'Oh My God, Can't You Even, Like, Read?'

Girl 1: "So did you go to Pennsylvania yourself or did someone else go and bring you back the shirt?"
Girl 2: (Looks at her shirt) "You mean did I go to Philadelphia?"

OVERHEARD BY DANIELLE

Old Guy Walking Past Tattoo Parlor

"Got anything you wanna spruce up?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Wrong Woman Asks Wrong Woman About Wrong Woman

Woman 1: "I can't believe that Mary Matalin is going to marry James Carville."
Woman 2: "You mean Marlee Matlin, the actress that's deaf?"
Woman 1: "No Mary Matalin, the Repulican Campaign manager. (To Woman 3) Hey, do you know who Mary Matalin is?"
Woman 3: "You mean Jesus' mother?"

OVERHEARD BY KIM

Maybe That's WHY She Wanted A Small

Petite Customer: "Can I have a small in this dress?"
Girl 1 At Counter: "Sure."
Girl 2 At Counter: "Give her a large, she's got a bit of bust."

OVERHEARD BY ANN

It's Good To Have Goals

A Kid's First Time To Sleep Outdoors, In A Little Playhouse In The Backyard:
Grannie: "You can come inside if you get scared."
Kid: "No, I'm gonna stay out here until I feel completely unsafe."

OVERHEARD BY JENNIFER

We Blame She's Teacher

Girl: "I've failed all of my English quizzes until now. It's not mine fault, though."

OVERHEARD BY ANNA

Bad Sales Job At Blockbusters

Mother: "I want a feel-good movie."
Son: "I think this horror movie ends happy."

OVERHEARD BY PSYGUY

Customer In Restaurant, Sweet-Talking About His Wife

"She's mad because I took her napkin. I took her virginity twenty years ago, and she's worried about her napkin...."

OVERHEARD BY MELISSA

Wannabe Pick-Up Artists In SF Cafe

Guy 1: "You should gain a lot of weight."
Guy 2: "Why?"
Guy 1: "So people will stop thinking you're gay."

OVERHEARD BY MK

'No, That's DAFT'

Woman Doing Crossword Puzzle: “What does DEA stand for again? Drugs, Alcohol and Firearms?”

OVERHEARD BY TIM

How To Win Friends And Lose Spouses

Guy 1: "How's your wife?"
Guy 2: "Not as good as yours, but she'll do."

OVERHEARD BY SHIPBOB

'Pot? Do They Mean Kettle?'

Girl Reading: "'Ignorant'.... (looks to teacher) Do they mean 'stupid'?"

OVERHEARD BY EVA

Jesus Is The Reason For The Operation

Lady In A Catholic Church: "I swear, when I get my tummy tuck, I'm getting fat injections in my knees. All this fricking kneeling is KILLING me!"

OVERHEARD BY ALICIA

At The Apple Store

Girl: "My friend's getting my old laptop. It's a Dell."
Sales Guy: "That's not a gift! That's a cross to bear!"

OVERHEARD BY LIZZ

Wonder If This Conversation Was Repeated Two Hundred Times?

Husband: "This is so cool! I wonder how much it is?"
Wife: "Honey, you're in the Dollar Store."

OVERHEARD BY TRISH

Girls In Need Of Remedial Geography

Girl 1: "Do people live in South America?"
Girl 2: "Duh, that's where Spain is."

OVERHEARD BY KRISTEN

Old Folks Say The Darndedest Things, Or, Send This To Penthouse, Stat!

Old Guy: "I am stiff all over."
His Wife: "Then shouldn't we get back upstairs to the bedroom? Quickly."

OVERHEARD BY LADY MACLEOD

Kids Say The Darndedest Things, Or, Send This To That Family Circus Guy, Stat!

Father: "What flavor ice cream do you want?"
Son: "Do they have blue?"

OVERHEARD BY PSYGUY

'In Your Face, Baby Human'

Girl: "So do you think that crawfish are just baby lobsters?"
Boy: "What? No. They have two different names."
Girl: "Well, tadpoles are baby frogs…how do you explain that!"

OVERHEARD BY ADRIENE

'No Hablo Pizza'

Old Man Ordering Food At Italian Restaurant:
Man: "I'll have the spaghetti Mariana."
Waitress: "Do you mean Mar-IN-ara?"
Man: "Yeah, that. I dont speak Italian."

OVERHEARD BY ANDREA

Two Men Outside A Waterside Pub, Watching Blind People Board A Boat For A Sight-Seeing Trip

Man 1: "Odd, isn't it? Blind people on a sightseeing trip."
Man 2: " Not really. There's bugger-all to see."

OVERHEARD BY OLD BOLINGBROKE

Tactful Waiter (In Singapore) Dissuading Woman From Breast-Feeding In Public

"I'm sorry ma'am, there's no outside food allowed."

OVERHEARD BY J LIM

No Sympathy For The Middle-Aged And Unattached

Woman 1: "I'm going to die, alone, in this house."
Woman 2: "Upstairs or downstairs?"

OVERHEARD BY MARY

'And That Tall Animal With The Really Long Neck Is A Squirrel'

Overheard in the bathroom at the zoo:
Daughter: "Mommy, who is George Washington?"
Mommy: "Umm, he was like the 24th president or something."

OVERHEARD BY ERIN

'You Can't Miss It. It's, You Know, Big And...Well, You Know'

Guy: "Did you see a big white van anywhere? We parked it 3 hours ago, got drunk, and now we can't find it."

OVERHEARD BY EVAN

95-Year-Old On Her New Pacemaker

Doctor: "Now the batteries are only good for six years...."
Woman: "Six years! I'll be 101! I'll be dead by then; you can have the batteries back!"

OVERHEARD BY SARAH

Two Guys Walking Past Church In Outer Richmond

Guy 1: "That's a big fucking church."
Guy 2: "God's a big fucking guy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Co-Workers Discussing Sibling Rivalry After The Birth Of A New Baby

Woman: "How's the dog?"
Man: "He's okay. But his head's hanging a little lower."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Overheard Near Crocker Galleria (But Coulda Been Anywhere Downtown, Really)

"Man, there's DNA all over the streets!"

OVERHEARD BY JESSICA

Guy On MUNI Who Trusts No One

"You can't trust a white woman over 25. Even if they're white Asians. Or white Hispanics."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Then What Did She Mean?

Woman On Cellphone: "Could you let me talk to Nick? I don't call his phone directly because he's too hot; he's too hot; he's too hot. No, I don't mean hot as in good-looking; I mean he's too hot!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Good Guess From Only-Moderately-Informed Guy

Guy: "Steve Martin got married."
Girl: "Really? To who?"
Guy: "I don't know. His girlfriend, I guess."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Working In Old Navy Marketing Department (And Let's Hope He Was Talking About Pants)

"I really have a hard time with girl's bottoms."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Troubles In A Pub

Customer: "I'd like ice in my Coke, please."
Barman: "Sorry, we're out of ice."
Customer: "Bloody global warming."

OVERHEARD BY OB

Woman Exiting Theater (And Entering Rehab)

"It's hard to concentrate on a play when you're loaded on wine."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Little Girl At A Water Park, To The Woman (Presumably Her Mom) Trying To Get Her To Leave

Little Girl: "You're a crazy lady! I hope you never have kids!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Married Couple At Costco, Debating Pros And Cons Of Conspicuous Consumption

He: "They've got a nice bucket."
She: "But we already have a bucket."

OVERHEARD BY SUSAN

Bum On F-Market Streetcar

"I don't steal and I don't drink. I don't steal and I don't drink. I don't steal and I don't drink... (getting off the car) I'M A FUCKING LIAR!"

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

Woman In British Pub, Searching Through Her Purse

"I've lost that two pound coin -- and it was a new one too."

OVERHEARD BY OB

Sweet Talk In Peet's, Heard Last Valentine's Day

"Your reptilian brain wants to keep you alive, you know?"

OVERHEARD BY RAYANNE

We're Going To Subway, Baby! It's Money!

Woman: "Sorry, the kids are crazy today. My husband's taking the day off, and they're just acting nuts."
Sandwich Artist: "Well, I always say: what happens in Subway stays in Subway."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Hippie Mom To Daughter Checking Out The Money At The Bottom Of A Fountain

"Honey, leave other people's wishes be!"

OVERHEARD BY KC

Guy On Illegal Fireworks Causing Fires Throughout The City

"For me, very good! USA, man!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Unclear On The Concept

Guy: "What's the soup of the day?"
Server: "Seafood chowder."
Guy: "Does that have fish in it?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Owner Of Haight Street Bookstore

"We don't allow cell phones here. We have this policy because cell phones make people's heads explode. And then the police would close us down as a crime scene."

OVERHEARD BY "AND THEN HOW WOULD WE BE ABLE TO AFFORD THE WEED?"