Man (Possibly Stephen Colbert) On Bus

"I don't read books. They put too many ideas into my head."

OVERHEARD BY ANDY

Mother And Son Leaving Store On Xmas Eve

Mother: “Now we’re going home to take a nap.”
Child: “But I’m not tired.”
Mother: “You will be. I have some NyQuil.”

OVERHEARD BY MELISSA

Seven Is The Reason For The Season

Man Leaving Mall, To Wife: "It's not how much you spend on presents; that's not what Christmas is about. It's about how many you give."

OVERHEARD BY GILLIAN

Merry Christmas From Uncle Scrooge

Wife, In Wal-Mart: "Now all we need to buy is her big gift."
Husband To Wife: "Are you kidding? That was $30 -- that is her big gift!"

OVERHEARD BY HEATHER

Best Compliment A Guy Could Receive On His Newly Grown Beard

Straight Friend: "What do you think?"
Gay Friend: "I like it.... Stay out of the Castro."

OVERHEARD BY JEFF

Overheard In The Navy!

Sailor: "Sir, are we going to Singapore on the way back from deployment?"
Officer: "I believe that's the plan, but it's not final yet."
Sailor: "I hope we do. I've always wanted to go to Saudi Arabia."

OVERHEARD BY MARGOT

Guy Who's Going Into It With The Right Attitude

"Yeah, Ed said he wants children someday -- a pack of feral children dressed in loincloths to protect him during the Apocalypse."

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

Overheard At Yale University, On The Way Back From The Library

"Whoa. From this angle, it looked like you were picking your nose through the hole in my hat."

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

'So....Grace?'

Cellphone Lady: "Oh, we're like Will and Grace...only without the gay."

OVERHEARD BY SHANNIE

Time (Or Mentally) Challenged Clerks At Grocery Store

Clerk 1: "I heard it's your birthday tomorrow; how old are you going to be?"
Clerk 2: "24."
Clerk 1: "You're almost half a century old!"

OVERHEARD BY DAN

Several Girls Crowded Around Looking At Pictures On A Cellphone

"Okay, your ovaries are falling out of your body."

OVERHEARD BY MIKE

'Usually, Waking Up Is A Contraindication'

Guy In Bar: "He just went to sleep and then he woke up dead."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Two Guys Leaving Mission District Bar

Guy 1: "I could tell your friends weren't from San Francisco."
Guy 2: "How?"
Guy 1: "They were genuine."

OVERHEARD BY JEFF

Three-Year-Old Secure With Her Place In (The Center Of) The World

Woman: "Do you know who you are?"
Three-Year-Old: "I'm sissy's boss!"

OVERHEARD BY GUERITA331

Overheard Outside A Church

Guy 1: "What are Episcopalians?"
Guy 2: "I don't know, but they must be atheist. The sign says 'all are welcome'."

OVERHEARD BY STEVE

Couple Leaving 'No Country For Old Men'

Old Lady: "Do you know why it ended that way? Because it got four popcorns. Movies that get four popcorns always end like that."
Old Man: "You mean artsy?"
Old Lady: "Yeah, too artsy for me."

OVERHEARD BY MARIANNA

'I Hear Lots Of Boats Get Lost There'

In a first-year medical school anatomy class:
Professor: "This section will be really easy. You'll feel like you're on vacation."
Student: (whispering) "None of my vacations start with the anal triangle!"

OVERHEARD BY WALT

Overheard At Dry Cleaner's

Woman: "I need to speak to the owner, Orville."
Clerk: "Do you mean Wilbur?"

OVERHEARD BY JOEL

Woman At Airport Security With Appropriate Level Of Self-Esteem

"He asked me if I was worried about him coming in on me while I was changing, and I told him that would be his nightmare, not mine."

OVERHEARD BY BFD

Must Work In Advertising

Businessman To Two Other Businessmen: "All you have to do is treat me like I'm God."

OVERHEARD BY LADY OF THE ICE

Good Thing She Doesn't Drive A Hummer

Girl 1: "I wish you wouldn't park in the only guest parking spot. It's not fair to others."
Girl 2: "Well, I only park in that spot when no one else is parked there."

OVERHEARD BY CINDY

Girl On 48 MUNI Bus

“She’s so stupid, if she wasn’t Asian, she’d totally be blonde.”

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Two Mothers With Babies Having Lunch At A Cafe

Mom 1: "Do you suppose the nipple was the inspiration for the bullseye design?"
Mom 2: "I think bulls' eyes were probably the inspiration for the bullseye design."

OVERHEARD BY KERRY

After Only 10 Minutes Of Googling, You'll Know Why This Is Funny

Costume History Professor: (showing a slide of a Roman emperor's statue) "So, how can we tell he's Roman?"
Well-Informed Student:"Because he's Constantine?"

OVERHEARD BY JACQUELINE

No Moms Left Behind

Daughter: "You know, elephants are the only animals that can't jump. I wonder why."
Mother: "OH! I bet it's because they have four legs!"

OVERHEARD BY LAQUITHA

'No, That'd Be Suicide'

Girl: "So...what does weed killer do?"
Sister: "It kills weeds."
Girl: "So, do the weeds just, like, pop out of the ground then?"

OVERHEARD BY STEF

Guy At Party, To Guy Throwing Out Lots Of 'Icebreakers' At Party

“Dude, did you write the questions for Scruples or something?”

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Single, Childless Woman, On Her Niece Having A Baby

"I've been lapped, procreatively speaking."

OVERHEARD BY MARTHA

Mother And Daughter At Gym In Manchester, England

Mum: "Hey, they do yoga here."
Daughter: "What's yoga? Is it like aerobics?"
Mum: "No, it makes you more flexible and toned."
Daughter: "Can you lose weight?"
Mum: "No, love, stop fuckin' eatin'; maybe then you'll lose weight."

OVERHEARD BY JAYNA

Cell Phone Guy On 48 Bus, Seducing A Lover, Perhaps?

"Look, I don't fucking care what you do with it. Rub it all over your chest if that's what you're feeling up to."

OVERHEARD BY MARIANA

A David Mamet Play Comes To Life

Three well-dressed middle-aged guys are in a restaurant:
Guy 1: "You're a dickless wonder, you know that?"
Waitress: "Everyone okay here?"
Guy 2: "Some of us are okay. Some of us have issues."

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

And What's With All That 'Smelling Good' And 'Looking Pretty'? What Are They Trying To Prove?

Guy: "I'm not into sunflowers right now. They're so....slouchy."

OVERHEARD BY HEATHER

Overheard Lines Is On Vacation For A Week

"Back on the 29th. Thanks for reading, and we'll see you then!"

WRITTEN BY TIM

Although, In Oklahoma, It'd Qualify

Customer: "I'm looking for an inspirational book similar to 'Chicken Soup for the Soul'."
Salesperson: "Well, those 'Chicken Soup' books are really popular. You sure you don't want to look at those?"
Customer: "No thank you, I'm buying for my friend and she's a vegetarian."

OVERHEARD BY KATHERINE

Worse Than Yelling 'Fire'

Overheard in a theater while waiting for the play to begin:
Woman 1: "I heard she's coming back to Desperate Housewives this season."
Woman 2: "Who? Britney Spears?"

OVERHEARD BY ANDERS

Man At Computer (Hopefully Not A Government Computer)

"People are exploding and I don't know why. (mutters to himself) That's never a good thing."

OVERHEARD BY TASNICKER

Girl Unclear On The Concept Of 'Funny'

"I asked her where they were eating and she said, 'I don't know, she never told me.' It was funny."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Students Divvying Up Jobs

Student 1: "Okay, so we need someone to do a biographical sketch."
Student 2: (points to another student) "You look like you can draw."

OVERHEARD BY TRAVIS

I Think I Want To Spend The Rest Of My Life Hanging Out In O.B.'s Pub

A middle-aged couple are sitting in the pub, eating breakfast, when the fire alarm goes off. Told it's a false alarm, the man says to the woman:

"Thank God for that. I thought your mother had just come in."

OVERHEARD BY O.B.

Woman Exiting Four-And-A-Half-Hour Meeting

"This morning before the meeting, I didn't know what it was supposed to be about. Now, after the meeting...I don't know what it was supposed to be about."

OVERHEARD BY CLAIRE

This Might Be A Little, You Know...

Girl: "I want a complicated man."
Guy: "I'm complicated."
Girl: "You must not be that complicated if you have to tell me you're complicated."
Guy: "But I'm complicated enough that you didn't know I was complicated."

OVERHEARD BY PSYGUY

Life Is A Joke (Especially In The Pubs O.B. Hangs Out In)

A man with a backpack walks into the pub. They chat to a regular at the bar:
Regular: "Are you OK? I noticed you were limping when you came in."
Backpacker: "My leg does ache a bit."
Regular: "Perhaps I can help. I'm a physiotherapist."
Backpacker: "Pity you're not a carpenter. It's a wooden leg."

OVERHEARD BY O.B.

Oklahoman Who's Sensitive To His Vegetarian Guests

"Well, we're about to watch the OU game, and we're going to cook buffalo steaks, and some chicken for people who don't eat meat."

OVERHEARD BY MK

The Problem With Procrastination

Woman 1: "I'm not a dilletante; I'm serendipitous. ...I should embroider that on a pillow."
Woman 2: "Yeah, but you'd only get about halfway done."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Next Week On Journeyman

Mother and Daughter Listen To The Radio For A While. Then:
Daughter: "You know this isn't really happening. This is tomorrow morning's news."
Mom: "Why do you say that?"
Daughter: "Because I turned it to AM."

OVERHEARD BY MISSY

Overheard And Overseen At A Swimming Pool

Four-Year-Old, Yanking Up Her Mother's Bikini Top: "PEEK - A - BOOB!"

OVERHEARD BY ALICIA

'Depends. Are You An Elephant?'

"If you were pregnant in February 2008, would you be due in 2008?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

'Oh My God, Can't You Even, Like, Read?'

Girl 1: "So did you go to Pennsylvania yourself or did someone else go and bring you back the shirt?"
Girl 2: (Looks at her shirt) "You mean did I go to Philadelphia?"

OVERHEARD BY DANIELLE

Old Guy Walking Past Tattoo Parlor

"Got anything you wanna spruce up?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Wrong Woman Asks Wrong Woman About Wrong Woman

Woman 1: "I can't believe that Mary Matalin is going to marry James Carville."
Woman 2: "You mean Marlee Matlin, the actress that's deaf?"
Woman 1: "No Mary Matalin, the Repulican Campaign manager. (To Woman 3) Hey, do you know who Mary Matalin is?"
Woman 3: "You mean Jesus' mother?"

OVERHEARD BY KIM

Maybe That's WHY She Wanted A Small

Petite Customer: "Can I have a small in this dress?"
Girl 1 At Counter: "Sure."
Girl 2 At Counter: "Give her a large, she's got a bit of bust."

OVERHEARD BY ANN

It's Good To Have Goals

A Kid's First Time To Sleep Outdoors, In A Little Playhouse In The Backyard:
Grannie: "You can come inside if you get scared."
Kid: "No, I'm gonna stay out here until I feel completely unsafe."

OVERHEARD BY JENNIFER

We Blame She's Teacher

Girl: "I've failed all of my English quizzes until now. It's not mine fault, though."

OVERHEARD BY ANNA

Bad Sales Job At Blockbusters

Mother: "I want a feel-good movie."
Son: "I think this horror movie ends happy."

OVERHEARD BY PSYGUY

Customer In Restaurant, Sweet-Talking About His Wife

"She's mad because I took her napkin. I took her virginity twenty years ago, and she's worried about her napkin...."

OVERHEARD BY MELISSA

Wannabe Pick-Up Artists In SF Cafe

Guy 1: "You should gain a lot of weight."
Guy 2: "Why?"
Guy 1: "So people will stop thinking you're gay."

OVERHEARD BY MK

'No, That's DAFT'

Woman Doing Crossword Puzzle: “What does DEA stand for again? Drugs, Alcohol and Firearms?”

OVERHEARD BY TIM

How To Win Friends And Lose Spouses

Guy 1: "How's your wife?"
Guy 2: "Not as good as yours, but she'll do."

OVERHEARD BY SHIPBOB

'Pot? Do They Mean Kettle?'

Girl Reading: "'Ignorant'.... (looks to teacher) Do they mean 'stupid'?"

OVERHEARD BY EVA

Jesus Is The Reason For The Operation

Lady In A Catholic Church: "I swear, when I get my tummy tuck, I'm getting fat injections in my knees. All this fricking kneeling is KILLING me!"

OVERHEARD BY ALICIA

At The Apple Store

Girl: "My friend's getting my old laptop. It's a Dell."
Sales Guy: "That's not a gift! That's a cross to bear!"

OVERHEARD BY LIZZ

Wonder If This Conversation Was Repeated Two Hundred Times?

Husband: "This is so cool! I wonder how much it is?"
Wife: "Honey, you're in the Dollar Store."

OVERHEARD BY TRISH

Girls In Need Of Remedial Geography

Girl 1: "Do people live in South America?"
Girl 2: "Duh, that's where Spain is."

OVERHEARD BY KRISTEN

Old Folks Say The Darndedest Things, Or, Send This To Penthouse, Stat!

Old Guy: "I am stiff all over."
His Wife: "Then shouldn't we get back upstairs to the bedroom? Quickly."

OVERHEARD BY LADY MACLEOD

Kids Say The Darndedest Things, Or, Send This To That Family Circus Guy, Stat!

Father: "What flavor ice cream do you want?"
Son: "Do they have blue?"

OVERHEARD BY PSYGUY

'In Your Face, Baby Human'

Girl: "So do you think that crawfish are just baby lobsters?"
Boy: "What? No. They have two different names."
Girl: "Well, tadpoles are baby frogs…how do you explain that!"

OVERHEARD BY ADRIENE

'No Hablo Pizza'

Old Man Ordering Food At Italian Restaurant:
Man: "I'll have the spaghetti Mariana."
Waitress: "Do you mean Mar-IN-ara?"
Man: "Yeah, that. I dont speak Italian."

OVERHEARD BY ANDREA

Two Men Outside A Waterside Pub, Watching Blind People Board A Boat For A Sight-Seeing Trip

Man 1: "Odd, isn't it? Blind people on a sightseeing trip."
Man 2: " Not really. There's bugger-all to see."

OVERHEARD BY OLD BOLINGBROKE

Tactful Waiter (In Singapore) Dissuading Woman From Breast-Feeding In Public

"I'm sorry ma'am, there's no outside food allowed."

OVERHEARD BY J LIM

No Sympathy For The Middle-Aged And Unattached

Woman 1: "I'm going to die, alone, in this house."
Woman 2: "Upstairs or downstairs?"

OVERHEARD BY MARY

'And That Tall Animal With The Really Long Neck Is A Squirrel'

Overheard in the bathroom at the zoo:
Daughter: "Mommy, who is George Washington?"
Mommy: "Umm, he was like the 24th president or something."

OVERHEARD BY ERIN

'You Can't Miss It. It's, You Know, Big And...Well, You Know'

Guy: "Did you see a big white van anywhere? We parked it 3 hours ago, got drunk, and now we can't find it."

OVERHEARD BY EVAN

95-Year-Old On Her New Pacemaker

Doctor: "Now the batteries are only good for six years...."
Woman: "Six years! I'll be 101! I'll be dead by then; you can have the batteries back!"

OVERHEARD BY SARAH

Two Guys Walking Past Church In Outer Richmond

Guy 1: "That's a big fucking church."
Guy 2: "God's a big fucking guy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Co-Workers Discussing Sibling Rivalry After The Birth Of A New Baby

Woman: "How's the dog?"
Man: "He's okay. But his head's hanging a little lower."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Overheard Near Crocker Galleria (But Coulda Been Anywhere Downtown, Really)

"Man, there's DNA all over the streets!"

OVERHEARD BY JESSICA

Guy On MUNI Who Trusts No One

"You can't trust a white woman over 25. Even if they're white Asians. Or white Hispanics."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Then What Did She Mean?

Woman On Cellphone: "Could you let me talk to Nick? I don't call his phone directly because he's too hot; he's too hot; he's too hot. No, I don't mean hot as in good-looking; I mean he's too hot!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Good Guess From Only-Moderately-Informed Guy

Guy: "Steve Martin got married."
Girl: "Really? To who?"
Guy: "I don't know. His girlfriend, I guess."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Working In Old Navy Marketing Department (And Let's Hope He Was Talking About Pants)

"I really have a hard time with girl's bottoms."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Troubles In A Pub

Customer: "I'd like ice in my Coke, please."
Barman: "Sorry, we're out of ice."
Customer: "Bloody global warming."

OVERHEARD BY OB

Woman Exiting Theater (And Entering Rehab)

"It's hard to concentrate on a play when you're loaded on wine."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Little Girl At A Water Park, To The Woman (Presumably Her Mom) Trying To Get Her To Leave

Little Girl: "You're a crazy lady! I hope you never have kids!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Married Couple At Costco, Debating Pros And Cons Of Conspicuous Consumption

He: "They've got a nice bucket."
She: "But we already have a bucket."

OVERHEARD BY SUSAN

Bum On F-Market Streetcar

"I don't steal and I don't drink. I don't steal and I don't drink. I don't steal and I don't drink... (getting off the car) I'M A FUCKING LIAR!"

OVERHEARD BY CARRIE

Woman In British Pub, Searching Through Her Purse

"I've lost that two pound coin -- and it was a new one too."

OVERHEARD BY OB

Sweet Talk In Peet's, Heard Last Valentine's Day

"Your reptilian brain wants to keep you alive, you know?"

OVERHEARD BY RAYANNE

We're Going To Subway, Baby! It's Money!

Woman: "Sorry, the kids are crazy today. My husband's taking the day off, and they're just acting nuts."
Sandwich Artist: "Well, I always say: what happens in Subway stays in Subway."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Hippie Mom To Daughter Checking Out The Money At The Bottom Of A Fountain

"Honey, leave other people's wishes be!"

OVERHEARD BY KC

Guy On Illegal Fireworks Causing Fires Throughout The City

"For me, very good! USA, man!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Unclear On The Concept

Guy: "What's the soup of the day?"
Server: "Seafood chowder."
Guy: "Does that have fish in it?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Owner Of Haight Street Bookstore

"We don't allow cell phones here. We have this policy because cell phones make people's heads explode. And then the police would close us down as a crime scene."

OVERHEARD BY "AND THEN HOW WOULD WE BE ABLE TO AFFORD THE WEED?"

Guy, On New-Agey Woman Going On About 'Creating Your Own Reality'

"Looks like she pictured herself surrounded by the makeup she wanted to achieve."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

At 16th And Mission BART (Dedicated To John Hodgman)

Litle Girl: "Mom, since we're in San Francisco today, are we going to see some real HOBOS today?"
Mom: "Hobos! I was once a hobo!"
Little Girl: "Mom! No you weren't!"
Mom: "Yes I was! I was homeless and lived in Golden Gate park from the age of 14 to 19."
Little Girl: (voice shakes) "No you weren't! You weren't a hobo!"
Mom: "Yes I was, I was a hobo. Don't judge your own kind! Judge and be judged."

OVERHEARD BY SD

Old Guy In Pub

"I knew a Japanese bloke once. He changed his name to Smith. Mind you, he still looked Japanese."

OVERHEARD BY O.B.

Overheard In An Employment Office, Or Perhaps On Vaudeville

Official: "What experience do you have?"
Jobseeker: "I worked for 30 years on a poultry farm, killing chickens."
Official: "Have you done anything else?"
Jobseeker: "I killed turkeys."

OVERHEARD BY O.B.

Meta Post: Your 'Overheard Lines' Host, To Friend, On Why There've Been No Updates Lately

"Goddamn iPods are ruining everything. No one talks any more!"

SAID BY TIM

She Must Be In A Good Union

Loud Girl In Outdoor Bar: "My vagina's not working tonight."

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Alabamians At Breakfast

"They don't serve grits everywhere. We took a tour with our church group and we had to take along our own grits."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Drunk Friends In College Bar District

Girl: "There's the cops. Maybe if we did something they'd give us a ride."
Guy: "Yeah, but it wouldn't be to where we want to go."

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Canadians In Ecuador

4-year-old: "Mommy, that girl speaks English!"
Mother: "Yes, she does."
4-year-old: "But nobody here speaks English. Does she really speak English?"
Mother: "Of course she speaks English! She's white!"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Better-Safe-Than-Sorry Woman In Line For Morning Coffee

"So Frankenstein is still dead, right?"

OVERHEARD BY SARAH

When Insurance Agents Get All 'Snap!'

"Why you looking at me like I'm 'co-pay poor'?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Musta Been Those Two Pepperpots From Monty Python

Old Lady 1: 'Mrs Perkins died the other day.'
Old Lady 2: 'Oh dear. My cat's not very well either.'

OVERHEARD BY OB

Musta Been Those Two Blokes From Slings & Arrows

Guy 1: 'My God, you were bloody drunk last night.'
Guy 2: 'I wasn't in here last night.'
Guy 1: 'Really? It must have been me then.'

OVERHEARD BY OB (AND NOTE THE BRITISH PUNCTUATION IN OB'S HONOUR)

Low Self Esteem In Union Square

""I don't care, treat me like a dog, I'll be happy."

OVERHEARD BY DAN

Some Political Parties Have To Work Harder On Fundraising Than Others

Young Woman Eating A Cookie, To Another Woman On Campus, At Portland State University: "Mmmm, this is great. I got it at the Socialtist Party bake sale. They have a table over there."

OVERHEARD BY ROD

Wannabe Alternachick In The Tenderloin

Friend: "So what kind of music do you listen to?"
Girl: "Oh, I listen to stuff no one's ever heard of!"
Friend: "Hmmm, so where do you buy it?"
Girl: "I buy it from amazon.com."

OVERHEARD BY EMY

Two Music Impresarios

Guy 1: "Now that Paul McCartney's single again, maybe he should marry Yoko."
Guy 2: "Then she can break up Wings, too."

OVERHEARD BY JAMES

Woman And Supportive Friend In Upscale SF Bar

Woman: "I'm a strict vegetarian! I don't eat anything that casts a shadow."
Friend: "So every other year you get to eat a groundhog?"

OVERHEARD BY JEFF

Overheard Lines Is On Hiatus For A Week

"Take the opportunity to write down what the person sitting next to you just said and send it in."

TYPED BY TIM

Old Guy Screaming Into Cellphone

"I SAID I HAVE TO TALK QUIETLY! I'M IN A LIBRARY!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Dude Planning To Vote For Napoleon

Teen 1: "You see where France got a new president?"
Teen 2: "Oh yeah? So they don't have a king anymore, huh?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy On MUNI, Inventing The Freelancer's Manifesto

"I don't do status meetings. If you want me to go to status meetings, you gotta buy me health insurance."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

'I Know I Took One Of Them Home...'

Castro Guy: "Shit, I don't even remember dinner much less the waiter."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman On Airplane After Bonding For Half An Hour, Thinking Twice About Her Level Of Involvement

"Well, if you're ever in Las Vegas.... have fun!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl On Her Great New Guy

"He loves to vacuum. No, wait. Not vacuum. What's that thing you do to your lawn? Mow! He likes to mow."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Trolling For Stalkers At Divisadero And Hayes Bus Stop

Woman: "Larry, are you following me?"
Man: {indistinguishable apologetic mumbling}
Woman: "Well, why not?"

OVERHEARD BY EMILY

Couple Disagreeing On Musical Tastes In A Really Roundabout Way

Girl: "Are we so into this or what?"
Guy: "I'm not sure it has to be a 'we' thing."

OVERHEARD BY MK

On The 7

Guy: "If I wasn't in jail, or high, I was working construction."

OVERHEARD BY JESSICA

The New Ebert And Roeper, Walking Out Of 'Grindhouse'

Guy 1: "I don't get it."
Guy 2: "There's nothing to get. They smashed his face in. What do you not get?"
Guy 1: "What was with the whole....? Yeah, I don't get it."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Berkeley Dude With A Practical Streak

"If they would have let Karen Carpenter stay behind the drum set, she'd still be alive today."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

No Wonder He's Shunned By Society

Guy: "My grandmother told me never to discuss the 3 D's in polite company."
Girl: "Oh, yeah? What are they?"
Guy: "I don't remember...."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Cute Soccer Mom Picking Up Cute Little Girl

"How was taekwondo, honey? Did you learn how to break someone's nose?"

OVERHEARD BY JEFF

Tricky Guy Outside Castro MUNI Station

Guy 1: "Look over there!"
Guy 2: "What?"
Guy 1: "Nothing. I was just trying to shut you up."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Man With A Plan. (Not A Good One, But A Plan.)

"If I were to eat a stick of butter, I'd roll it in salt."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Truth In Advertising

Guy: "You're such a slut."
Girl: "That's what my tattoo says!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Man With Simple Dreams

"I always wanted to be in the little pokey-outy thing on top of a caboose."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy In Suit Talking On Cell

"He made out with a hooker?!? No one makes out with a hooker! What was he thinking?!"

OVERHEARD BY J

Girl In Bar With Ice Cold Shiner Bock And Apparent Alcoholic Tendencies

"Mmmm, it's like a great big glass of happy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

New XM Fans

Girl: "It's weird, when you listen to satellite radio, you realize how many different bands there are. When you listen to regular radio, it seems like there are only about seven bands."
Guy: "And three of them are Coldplay."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Hopefully Not In The Biblical Sense

Cellphone Woman: "Hello? Yeah, I'm at Target. I'm with the shampoos."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Overheard Short Play

Girl: "Well, as I was writing this massive document, I kept thinking about that thing about how you eat an elephant..."
Guy: "How?"
Girl: "One bite at a time."
Guy: "Ahhhh. You know how you bury a giraffe?"
Girl: "No, how?"
Guy: "You cut it up with a chainsaw."
Girl: " ---"
Guy: "I saw pictures from the zoo when they had to cut one up."
Girl: "They took pictures!?!?"
Guy: "Yeah, I'm not sure why."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Self-Aware Homeless Dude Near Main Library

"Do I smell bad? I do. I smell kinda...rotten."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

They Are, As A Matter Of Fact

Girl At Brunch: "Are your parents from...anywhere?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy To Other Guy Playing Air Drums At A Bar

"There's probably a good market for air drumming. All those air guitarists need someone to accompany them."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl Who Wants It All

Guy: "What do you wanna do when you come to Miami?"
Girl" "I want the whole experience. I want the Vice and the Sound Machine."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Low Willpower Guy

Man: "I'm trying to lose weight, so I've been walking at the mall."
Woman: "How's it going?"
Man: "So far I got four shirts and a pair of shoes.

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Disheveled Guy In Coffee Shop

"...I woke up wearing Lena's bathrobe and I knew something must have happened."

OVERHEARD BY SARAH

Horrified Hipster To Her Walking Partner

"Did you make eye contact with a man pissing in an alley?!"

OVERHEARD BY SARAH

The Answer Is Yes

Girl In Sleeping Bag Outside Music Club, To Stranger Walking By: "Yeah, okay, we're waiting for a Hanson concert. Wanna make fun of us now?"

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

Glass-Half-Full Girl With Not-Going-To-Grad-School Guy

Guy: "I got a letter from the grad school I applied to. I haven't opened it. But it's real thin."
Girl: "Maybe it just says, 'Dear Sir, You're in.'"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

If These Guys Are The Best He Can Do, Maybe There Is No God

Kid 1: "If there is a God, I bet she's a woman."
Kid 2: "Why?"
Kid 1: "Well, doesn't it just seem like it would make more sense, rationally?"
Kid 2: "No. God's probably not a man or a woman. He's probably another species. Or an entity."
Kid 1: "Well, I'm just saying, if God had a gender, I bet she would be a girl."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girls In SF Gym

Exercising Girl 1: "You already told me that--like yesterday."
Exercising Girl 2: "Oh, yeah. Sorry, my repertoire isn't that big. I'm not like one of those shows like Friends where they think of funny things to say every episode."

OVERHEARD BY KIRK

Guy On MUNI Who's What, Then, A Psychic?

Guy 1: "So you're saying the moon is going to shrink to the size of a ping pong ball?"
Guy 2: "Yeah, but I'm not a scientist, so I can't tell you how it's going to happen."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Thinking Of...Someone

Guy 1: "St. Nicholas. Isn't he the evil one?"
Guy 2: "No, St. Nick is Santa Claus."
Guy 1: "Oh, I must be thinking of John the Baptist."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Olfactorily Gifted Girl On MUNI

"I don't like her. She smells like the bottom of someone's purse."

OVERHEARD BY MK

13-Year-Old Harry Potter Look-Alike, To Ron Weasley Look-Alike

Kid 1: "It was weird. It was a picture of two gay guys having sex."
Kid 2: "You've lived in San Francisco for thirteen years. You should be used to that."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Special Valentine's Message From A Savvy Server

"Valentine's Day lunch is for people who are having affairs. I've worked every Valentine's Day: the nights are all couples, but the days are all people who say they're coworkers but then grab each other's legs under the table."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Middle-Aged Cell Phone Guy (And Pimp) In Coffee Shop

"David dreamed we were all at the beach and you asked me to sleep with you, and I thought about it and asked everyone's advice and decided that I probably shouldn't . . . Oh, you think if you asked me in real life I'd say no? . . . Okay, well how about I call your bluff and say yes, I will sleep with you . . . When should we meet?"

OVERHEARD BY KATIE

Guy On The Problem With '24'

"The old Jack would've killed him. The old Jack would've killed him and then shot his dad for looking at him that way. The new Jack's a pussy."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girls In Next Dressing Room

(And it's because babies don't have boobs):

"My boobs don't fit in the baby-doll part."


Same girls, different shirt (and again with the boobs):

Girl 1: "I don't know about this shirt."
Girl 2: "Yeah, it's like your boobs are up touching your chin."


OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl On Haight, After Silently Mulling Something For A Long Time, Turns To Her Guy Friend

"Wait, did you just say that sometimes you wish you were a woman?"

OVERHEARD BY GREG

Woman At San Jose Sharks Hockey Game

"Shoot it! SHOOT IT! WILL YOU JUST FUCKING SHOOT IT???!!!!! ...... Thank you. Nice try."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Is She Complaining, Or Bragging About Her Summer Home In Wisconsin?

"We have a lot of cheese at our house. A LOT of cheese."

OVERHEARD BY MK

8-year-Old Hippie Who Clearly Goes To School In San Francisco

"I think we all just need to respect our differences here!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Kids Say The Most Uncomfortable Things

Kid 1: "This was the thing that made your penis hurt."
Kid 2: "That was when I was littler."

(FYI: It was a metal banister they were sliding down.)

OVERHEARD BY DIANA

Country Singer, To The Three People In The Bar Actually Paying Attention

"Thanks for the pulse-having, song-asking and tip-giving."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy At Airport, Re: Insane Child Running Around And Acting Up

"I'm gonna go hug that kid. Maybe then his mom will start keeping an eye on him."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Lawyers Reminiscing

"Do you remember that one case with the girl who had the botched breast reduction? She said they grew back."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Malapropism Of The Day

"I used a little reverse psychosis on him."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Girl Who Did Not Have A Holly, Jolly Christmas

Guy: "How were your holidays?"
Girl: "They were good. They were weird, but they were fine. And now they're over."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Said In Hell's Kitchen By Young (Read 'Pretentious') Aspiring Actress

"I realized I was treating our relationship the same way I treated my performance in a show..."

OVERHEARD BY ISAAC

How Nicknames Are Bestowed

Guy: "Who's he? Is that Surly Chef?"
Girl: "Nah, there's already a Surly Chef. He can be Dickish Chef."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

A Civilized And Philosophical Break Up

Girl: "If I get fat, it's your fault for breaking up with me."
Guy: "So if you get depressed and can't eat and get skinny, do I get credit?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Unbelievable, Indeed

Guy 1: "Can you believe my dad got my mom a Porsche for Christmas?"
Guy 2: "That's unbelievable. I thought you were Jewish."

OVERHEARD BY JEFF

MUNI's "Officer Malaprop" Working The 38 Geary Bus

"You're not from around here, are you? People around here are more laxative."

OVERHEARD BY DAWN

Woman Drinking Rum Daquiri, Or Perhaps Bain De Soleil

"That totally tastes like suntan lotion to me. But in a good way."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

It Isn't Just Great Minds That Think Alike

"We're on the same page, but it's in the trash can."

OVERHEARD BY MK