Woman With Two Ex-Husbands And One Plan For The Future

Woman: "Marriage is like a whole other world where everything from the rational world goes out the door. I plan to live in sin and have bastard children."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

Thrift Store Workers Collecting Stuff On The Day Before Thanksgiving

Woman 1: "Why's it so busy today?"
Woman 2: "Everybody has family coming over and they don't want them to see how they really live."

HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM TIM

Guy Listening To The Smiths

"This is one of my favorite songs! I always think of it when I'm thinking of evil."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Wise One Walking On Polk Street

"Sure I like sushi, but I'm not going to eat it in Colorado."

OVERHEARD BY AMY

Guy On The V.P.'s P.R.

"I wouldn't even trust Dick Cheney to wash my car. Not only would he do a bad job, he'd lie about it, too."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy At Airport, Miffed About Security Concerns Over Red Sauce

"Well, we wouldn't want Osama whipping up some penne pasta, now, would we?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Clever Guy Working Out The Details Of A Devious Plan

Girl: "I don’t want to go. Maybe I’ll gnaw my arm off."
Guy: "No, first get it caught in caught in a door so there’s an understanding of WHY you gnawed your arm off."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl Getting Off The Phone With Her 15-Year-Old Sister

"She's my heart, she's my soul, and I want to punch her in the face."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Dudes At Coffee Shop, Perhaps Proposing Democratic Platform

Guy 1: "It should be 'Marijuana For Everyone.'"
Guy 2: "As long as they don't take mine."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl You Don't Wanna Mess With On Thursday

"Remind me I'm supposed to be nice on Wednesday."

OVERHEARD BY MK

So, Then, Isn't It Technically A Museum?

Cellphone Woman: "They have this awesome little shop. Except you can't buy anything there."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Sensitive Passenger On Haight Street Bus

"Someone's perfume on here is strong enough to choke a French whore."

OVERHEARD BY JESSICA

Eight Year Old Soon-To-Be-Insurance-Commissioner At Brunch

“My name is Tyler Lewis, and I approved this breakfast.”

OVERHEARD BY KERRY

Unadvisedly Curious Girl On Cellphone

"So tell me why you think my husband is a douchebag."

OVERHEARD BY EMILY

New Yorker Trying To Grasp The Geography Of The Red States

"Oklahoma... Now what state is that in?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Hillbillies Need Grooming, Too

Guy 1: "Hey, what's up?"
Guy 2: "Going to get my hair cut."
Guy 1: "Yeah, it's time for me to do that, too, but my barber done got thrown in jail."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Dad To Son Holding Balloon Sword/Penis

Dad: "Who made you this?"
Son: "A clown out on the sidewalk."
Dad: "Was he wearing pants?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Waitress Ruining All Romantic Notions Of Life At A BBQ Restaurant

Woman: "It smells so good in here!"
Waitress: "Yeah, you should smell my car, my house, my clothes... I wash them and they still smell like meat."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman Watching Dad Try To Get Stroller Through Coffee Shop Door

"You can always tell the new ones."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Matching Outfits? Or Beating Victims?

Woman: "You guys are twins!"
Other Woman: "We are! We're black and blue!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Maybe It's A Rare Buggles B-Side

Hippie Bum In Mission: "Fags killed rock and roll."

OVERHEARD BY JESSICA

Guy Yelling Through Car Window At Slow-Driving Woman At 9:15 AM

"They don't call it rush hour for nothing, lady!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Overheard By A Water Sign

Man on N train: "I'm getting astrological sign change surgery. I'm a Libra right now but I don't feel like a fire sign. I need to be an earth sign. I'm thinking of becoming a Taurus."
Woman on N train: "Really? I'm a Taurus."
Man on N train: "Oh? When were you born?"
Woman on N train: "April 28th. Same as Hitler."

OVERHEARD BY TANIA

And The New Yorker Would Probably Caption It: "As Well They Should Be..."

Girl At DSW Shoe Warehouse Justifying Purchases To Friend: "All my dress shoes are on their last legs!"

OVERHEARD BY ELIZABETH

Girl Inventing "LYLAC"

"Jeff I love like a brother. Jason I love like a cellmate."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

High-Minded Theory On Low-Minded Films

"Movies have gotten so predictable that they're no longer funny. There's always a big conflict and then everything gets resolved. It takes the humor right out of it. Take the recent SpongeBob SquarePants movie, for instance...."

OVERHEARD BY EVAN

3-Year-Old In High Chair At Starbucks

"I like coffee!"

OVERHEARD BY EVAN

Man Yelling From Apartment Window To Blonde-Haired Person Crossing Street At Columbus And Kearney

"Attention blonde-haired people that are walking across the street: I am bringing sexy back."

OVERHEARD BY INGRID

Les Pauvres Enfants!

Girl 1: "So Jane got a job teaching music in French."
Girl 2: "That's great."
Girl 3: "She doesn't know any music.... Or French."

OVERHEARD BY EVAN

Wisest Girl Ever, To Her Brother

"You know what makes you just like everyone else? You think you're special."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Gen X And Gen Y Bookstore Employees Showing Their Age

Guy: "I used to love the Berenstain Bears. Then they betrayed me! My mom brought home 'The Berenstain Bears And Too Much TV' and I knew that night, no Sheriff Lobo."
Girl: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Guy: "Things from way before you were born, I guess."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman At End Of Play Finally Cluing In To The Process

"Oh my God! Someone wrote that!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Reductive Tourist Walking Towards Lincoln Memorial

"That's the thing on the back of the penny!"

OVERHEARD BY AMY

Guy To Woman Wondering If Her Rented Mansion Has All The Amenities

"If they have a Miró on the wall, they probably have purified water."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Mother Who Doesn't Like Labels, To Child At Zoo

"We came here to see animals, not ducks!"

OVERHEARD BY JIM

Guy Talking To Buddy As They Wait For Shopping Girlfriends

"Why can't they put regular rings on their toes?"

OVERHEARD BY KELLEY

Exchange In A Spanish Class (And Now Everyone Knows The Answer)

Teacher: "How was your weekend?"
Student: "Como se dice 'gastrointestinal'?"

OVERHEARD BY CLARK

5-Year-Old Who Had Accident In Ocean, After Adult Tried To Console Her By Confessing To Doing The Same When Younger

"Did YOUR butt smell when you pooped your pants?"

OVERHEARD BY PRIYA

Gay Guy On Girls Who Think They're Relating

Gay Guy: "You know the Horsehoe isn't a gay bar, right?"
Straight Guy: "I know. Let's just go anyway."
Gay Guy: "Okay, but if one more bitch asks me if I like her shoes...."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Obvious Woman To Random Stranger On MUNI

"I like fall clothes because I like sweaters!"

OVERHEARD BY ANNA

Rich American Woman On Cheap Mexican Hamburgers

"I took one bite and it was so good I went back and ordered two more for my dogs."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Kid On The Wonder Of Dogs Licking Themselves

"He licks his own butt! It's like carrying candy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Yuppie Mom Walking In Park With Fussy 5-Year-Old

"Well, you're not listening to me, so I'm not sharing any more latte."

OVERHEARD BY KELLEY

Summer Vacation

"Overheard Lines is on summer vacation. Back in a week. Meantime, send quotes! Leave comments! Or read the archives...."

SAID BY TIM

Kids Say The Darndest Fucking Things

8-Year-Old: "...then I'm gonna go to college and become a lawyer."
Mom: "Why don't you go to medical school and become a doctor?"
8-Year-Old: (whining) "Cause I don't wanna be a fucking doctor."

OVERHEARD BY CHRIS