworks."
Guy: "You should go to Iraq."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Screaming Noe Valley Kid Channeling Queen Elizabeth

"We're not eating at home, okay? We DO NOT LIKE eating at home!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Gay Man In Wheelchair, Riding Through Castro

"Sometimes it's not so bad riding at crotch level."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Little Kid In Exclusive Boutique, Discovering A Chest Of Toys To Play With While Mom Shops

"Look Mom, they have real toys! Not sex toys."

OVERHEARD BY KERRY

Grocery Store Clerk Going On Break, To Everyone Within Earshot

"Whew! I'm sweating in places you don't even want to KNOW about!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Drunk Guy To Quiet Spectators Watching Giants Lose

"You're all a bunch of fair-feathered fans!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Oklahoman Visiting The Castro

"I've never seen so many straight-looking gay guys. Like Butt-Crack over there."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman Picking Up Old Man From Nude Beach

"So, did you get some sun on your doodads?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Whose Son Wishes Darth Vader Was His Father

"Stop talking about Star Wars! We are not watching Star Wars, we are not reading Star Wars, we are not playing the Star Wars video game. We are at the beach!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Lesbian Who's Going To Have A Rough 69th Birthday

"I was going to try to kiss 38 women for my 38th birthday, but decided it would be too exhausting.... Kissing takes time."

OVERHEARD BY DAVID

Executive Assistant Busted By Logic, To Daughters She Brought To Work And Stashed On Patio Outside 2nd Floor

Execu-Mom: "You two are being too loud. Use your indoor voices."
7-Year-Old: "But we're OUTSIDE!!!"

OVERHEARD BY KELLEY

Woman To Mumbling, Grumbling, Grumpy Old Man

"Is bitching just part of your process?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Brilliant Repartee From Two Dominos Workers On The Street

Dominos 1: "THAT'S NOT NICE!"
Dominos 2: "Yes it is!"
Dominos 1: "THAT'S NOT NICE!!"
Dominos 2: "Yes it is!!"
Dominos 1: "NO IT ISN'T! THAT'S NOT NICE! THAT'S NOT DISCIPLINED!"
Dominos 2: "YES IT IS!"

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

Straight Girl At Grand Opening Of Lesbian Bar

"They just played 'I Know What Boys Like.' None of the other girls sang along."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Travel Expert, On Why His Parents Should Take A Coat

“A lot of San Antonio is outside.”

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who's Seen Too Many Capital One Commercials

Girl: "I think a raccoon tried to break into my car last night."
Guy: "Oh, no! Was your wallet in there?"

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

Woman At Giants Game, With Most Obscure Baseball Insult Ever

"C'mon, ump! The Superbowl's over, ya dummy!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Now He Just Needs To Learn How To Influence People

“Any friend of Kim’s friend’s boss is a friend of mine.”

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Married Woman At Wedding Talking To Her Husband's Friend

"With the kids, it's crazy. I'm tired all the time. But it's okay that we don't have sex because I'm a really good 'jerker off-er'."

OVERHEARD BY ERIN

Playwright's Entire Post-Reading Curtain Speech After Rousing Standing Ovation

"May no good come of this."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy On Cell Phone Crossing USC Campus

"Yeah, he nice to a certain extent, nigga. But that's what fucks me up. Why you gotta be nice to a certain extent?"

OVERHEARD BY JENNIFER

Nebraskan Realizing He's Talking To A San Franciscan

"Welcome to Omaha. Let me know if you need to know where to eat, where to get drunk, where to see naked women.... Or...uh...you know...naked men."

OVERHEARD BY TIM