Season's Greetings From Overheard Lines!

"Overheard Lines will go dark until 2007. Please make note of all the inane things your family says when you visit for the holidays and send them our way. Happy Merry!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who May Or May Not Be Having Black-Eyed Peas

"Let's stay in and cook on New Year's. We'll try to make something traditional but not disgusting."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Dude On Bus Who Must Be Friends With Bill O'Reilly

"Jon Stewart! I'm going to find the people that know him and find him and hit him in the face."

OVERHEARD BY JESSICA

The Walt Whitman Of Bums, On The Number Six Bus

"Dogs pee free, why can't we?"

OVERHEARD BY JESSICA

SNL-Watching Woman

"It's a thin line between Justin Timberlake and Kevin Federline."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who Can Probably Also Beat Up People After Watching Popeye Cartoons

"I was listening to Bob Marley earlier today and it totally gave me the munchies."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Crazy Guy Riding BART

"Everybody! It's my fucking birthday! ... Who wants fennel?!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Said With Disdain Outside The Conde Nast Building

"Oh God! That is soooo Architectural Digest."

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

Disillusioned Girl On Cellphone

"The restaurant actually had Two Buck Chuck on the menu! We asked him how much it was.... Thirteen bucks."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Identity Theft, Anyone?

Middle-Aged Cellphone Guy On BART During Crowded Afternoon Rush Hour: "Hey, yeah, I want the car. Since I'm not gonna be able to make it to the dealership before you close, I'll just give you my credit card number now...." :: proceeds to loudly speak his credit card number, expiration date and personal info into the phone -- then calls his wife and says he just bought a Mercedes ::

OVERHEARD BY KIRK

Possible Double Compliment, From Crazy Fat Guy With Cane

"Oh, my sister would love you.... She's a lesbian."

OVERHEARD BY SIOBHAN (FEMALE)

Girl With One Tiny Little Problem

"My only problem with driving is I drive in both lanes."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Little Girl In Next Stall Who Has More Bodily Functions Than Most

"I just went number twelve!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman With Two Ex-Husbands And One Plan For The Future

Woman: "Marriage is like a whole other world where everything from the rational world goes out the door. I plan to live in sin and have bastard children."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

Thrift Store Workers Collecting Stuff On The Day Before Thanksgiving

Woman 1: "Why's it so busy today?"
Woman 2: "Everybody has family coming over and they don't want them to see how they really live."

HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM TIM

Guy Listening To The Smiths

"This is one of my favorite songs! I always think of it when I'm thinking of evil."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Wise One Walking On Polk Street

"Sure I like sushi, but I'm not going to eat it in Colorado."

OVERHEARD BY AMY

Guy On The V.P.'s P.R.

"I wouldn't even trust Dick Cheney to wash my car. Not only would he do a bad job, he'd lie about it, too."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy At Airport, Miffed About Security Concerns Over Red Sauce

"Well, we wouldn't want Osama whipping up some penne pasta, now, would we?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Clever Guy Working Out The Details Of A Devious Plan

Girl: "I don’t want to go. Maybe I’ll gnaw my arm off."
Guy: "No, first get it caught in caught in a door so there’s an understanding of WHY you gnawed your arm off."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl Getting Off The Phone With Her 15-Year-Old Sister

"She's my heart, she's my soul, and I want to punch her in the face."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Dudes At Coffee Shop, Perhaps Proposing Democratic Platform

Guy 1: "It should be 'Marijuana For Everyone.'"
Guy 2: "As long as they don't take mine."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl You Don't Wanna Mess With On Thursday

"Remind me I'm supposed to be nice on Wednesday."

OVERHEARD BY MK

So, Then, Isn't It Technically A Museum?

Cellphone Woman: "They have this awesome little shop. Except you can't buy anything there."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Sensitive Passenger On Haight Street Bus

"Someone's perfume on here is strong enough to choke a French whore."

OVERHEARD BY JESSICA

Eight Year Old Soon-To-Be-Insurance-Commissioner At Brunch

“My name is Tyler Lewis, and I approved this breakfast.”

OVERHEARD BY KERRY

Unadvisedly Curious Girl On Cellphone

"So tell me why you think my husband is a douchebag."

OVERHEARD BY EMILY

New Yorker Trying To Grasp The Geography Of The Red States

"Oklahoma... Now what state is that in?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Hillbillies Need Grooming, Too

Guy 1: "Hey, what's up?"
Guy 2: "Going to get my hair cut."
Guy 1: "Yeah, it's time for me to do that, too, but my barber done got thrown in jail."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Dad To Son Holding Balloon Sword/Penis

Dad: "Who made you this?"
Son: "A clown out on the sidewalk."
Dad: "Was he wearing pants?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Waitress Ruining All Romantic Notions Of Life At A BBQ Restaurant

Woman: "It smells so good in here!"
Waitress: "Yeah, you should smell my car, my house, my clothes... I wash them and they still smell like meat."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman Watching Dad Try To Get Stroller Through Coffee Shop Door

"You can always tell the new ones."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Matching Outfits? Or Beating Victims?

Woman: "You guys are twins!"
Other Woman: "We are! We're black and blue!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Maybe It's A Rare Buggles B-Side

Hippie Bum In Mission: "Fags killed rock and roll."

OVERHEARD BY JESSICA

Guy Yelling Through Car Window At Slow-Driving Woman At 9:15 AM

"They don't call it rush hour for nothing, lady!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Overheard By A Water Sign

Man on N train: "I'm getting astrological sign change surgery. I'm a Libra right now but I don't feel like a fire sign. I need to be an earth sign. I'm thinking of becoming a Taurus."
Woman on N train: "Really? I'm a Taurus."
Man on N train: "Oh? When were you born?"
Woman on N train: "April 28th. Same as Hitler."

OVERHEARD BY TANIA

And The New Yorker Would Probably Caption It: "As Well They Should Be..."

Girl At DSW Shoe Warehouse Justifying Purchases To Friend: "All my dress shoes are on their last legs!"

OVERHEARD BY ELIZABETH

Girl Inventing "LYLAC"

"Jeff I love like a brother. Jason I love like a cellmate."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

High-Minded Theory On Low-Minded Films

"Movies have gotten so predictable that they're no longer funny. There's always a big conflict and then everything gets resolved. It takes the humor right out of it. Take the recent SpongeBob SquarePants movie, for instance...."

OVERHEARD BY EVAN

3-Year-Old In High Chair At Starbucks

"I like coffee!"

OVERHEARD BY EVAN

Man Yelling From Apartment Window To Blonde-Haired Person Crossing Street At Columbus And Kearney

"Attention blonde-haired people that are walking across the street: I am bringing sexy back."

OVERHEARD BY INGRID

Les Pauvres Enfants!

Girl 1: "So Jane got a job teaching music in French."
Girl 2: "That's great."
Girl 3: "She doesn't know any music.... Or French."

OVERHEARD BY EVAN

Wisest Girl Ever, To Her Brother

"You know what makes you just like everyone else? You think you're special."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Gen X And Gen Y Bookstore Employees Showing Their Age

Guy: "I used to love the Berenstain Bears. Then they betrayed me! My mom brought home 'The Berenstain Bears And Too Much TV' and I knew that night, no Sheriff Lobo."
Girl: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Guy: "Things from way before you were born, I guess."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman At End Of Play Finally Cluing In To The Process

"Oh my God! Someone wrote that!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Reductive Tourist Walking Towards Lincoln Memorial

"That's the thing on the back of the penny!"

OVERHEARD BY AMY

Guy To Woman Wondering If Her Rented Mansion Has All The Amenities

"If they have a Miró on the wall, they probably have purified water."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Mother Who Doesn't Like Labels, To Child At Zoo

"We came here to see animals, not ducks!"

OVERHEARD BY JIM

Guy Talking To Buddy As They Wait For Shopping Girlfriends

"Why can't they put regular rings on their toes?"

OVERHEARD BY KELLEY

Exchange In A Spanish Class (And Now Everyone Knows The Answer)

Teacher: "How was your weekend?"
Student: "Como se dice 'gastrointestinal'?"

OVERHEARD BY CLARK

5-Year-Old Who Had Accident In Ocean, After Adult Tried To Console Her By Confessing To Doing The Same When Younger

"Did YOUR butt smell when you pooped your pants?"

OVERHEARD BY PRIYA

Gay Guy On Girls Who Think They're Relating

Gay Guy: "You know the Horsehoe isn't a gay bar, right?"
Straight Guy: "I know. Let's just go anyway."
Gay Guy: "Okay, but if one more bitch asks me if I like her shoes...."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Obvious Woman To Random Stranger On MUNI

"I like fall clothes because I like sweaters!"

OVERHEARD BY ANNA

Rich American Woman On Cheap Mexican Hamburgers

"I took one bite and it was so good I went back and ordered two more for my dogs."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Kid On The Wonder Of Dogs Licking Themselves

"He licks his own butt! It's like carrying candy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Yuppie Mom Walking In Park With Fussy 5-Year-Old

"Well, you're not listening to me, so I'm not sharing any more latte."

OVERHEARD BY KELLEY

Summer Vacation

"Overheard Lines is on summer vacation. Back in a week. Meantime, send quotes! Leave comments! Or read the archives...."

SAID BY TIM

Kids Say The Darndest Fucking Things

8-Year-Old: "...then I'm gonna go to college and become a lawyer."
Mom: "Why don't you go to medical school and become a doctor?"
8-Year-Old: (whining) "Cause I don't wanna be a fucking doctor."

OVERHEARD BY CHRIS

Guy With Expansive Heart (And Waistline)

"He's a cool guy. He lifts weights, but I don't hold that against him."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Working While Listening To Showtunes

"It's hard to type when you're doing jazz hands."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Art Director Dealing With Copy, Discovering What Gangsters Have Known All Along

"In a small space, bullets suck."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman Whose World I'd Like To Live In

Woman 1: "They went on a tandem parachute jump for their anniversary, which I think is cool. Not exactly romantic, but cool."
Woman 2: "Really, that's crazy! How do they stay on the bike?"

OVERHEARD BY MATTHEW

Oddest Insult Ever

"Shut the hell up you piggy-nosed titty-eyed motherfucker."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl Talking To Rough Trade Queen

Girl: "I like your picture; you look all tough."
Guy: "Yeah, that's the look I reserve for walking South of Market late at night. But when I open my mouth, it's all pink and glitter."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Curious Guy In Marina Bar

"So when you sign up to be a lesbian, there's not some box you can check that says you don't want to be a vegetarian?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Administrative Assistant, Or Possibly Hooker

Asst. On Phone: "I don't do Larry. I don't know who does Larry. I guess Larry does Larry. I only do Richard."

OVERHEARD BY KELLEY

Friends On Passing, Um, Person

Guy: "What do you think, gay or straight?"
Girl: "That depends.... is that a man or a woman?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Who Works In...I'm Guessing Marketing

"We hate it here. All we do for five hours each day is sit in our offices, hold hands and cry."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy With Finger-Bone Necklace Talking To Another

"'77 and '78, they're the best years ever. They're sweet and full and round!"

OVERHEARD BY RODNEY

Gay Man On Straight Friend Wearing Eye Makeup

"I think he's deliberately jamming up my gaydar."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Dude In Restaurant, On Creepy Older Woman Who Tried To Sleep With Him At His Bar Mitzvah

"I figured she'd tried to sleep with everyone in my family except my brother. And Dad pretty much confirmed that."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Club Kid Not Yet Ready For Serious Clubbing

"Oh, I forgot to do my X. I need to do my X sometime soon... I wonder if I just ate some of the powder in the bottom of the bag, if it would cheer me up."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl On Cell Phone

"He's the best girlfriend you could have, on a lot of levels."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Bus Driver Yelling At SUV Driver

"Give me a break! You're just going to pull right out in front of me? It's not like you can't see me... I'm a BUS!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl Who Ain't Gonna Be Going Home, Then

"I don't have gold. I don't have fortunes. If I got kidnapped, my parents would say, 'Here's ten cents.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl On Phone At Mission & 24th

"Well, what's worse? Hanging out with her all the damn time or seeing a kid every couple of weeks?"

OVERHEARD BY DONNY

Guy Following The Libertarian Diet

Girl: "Oh, that Snickers looks good. Tell me something to keep me from eating it."
Guy: "Hey, everyone is on their own path."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl To Guy At Bean Bag Cafe (Such A San Francisco Thing To Say)

"Oh, that's right, you eat wheat."

OVERHEARD BY BRIAN

Guy Who Won't Lose This Argument With His Wife

"I never said nothin' I never said!"

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

Greedy Family Hogging Prime Real Estate

"Just because it's a public pier doesn't mean you can use it!"

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

Guy On The New Official Test

GUY 1: "My cousin's adopted, so we don't know what nationality he is. We think he's Puerto Rican, but we don't know for sure."
GUY 2: "Play him 'West Side Story' and see if he claps along."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Putting A Damper On The Celebration

Girl: "I love watching fireworks."
Guy: "You should go to Iraq."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Screaming Noe Valley Kid Channeling Queen Elizabeth

"We're not eating at home, okay? We DO NOT LIKE eating at home!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Gay Man In Wheelchair, Riding Through Castro

"Sometimes it's not so bad riding at crotch level."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Little Kid In Exclusive Boutique, Discovering A Chest Of Toys To Play With While Mom Shops

"Look Mom, they have real toys! Not sex toys."

OVERHEARD BY KERRY

Grocery Store Clerk Going On Break, To Everyone Within Earshot

"Whew! I'm sweating in places you don't even want to KNOW about!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Drunk Guy To Quiet Spectators Watching Giants Lose

"You're all a bunch of fair-feathered fans!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Oklahoman Visiting The Castro

"I've never seen so many straight-looking gay guys. Like Butt-Crack over there."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman Picking Up Old Man From Nude Beach

"So, did you get some sun on your doodads?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Whose Son Wishes Darth Vader Was His Father

"Stop talking about Star Wars! We are not watching Star Wars, we are not reading Star Wars, we are not playing the Star Wars video game. We are at the beach!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Lesbian Who's Going To Have A Rough 69th Birthday

"I was going to try to kiss 38 women for my 38th birthday, but decided it would be too exhausting.... Kissing takes time."

OVERHEARD BY DAVID

Executive Assistant Busted By Logic, To Daughters She Brought To Work And Stashed On Patio Outside 2nd Floor

Execu-Mom: "You two are being too loud. Use your indoor voices."
7-Year-Old: "But we're OUTSIDE!!!"

OVERHEARD BY KELLEY

Woman To Mumbling, Grumbling, Grumpy Old Man

"Is bitching just part of your process?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Brilliant Repartee From Two Dominos Workers On The Street

Dominos 1: "THAT'S NOT NICE!"
Dominos 2: "Yes it is!"
Dominos 1: "THAT'S NOT NICE!!"
Dominos 2: "Yes it is!!"
Dominos 1: "NO IT ISN'T! THAT'S NOT NICE! THAT'S NOT DISCIPLINED!"
Dominos 2: "YES IT IS!"

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

Straight Girl At Grand Opening Of Lesbian Bar

"They just played 'I Know What Boys Like.' None of the other girls sang along."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Travel Expert, On Why His Parents Should Take A Coat

“A lot of San Antonio is outside.”

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who's Seen Too Many Capital One Commercials

Girl: "I think a raccoon tried to break into my car last night."
Guy: "Oh, no! Was your wallet in there?"

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

Woman At Giants Game, With Most Obscure Baseball Insult Ever

"C'mon, ump! The Superbowl's over, ya dummy!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Now He Just Needs To Learn How To Influence People

“Any friend of Kim’s friend’s boss is a friend of mine.”

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Married Woman At Wedding Talking To Her Husband's Friend

"With the kids, it's crazy. I'm tired all the time. But it's okay that we don't have sex because I'm a really good 'jerker off-er'."

OVERHEARD BY ERIN

Playwright's Entire Post-Reading Curtain Speech After Rousing Standing Ovation

"May no good come of this."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy On Cell Phone Crossing USC Campus

"Yeah, he nice to a certain extent, nigga. But that's what fucks me up. Why you gotta be nice to a certain extent?"

OVERHEARD BY JENNIFER

Nebraskan Realizing He's Talking To A San Franciscan

"Welcome to Omaha. Let me know if you need to know where to eat, where to get drunk, where to see naked women.... Or...uh...you know...naked men."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Out-Of-Towner Visiting The Tenderloin For The First Time

"Yeah, it's an interesting neighborhood. Kinda like Juarez. I have a one-legged wino watching my car."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Snarky Chick At Chapeau, On The Fugly Group At The Table Next To Her

"It's a party celebrating the victory of their class-action lawsuit against their plastic surgeon."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy In Front Of Inexplicable 'Art' At DeYoung Museum

"I can see why that one's 'Untitled.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Enlightened Woman In Macy's Shoe Department

"I think they're cute...but I don't think it's cute how they make my feet red and puffy."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Older Patron At Threepenny Opera, To Usher Using Flashlight To Show Latecomer To Her Seat (Ten Minutes Into Act II)

"What are you doing?! It's bad enough that the show is bad! You're just making it worse!!"

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

Woman With 5-Year-Old At Park Without Bathroom

"Well, I guess let's go in the bushes and I'll use a plastic bag like I do with the dog."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Mother And High-School-Aged Daughter To Salesperson In Borders

“My daughter needs to read Moby Dick for school. But you know, the old one, from way, way back.”

OVERHEARD BY VICTORIA

Guy Talking About His Mailman And Accidentally Entering A Vaudeville Routine

Guy: "Every day I get mail from the same guy. He's middle-aged, got long hair and he's Asian."
Girl: "Why does a long-haired middle-aged Asian man keep sending you mail?"

OVERHEARD BY IRINA

Blast From The Past: Haight Hippie Chick On The (Very Rainy) Day Jerry Garcia Died

"Look! Jerry sent us a rainbow!"

OVERHEARD BY MARCUS

Two Homeless Guys On Haight Street (Post-Dot-Com-Boom, Obviously)

"My accountant said that after taxes, I'd only get seventy five thou."

OVERHEARD BY MARCUS

Dude Also Selling Tickets To Clinton's Inaugural Ball

Scalper: "You need tickets for the game?"
Passerby: "For today's game? Goddamn, it's the fifth inning...."
Scalper: "That ain't my fault."

OVERHEARD BY DARREN

Tully's Coffee Chick, To Over-Attentive Customer

"Please don't stare at the barista, sir. This is not a zoo."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Old Guy In Cafe Who's Into Classic Films

"I'm trying to remember the name of a movie. It was by a very famous group from the East, and they all acted like pigs."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Teen Girl Not Getting An Autograph

"I hate that frickin' Sutton Foster."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Confused Guy Really Into His Walkie-Talkie

"Are you there?....Don't say 'Yes,' say '10-4 Negatory.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman On The Horrors Of The Soviet Empire

"You don't know who Curious George is?! That's why growing up in Russia is bad. You've had a deprived childhood."

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

Homeless Guy Who Needs To Update His Material

Beggar: "C'mon, help me out. Be my brother with another mother."
Woman: "Do I really look like a 'brother' to you?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy At Wedding Dissing Ex-Coworker

"He didn't really fit in. He was like a black jelly bean. Technically it's still candy, but it's not sweet, and you don't really want it."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who's Pretty Sure He Likes His Friend

"I have a terrible memory. I remember how I feel about people, but I don't remember why."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Loud Guy Revealing Dubious State Secrets In Thai Restaurant

"No one knows this; it's a military secret. But in New Orleans, they found a dead guy who crashed his car into the levee. That's why they broke. Not Katrina, but some drunk guy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Titian-Haired Girl Sleuth, On Her Next Assignment

"I'm bummed Emily didn't come to lunch with us. I wanted another chance to check for an Adam's apple."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who's A Perpetrator Himself

"I won't sit next to people on the train talking on their cellphone. I'm like, 'I refuse to be victimized by your small talk.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman On Pros And Cons Of Starting Dog-Walking Business

"Walking the dog is okay... it's the pooping I'm concerned about."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guys On Sidewalk, 2 A.M. (Shouldn't They Be Buried In An Underground Box Somewhere?)

Guy 1 (pointing): "This dude is a badass!"
Guy 2 (waving): "Hi! I'm David Blaine!"
Guy 1: "He can levitate!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Drunk Girl In Parking Lot Who Loves Her Friend

"Hey, this is Anna; she rocks! She rocks at sex! We have butt sex!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Guy For Whom It's Not A Choice

"When I was in the fourth grade my girlfriend caught me looking up the word 'penis' in the dictionary. That was probably a good indicator that she'd be the only girlfriend I ever had."

OVERHEARD BY MK

British Kid (Imagine The Accent) Belittling Mummy On Vail's Free Shuttle

"I asked you FIFTY times to help me with my mittens and all you said was SHUT UP and GO AWAY!"

OVERHEARD BY JORDAN

Woman At 1906 Earthquake Centennial, On Gaps In The Scheduled Program

"Is this the moment of silence, or did they just run out of people to speak?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl Who's Confused In More Ways Than One

"I met the cutest lesbian couple. They were like two really hot guys with boobs."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Starving Ballet Student (Are There Any Other Kind?) On MUNI

"God, I'm totally hungry. I'm hungrier than a homeless man."

OVERHEARD BY DESDEMONA

Noe Valley Women With Baby, Or, When Theatre People Procreate

Girl 1: "Look, Trevor's getting sleepy. He's rubbing his eyes so hard he looks like he's going to poke them out."
Girl 2: "Okay, come on, Oedipus, let's get you home!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Stingy LA Guy In SF Bar

Guy 1: "I'll buy, since you're in town visiting. And then next time I'm down in L.A. --"
Guy 2: "I won't answer the phone."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Captain Literal, Disguised As A Mild-Mannered Server In Florida

Cook: "When a customer orders red meat, you must ask how they would like it cooked!!"
Server: "But once it's past medium well, it's not red anymore."

OVERHEARD BY MICHAEL

Perfectly Normal-Looking Girl, In Broad Daylight, In The Middle Of Campus

"You know, it just occurred to me that I could be arrested for murder!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Woman Sampling Too Many Smelly Bath Products

"I smell like a hippie!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Who Could Probably Get A Grant For That

"I'm a gay black man trapped in a heterosexual white man's body. Mmm-hmm."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl Walking Lands End Trail

"There's this guy at work named Dennis. They call him Uncle Dennis 'cause he's really pervy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guys In SF Restaurant, And The Problem With Hippies

Guy 1: "There's this girl at work named 'Yes'...."
Guy 2: "Is her nickname 'Yeah'?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

That's Like Forty-Nine For A Human

Girl 1: "I really hate him. He's such a bastard. But I still give him an 11 in bed."
Girl 2: "Hell, you haven't had good sex in so long, if a dog came up and humped your leg, you would give it a 7!"

OVERHEARD BY CHERYLANN

Wisdom Imparted From One Young Man To Another

"That's when I learned, son... never lie to niggahs, son, lie to bitches."

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

Starbucks New-Hire Missing The Point And Making A Funny, All At The Same Time

Manager: "The customer always comes first. Always."
Employee: "Oh, the customer came three times."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Obviously Drunk Girl To Obviously Whipped Boyfriend

"Fuck you and everything you stand for! .... No, I am not drunk."

OVERHEARD BY BLUE CANARY

Man Talking To Super-Talented Woman

"How can someone lose a CRACK PIPE AND A TYPEWRITER AT THE SAME TIME!!!"

OVERHEARD BY EMY

So-Not-Alternative Guys In Barnes & Noble

Guy 1: "I'm gonna get a Prince Albert."
Guy 2: "Is that where you pierce your penis?"
Guy 1: "Or maybe a tattoo."
Guy 2: "You should get a tattoo of Prince Albert."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy On MUNI Who Has Too Much Time On His...Um, Yeah

"Pepto Bismol makes my poo turn black."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Who Doesn't Know Tea Tree Oil Contains Crack

"My massage therapist? I think she uses like Reiki or something that makes people become addicted to her."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Father Yelling At Child

“To be any stupider, you’d have to be bigger!”

OVERHEARD BY PETER

Happy St. Pat's Day From Guy In Old Navy

Guy: (Reading a T-shirt) "'Kiss me, I'm Irish'. I don't get it."

OVERHEARD BY AMERICAN GEISHA

Not Very Good Waiter

Chef: "Eighty-six the quiche."
Waiter: "We have quiche?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Must've Been A Marketing Meeting

Girl: "Who all's going to be in the presentation on Monday?"
Guy: "Pretty much everyone, from the single-cell organisms to the carnivores."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Soon To Be Ex-Computer Programmers

Girl: “Yeah, I’m just at an age where I’m totally reassessing if this is what I really want to do.”
Guy: “Don’t worry. I know lots of people who are totally doing a ‘Control-Alt-Delete’ with their life.”

OVERHEARD BY CAMERON

Overheard At An AA Meeting In San Diego

"That's not my motis apparatus."

OVERHEARD BY THOM

Kid In Mission Insulting...Someone

"My dad's cousin's mom's boyfriend sucks."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Easy-To-Comply-With Woman At Eureka Valley Library

"You're going to have to move. Your sleeve is affecting my heart rate."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Holding Business Meeting Over Bus Stop Pay Phone

"Well, you've been seen in eight countries and you're really big in Miami, so I think we can definitely market that."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Cab Driver's Advice

"Older women? They know what to do with the sex."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy At Noe Valley Party, On Dude We've All Met Before

“I liked almost everyone, except Carl. He’s like a black hole in the shape of a human being.”

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy To Cat-Allergic House Guest

Guy 1: “You doing okay?”
Guy 2: “Yeah. Except for the breathing.”

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl Who's Not Into That Whole 'Pop Culture' Thing

Girl 1: "What's that big yellow square thing?"
Girl 2: "That's SpongeBob SquarePants."
Girl 1: "Sponge? I thought he was cheese."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

Guy On Computer That Isn't Working

"It's got cool functionality. I just can't get it to function."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

Two Friends Discussing Horniness For Women

Girl: "I wish random sluts would just fall out of the sky."
Guy: "I'm trying to pick some up online, but it's not working out too well. Most sluts hang out at bars, not on their computers."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

Why, Yes, There Was Drinking Involved

Girl 1: "Take me to my car!"
Girl 2: "You are in your car."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

Guy Proving Zero Minus Zero Equals Zero

"It's worse than nothing. It's nothing at all!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy From Last Post Explaining Himself

"I'm sorry. I've been at Hooters too long."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy On MUNI Empathizing With Friend

"Take a damn laxative and blow yourself loose!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who Should Get A New Roommate If He Makes It Past Tuesday

"My roommate's really bad about giving me messages. He's like, 'Oh, your doctor called three days ago. He said you only have four days to live.'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Discovering Quirk In Physics Among LA Restaurants

"Toast is the new Griddle, but the Griddle is still the Griddle."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Man Who Disagrees With Just About Everyone

"That 'Two and a Half Men' show is hilarious! Charlie Sheen is a great sitcom actor. He's got perfect comic timing."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Special Valentine's Edition: Overheard On Christmas

Drunk Woman In Norfolk VA: "I hate Christmas! I'm ugly! Somebody buy me a drink!"

OVERHEARD BY MIKE THE KNIFE

Girl To Whom The Only Response Is "With Your Goddamn Tiara"

"Where's your fucking boa?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Cell Phone-Talking Company Owner Who Just Doesn't Get It

"I'll start being nice when morale improves around there. Until then, the beatings will continue."

OVERHEARD BY SCOTT

Americans And Brits Coming Together

Girl: "People with accents are more interesting."
Guy: "Yeah, Amercians think that. But people in England are..."
Girl" "Mean?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Same Guy, Half An Hour Later, Still Impressed By Swiss Food Products

"Who knew there were so many different ways to eat cheese?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Who Just Got Back From Switzerland

"It was nothing but cheese and chocolates."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Old Lady Obviously Glad To Be Dropping Her Friend Off

Old Lady 1: "Got everything?"
Old Lady 2: "Yep. Got all my hopes and all my fears."
Old Lady 1: "Well, that's everything."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Curses, This Dude's Plans Are Foiled Again

Dude: "Lemme ask you: what's your actual instinct on this? You see someone walking down the street, minding his own business, just happens to be burning a stick of incense. Do you think he's trying to cover something up?"
Man: "Yeah."
Dude: "Damn."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy In Cala, On The Already Ridiculous

Guy: "Did you know Mariah Carey has more #1 songs than Elvis and the Beatles?"
Girl: "Combined?"
Guy: "...That'd be ridiculous."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Must've Been A Philosophy Class

Professor: "So just don't ask stupid questions.... But there are no stupid questions in this class."

OVERHEARD BY LISA

Guy At Farmer's Market Still Waiting For The Punchline

Guy: "If it gets any colder out here, I could qualify for the Olympic Ski Team. Or the Polar Bear Club."
Girl: "I'm a member of the Polar Bear Club."
Guy: "Heh heh."
Girl: "I really am."
Guy: "Heh heh."
Girl: "Really. I am."
Guy: "Heh heh."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Man In Restaurant Eating (I Hope It Was) Tuna

"If I had to become a cannibal, I'd start with the cheek."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Post-Dot-Com-Bubble College Kids On MUNI

Girl: "If you work at Genentech, they're so hooked up: they have a bus that picks you up at BART."
Guy: "Do they have stock options?"
Girl: "...They have parties every Friday."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Eating French Fries Cooked In Peanut Oil

"I feel sorry for people with peanut allergies, because a life without peanut products is a life I wouldn't care to live."

OVERHEARD BY JEFF

Guy Watching Six High School Girls Dancing In Unison

Guy: "What are you guys?"
Girl: "We're just friends who dance really well."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Refreshingly Honest Girl

Girl 1: "Those are really cute pants."
Girl 2: "Yeah, the problem is that when I bend over, my stomach pops over the waistline."
Girl 1: "Is it because they're low-rise?"
Girl 2: "No, it's because I'm fat."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl With Eye Patch, Doing A Little Reassessing

"I need a hook hand or something piratey so I don't just look like a girl in a weird outfit who poked her eye out last week."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Waiting For Bus In Castro, Watching Jogger Jiggling By

"God, I love Spandex. So vulgar yet so necessary."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Friendly Guy In North Beach To Foreign Tourist

"Don't trust us Westerners. We'll cavort with your women."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy In Bar Channeling L. Ron Hubbard

"The first seven years of life are a reaction. Everything else is a reaction to a reaction to a reaction."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Self-Aware Blonde In Univ. Of Chicago Library At 1 AM

"Usually, the best estimate for me is when I can't feel my teeth anymore."

OVERHEARD BY ASHLEY

Girl Having Difficulty With Car Door, To Guy Also In Car

Girl: "I have a college degree, I swear."
Guy: "You obviously didn't major in Door."

OVERHEARD BY AMY

Gangsta English Lit Majors

Guy 1: "I hate short chapters. It's a fucking cop out."
Guy 2: "Anna Karenina is written in short chapters."
Guy 1: "Fuck Tolstoy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy In Bar Who's Never Watched CSI

"That guy's got no style. That's the worst crime I can think of."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Smooth-Talking Rich Guy To Berkeley Woman Holding Fistful Of Cash

"Bitch, I ain't broke, I got property!"

OVERHEARD BY CAROLINE

Couple Demonstrating Why Generation X Hasn't Taken Over The World

Guy: "You know what would be a bad job?"
Girl: "Mmm, most of them?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Customer In LA Restaurant (Insert Your Own Joke About The Population Of China)

"I don't want any white rice. It makes me horny."

OVERHEARD BY POLLY

Dumb Guy Impressed By Anyone Smarter Than Him

Guy: "Man, I'm gonna take that dude to Vegas and we're gonna work out a system and we're gonna make a million bucks!"
Girl" "He's only ten!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Pretty Funny Considering It Was An 87-Year-Old Grandmother

"I want to know who took a bite out of that Apple. Was it Bill Gates?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Woman Convincing Friend To Go To China

"We can eat rice and whatever doesn't look like a monkey head."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Women Petting Dog, Commenting On Its Fur

Aunt: "It almost feels like human hair!"
Cousin: "I know! How did they get it on the dog?"

OVERHEARD BY CHERYL

Motto For The New Year (If You're A Troubled Teen From The Wrong Side Of The Tracks)

"This is how we roll in the o-six."

OVERHEARD BY TIM