'The Classic Conundrum: Which Came First, The TV Or The Air Hockey Table?'

Guy: "And that's when the puck hit the TV."
Girl: "They shouldn't have put the TV so close to the air hockey table."
Guy: "The TV was already there."
Girl: "In that case, they shouldn't have put the air hockey table so close to the TV."
Guy: "The table was already there."
Girl: "..."


OVERHEARD BY LADYOFTHEICE

Guy Covering All The Bases With Prospective Date

“I’m not religious--I’m spiritual. I guess I’m a Christian, but Jesus wasn’t one.”

OVERHEARD BY ROD

'And This Will Probably Be True For The Next Few Christmases'

Customer: "What are you doing this Christmas?"
Clerk: "Well, it's been five years and Dad's still dead so.....you know."

OVERHEARD BY KERRI

Overheard Lines Is Closed For The Holidays; Back On Dec 29

"Don't be one of those people who says, 'Oh, man, I heard something great at my cousin's cookie swap; I wish I'd written it down.' Stop your holiday enjoyment and scribble down your overheard lines -- then submit when you're back on company time! A holiday message from your OL host. Have a good one!"

SAID BY TIM

Comedy Aficionado At Target

"How are communist leader Russian nesting dolls not funny?"

OVERHEARD BY EM

Overheard While Waiting For A Bus

Girl: "I have to learn how to play poker so I can get a poker face."

OVERHEARD BY SARA

Teens In 'Issues In Society' Class With Issues Of Their Own

Teen 1: "What's that thing when you're sitting behind blinds at a pond, and you shoot ducks, and the dog goes to get them?"
Teen 2: "Um, duck hunting?"
Teen 1: "No, that's not it..."

OVERHEARD BY KIERSTIN

The Castro, It Is A-Changin'

Guy: "This used to be all gay stuff, but now it’s just all yuppie stuff..."

OVERHEARD BY MK

'Sounds Like She's A Carrie'

Guy 1: "Hey, thanks for playing wingman the other night. Too bad she had so many issues."
Guy 2: "Yeah, when I heard her mention the ex-boyfriend for the third time, I knew it was trouble. I've seen enough Sex in the City to know where that road leads."

OVERHEARD BY JEFF

Overheard In The Dressing Room

Girl 1: "That would make a good homecoming dress."
Girl 2: "I don't know, it looks like a pregnant girl dress."
Girl 1: "Well, if you wear it right, it could be both!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman Explaining Why Her Daughter's Girl Scout Troupe Sucks

"No snacks, no crafts, just a bitch lecturing first graders."

OVERHEARD BY MK

'I Always Thought Confident Girls Were Whores'

Girl: "They haven't done it yet! I think she's frigid."
Friend: "Really? She seems well-confident to me."
Girl: "Oh, you can be well-confident and frigid."
Friend: "Oh...I didn't know that."

OVERHEARD BY PATRICIA

'Problem Is, Geeks Would Find An Alternate Use'

Woman: "I love my iPhone. The only thing that's missing is a hole for me to stick my tongue in and make out with it."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman Who Will Soon Be Moving To Another Town

Daughter: "I think writing checks is complicated. You write one, and then you have two days to make sure you have the money to cover it. It's a pain in the ass!"
Mom: "That's not how checks are supposed to work."
Daughter: "But on the other hand, if it bounces, you can still keep the stuff. Just don't go back to that store."
Mom: "Umm...yeah, that's not how checks work...."

OVERHEARD BY ERINMARIE

Master Of Seduction In A UK Pub

Bloke: 'I'm going to go home now, jump on my old woman and give her one.'
Mate: 'I hope she'll get a bit of foreplay.'
Bloke: 'What? At this time of night?'

OVERHEARD BY O.B.

'Good Name. Bad Names.'

Woman: "Dust and Glitter. That's a great name."
Man: "For what?"
Woman: "It's a store."
Man: "Ah, okay. Good name for a store. Not good for twins."
Woman: "Poor Dust. 'Mom always liked you better, Glitter.'"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Overheard Lines Is Off For Thanksgiving Week

"Back on Monday the 1st. Please take pencil and paper to any holiday events you attend -- and send your overheard lines our way."

SAID BY TIM

'Either One Explains Nicole Ritchie'

Woman: "Sorry, she's autistic."
Man: "Oh...So she doesn't eat?"
Woman: "It's like in her brain.... But no, she doesn't eat."

OVERHEARD BY DEE

Plus Size Girl Who Must Think She Has Video Chat On Her Cellphone

"No, don't say anything, because you know these jeans look good on me."

OVERHEARD BY JERE

Guy Who Knows His Statutes Of Limitations

"Dude! I just turned 21. It's so cool to be drinking with you in a bar. Legally. Not like in New York."

OVERHEARD BY JONATHAN

'Y On N! N On Y!'

Teen Girl: "No on Measure R!"
Teen Boy: "No, we're yes on R!"
Teen Girl: "Ohhh, well Yes on R!"

OVERHEARD BY BEN

8-Year-Old At Obama Victory Party

"Yay, daddy! Now we don't have to move to Canada!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy Explaining Why He Had A Great Time In Bangkok's Discos

"Thai people can't dance, but they sure can bounce and jump."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Overheard On Halloween: Girl Watching 'Jeepers Creepers'

"I find it hard to believe a demon would get vanity plates."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Flirting With/Attacking/Fantasizing With/Harassing Wal-Mart Greeter

Guy: "I wish I had some big ol' titties so I could whack you in the face with 'em."

OVERHEARD BY LADYOFTHEICE

Why You Must Vote On November 4th

Teen: "Her parents won't let her eat at McDonald's. No McDonald's, no Burger King, no Harvey's... No McDonald's! It's so sad. So, so sad."

OVERHEARD BY JENNIFER

Really Really Cheap Little Boy At The Really Really Free Market

Little Boy: (Grabbing used vacuum cleaner and dragging it away) "Okay guys, I got my mom her mother's day present!"

OVERHEARD BY JESSICA

Guy About To Spend Quite A Long Time In Wal-Mart

"I'm hungry for some shrimp...Wait, no...Yeah, but something else."

OVERHEARD BY LADYOFTHEICE

Wise-Beyond-Her-Years Girl

"I'm not doing tequila shots. I'm not a slut on spring break."

OVERHEARD BY KATE

Overheard Outside Target

"I just spent $87 on vitamins. Well, it wasn't ALL vitamins. I also bought a toothbrush."

OVERHEARD BY MK

'I'm Really Into That Whole Watchamacallit Stuff. You Know. That TV Stuff. With The Old Guys. Politics!'

College Girl On Cellphone: "Yeah, I was listening to. Um. That guy. You know..... McCain."

OVERHEARD BY STEPHANIE

'I Think You're Confusing A Blowjob With A Blowjob'

Tween 1: "I've never had alcohol."
Tween 2: "I have."
Tween 1: "That's 'cause you're a slut."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Guy On The F Train In Lower Manhattan

"Yeah it’s the same way I can tell you’re a hipster, I can tell he's anti-Semitic.”

OVERHEARD BY SIOBHAN

Woman With Big Plans For The Weekend

"I was thinking I would drill my tail hole before I paint it."

OVERHEARD BY TASNICKER

'T-Shirts? Slurpees? Or, Er, Um...?'

Overheard in Wal-Mart parking lot:

Woman 1: "You know I like 'em large."
Woman 2: "Yeah, I know."

OVERHEARD BY LADYOFTHEICE

And The Moral Is: Toothless People Like Movies?

A couple rents 24 movies at a rental store and is awarded bonus treats. Teen daughter goes to the ice cream cooler.

Teen: "Mom, do you want the sundae cone or that one with nuts?"
Mom: "I can't have them, I ain't got any teeth!
Teen: ...
Mom: "I'm getting my teeth for my birthday!"
Dad: "I've been waiting 20 years to get my two front teeth back, and here she goes to the dentist today and is getting a whole mouthful for her birthday."

OVERHEARD BY ALI

Two Nurses In A Hospital Elevator, Looking At Pieces Of Paper

"See? I told you there was no difference between night and day."

OVERHEARD BY SMONET

The King Of Wise Decisions

Guy: "I'm thinking of doing heroin, but just once. Do you think that's cool?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Couple Discussing Friend's Vacation Plans

Guy: "Wouldn't it be funny if she was actually selling her baby down in Mexico, and she ended up on 48 Hours Mystery, and we could say we knew her when?"
Girl: "I don't think you understand comedy."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Businessmen Leveraging Their Core Values (i.e. Drinking In A Bar)

Man 1: "I hate the word 'monetize.'"
Man 2: "What does it even mean?"
Man 1: "It means.... Maybe that's why I hate it."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Abbott And Costello Reincarnated And Reading A Textbook In A Café

Kid 1: "This doesn't make any sense."
Kid 2: "What is it?"
Kid 1: "I don't know."
Kid 2: "Then how do you know it doesn't make sense?"
Kid 1: "That's what I'm saying."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Future Politician At High School Football Game

Kid 1: "Hey, you have a dollar?"
Kid 2: "Yeah."
Kid 3: "Can I give you thirty cents for that dollar?"

OVERHEARD BY ANNA

The Problem With Shopping At An Art Fair

Girl: "I want a colorful T-shirt with my views and beliefs on it!"

OVERHEARD BY GAGE

Facetious Guy Watching Sarah Palin Being Cheered By Delegates

"She can't even control the crowd. How can she stand up to Putin?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Man Not Very Good At Flirting

"If you were a turkey, I would definitely pardon you."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

'But Is It Organic?'

Cell Phone Woman: "He wants me to stop doing my pills and smoking crack, but he won't stop smoking weed. He says weed isn't a drug, 'cause it's natural. Well, cocaine is natural, too."

OVERHEARD BY BETH

Clerk At Cala Foods

"You have no idea what it's like to be a black man and be coughed on."

OVERHEARD BY LESLY

Woman Describing What She Saw To A Cop

"I don't think he knew the guy; I think he was just some unanimous guy."

OVERHEARD BY HEATHER

Overheard At Baja Burrito In Nashville

Customer: "What kind of fish is in the fish tacos?"
Worker: "Fried."

OVERHEARD BY JANA

One Pub Regular Chatting To Another

"When you have to go to work, do you phone the pub to say you can't come in?"

OVERHEARD BY O.B.

'Plus I'm Goddamn Classy'

Woman On MUNI: "Then why were you in the penitentiary? I was never in the penitentiary. Because I got motherfucking character."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Six-Year-Old Watching Cat Groom Itself

"He's in love with his butt. He keeps kissing it!"

OVERHEARD BY ALICIA

She Would Make A Bad Vampire

Girl: "Ew! Ew! His veins were in my mouth!"
Guy: "Well, maybe you shouldn't have bit him."

OVERHEARD BY KIMBERLY

Woman Watching CNN News Crawl

"'Thirty-eight dead after being bitten by vampire bats.' ...Hmm. I guess they won't be dead for long."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

'And I Think You'd Find Plenty Of Men Who'd Agree'

Woman: "You have no idea how satisfying it is to drill a really good hole."

OVERHEARD BY TASNICKER

Savvy Dieters In Grocery Store

"Let's get the carrot cake, instead, since it's healthy."

OVERHEARD BY SUSANNAH

'Well, It Is An Election Year'

Cellphone Guy: “Geez, you can tell you’re downtown by all the panhandlers. Are they trying to turn me into a Republican, or what?”

OVERHEARD BY SUSAN

7-Year-Old Boy Watching Extreme Home Makeover TV Show

“I wish we could get a sick baby so I could have a bowling alley in MY house!”

OVERHEARD BY JENNY

Woman (Slightly) Overestimating

"Wow, that's a really large couple. That's like 600 pounds of lovin'."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

NOT Overheard At Chico's

"Maybe this is what strippers wear..."

OVERHEARD BY TASNICKER

Take Your Daughter To Work And Watch Her Leave Day

Daughter: "I'm going over to the library across the street so I can send you a message on facebook."
Mom: "Why don't you just send me a facebook message from the computer that you're sitting at right now?"
Daughter: "I can't send you a message from here. I'm sitting in the room right next to you!"
Mom: "So why don't you just TALK to me?"
Daughter: "Because I want to message you! I'm going to the library."

OVERHEARD BY MELISSA

'And I Can Program It To Wake Me Up For Work. If I Had A Job.'

"You know what's neat about our coffee pot? It could go camping. I mean, if we ever went."

OVERHEARD BY TASNICKER

Starbucks Baristas Are Trained To Be Upbeat And Friendly

Barista: "So what are you doing today?"
Woman: "Going to a funeral."
Barista: "Oh, that should be fun!"

OVERHEARD BY JULIE

Two Blokes Discussing 'Soccer' In A Lincoln, UK, Pub

Bloke 1: "I hear England's new coach is going to bar wives and girlfriends from the hotel before matches."
Bloke 2: "So, they'll be even bigger wankers than they are now."

OVERHEARD BY O.B.

'Mmm, Girl, I See It Right There On Your Hips, Heyyyy"

Woman: "I wonder if I have as much chocolate on me as I think I have."

OVERHEARD BY TASNICKER

Guy On The Brink Of A Realization

"Whenever I go in a room, all you ladies go out."

OVERHEARD BY BONNIE

Why IT Guys Hate Everyone Else In The World

User: "Every time I type something it comes out in all capital letters. Do you have a manual for the keyboard?"
IT Guy: "Have you tried the CAPS LOCK key?"

OVERHEARD BY ADRIAN

Guy Discussing His Vacation Plans

"I believe in signs, dude. I took a dump and it was totally shaped like a boot. I'm going to Italy."

OVERHEARD BY ALICIA

Overheard Lines Is On A Four-Day Holiday

"Back on Tuesday the 8th. Have an independent weekend."

SAID BY TIM

Probably Not The Girl In The Last Post

"I got a dress with a higher neckline and when I got the pictures back I looked like a 40 year old soccer mom! My mom said she liked it and all my other dresses look a little slutty. But I don't care if my tits fall in the salad, I'm not wearing that soccer mom dress again!"

OVERHEARD BY WHURLEY

'Depends What The Meaning Of "Big" Is'

"No, the 32 double-A is just too big."

OVERHEARD BY PATRICIA

After A Near-Fatality When A Child Fell Into A Hole Dug By Geologists

"Well, if those gynecologists hadn't left that hole uncovered...."

OVERHEARD BY PATRICIA

'Because I'm Pretty Sure Either One Is Possible'

Guy: "I stopped at the Gay Pride Festival and bought a sausage."
Girl: "Literally or figuratively?"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Overheard On The T Train

Boy 1: "This is the Church Street stop. Do you want to go to the Church Street stop? Hey, do you want to go to the Church?"
Boy 2: "Wanna go to the Church? Are you trying to hit on her?"
Boy 1: "No! If I were hitting on her I would ask if she wanted to get off at Orgasm Street."

OVERHEARD BY CHANTAE

Overheard In A Movie Theater After The First Lord Of The Rings Movie

Girl 1: "There's gonna be a sequel, right?"
Girl 2: "Yeah, it's a trilogy; there's six of them."

OVERHEARD BY MOLLY

Step One: Stop Ingesting Them First....

Guy Smoking A Cigarette While Drinking A Beer: "You should go jump in the pool if you're so hot!"
Girl Smoking A Cigarette While Drinking A Beer: "I can't. I need to sweat all of the toxins out of my system!!!"

OVERHEARD BY HEATHER

And You Can Almost Hear All The Sarcastic Options Running Through His Head

Boss: "Hey, Mark!"
Mark: "Yeah?!"
Boss: "Are you still here?"

OVERHEARD BY MEGAN

American Guy Apparently On His Way To Meet An Irish Stereotype

Guy: "She's Irish, so I really hope at some point she says, 'Shut yer piehole!'"
Girl: "I could pay her ten bucks to say it, unless that would violate the Piehole Code."
Guy: "First rule of piehole: There is no Piehole Code."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Overheard Lines: The One-Act Play

Guy: "Your cottage at the lake sounds like a good time. Does it have air conditioning?"
Girl: "Uh, no, it doesn't even have a shower!"
Guy: "So, all those times you asked me to go up there, and you never mentioned that it didn't have a shower or AC?"
Girl: "Yeah, we're like the Beverly Hillbillies of the lake."
Guy: "Where do you shower then?"
Girl: "We don't. Or if we do, we do it in the lake."
Guy: "You shower IN the lake?!?"
Girl: "Yeah, do you know how embarrassing it is to stick a loofa between your legs in front of your uncle?"
Guy: "Can't say that I do..."

OVERHEARD BY WHURLEY

Overheard On The 43 MUNI Bus As It Careened Around A Corner

"Is Sandra Bullock at the wheel or what?"

OVERHEARD BY ANGELA

It's 'Jaws' Meets 'Cinnabon' At A Highway Rest Stop

Out-Of-Breath Cinnabon Manager To Employees After Running In From Outside: "Three buses. All kids. We're gonna need more buns."

OVERHEARD BY JAMES

Mother To Child Running Through Museum

"Don't run away with your imagination!"

OVERHEARD BY ZOE

Two Reluctant Dieters Choosing Between Chef's Salad And Salad Bar

"The problem with the Chef's Salad is that it's so finite."

OVERHEARD BY CLAIRE

The Problem With Being Both Hard Of Hearing And Dirty Of Mind

Man: "Aha! I finally found the seam in the plastic!"
Woman: "Semen plastic??? I don't want any of that cheese!"

OVERHEARD BY TASNICKER

Brother And Sister Talking About, Um....

Boy: "See, it's gonna be about this tall [holds up hands for description], and this big [pinches fingers together]."
Girl: "Mhmm."
Boy: "Yeah, it's gonna be just like this french fry. Gonna be this tall [holds up hands again] and this big [holds up french fry]."
Girl: "Yep."
*silence*
Girl: "Actually, I have no idea what you're talking about anymore."

OVERHEARD BY LADYOFTHEICE

Guy Making Theatre Geek Insult About Hefty Innkeeper In Ashland,OR

"Didn't you want to ask that guy if he ever played Falstaff, except that that would be rude?"

OVERHEARD BY MK

Overheard At Denny's At 3 AM

"I could be wrong, but there may or may not be a live turkey in here..."

OVERHEARD BY SHAHALA

Guess He's Not A Movie Buff

Lady Waiting For J Train: "Hey, you ever seen 'Pulp Fiction'?"
Dog: [silence, sits down on sidewalk]

OVERHEARD BY LIAM

Girl Planning For Her Future

Girl 1: "You can eat anything in prison."
Girl 2: "Naw, they just give you bread and water."
Girl 2: "Not in Celebrity Prison."
Girl 1: "You're not a celebrity."
Girl 2: "Yes, I am."
Girl 1: "I never heard of you."
Girl 2: "Not yet."

OVERHEARD BY KIMBERLY

Lady At Children's Play Place Holding Teething Infant

"That was a really long drawn out story, with lots of drooling and biting involved."

OVERHEARD BY APRIL

'Wrong' Is A Four-Letter Word

Girl: "What's your locker combo? Isn't it 'cheese'?"
Guy 1: "It needs to be five letters..."
Guy 2: "Cheese is a five-letter word."

OVERHEARD BY TOBYLURIO

Kid Who Needs To Work On His Poker Face

Kid: "Who would throw chess pieces out a window?!?"
Teacher: "You!"
Kid: "Heh heh...Yeah..."

OVERHEARD BY TOBYLURIO

Chuck Todd, Slaughtering The Very Thing He's Talking About

"There is reasons to use language the way we use it."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Overheard At High School Awards Ceremony

Biology Teacher: "Hey, if the English teacher can read a poem, I can bring out a human skull, okay?"

OVERHEARD BY LADYOFTHEICE

Older Man To Couple, Unknowingly Continuing Our Junk Food Theme

"They're damn Oreos. You know you're gonna want more than that."

OVERHEARD BY TASNICKER

Guy On Those Little 100 Calorie Packs

"That's just enough Doritos to piss me off."

OVERHEARD BY LLOYD

Brave Girl Willing To Suffer For Her, Um...

Girl 1: "I like those jeans on you."
Girl 2: "I do too but they're made out of a really heavy material. It would take me twice as long to walk home if it rained and they got wet."

OVERHEARD BY CALISTRO

'Unless It's A Cactus'

Girl 1: "I just love my new plants, but I threw away the instructions!"
Girl 2: "Uh, add water."

OVERHEARD BY IRIS

'I Think He Also Sings "Hotel California"'

Guy 1: "Hey, do you know who sings Itsy Bitsy Spider?"
Guy 2: "Um, I think my mom.... No, my dad!"

OVERHEARD BY WHURLEY

Proof That Context Is Everything (Which Is Why We Rarely Provide Any)

Man In Airport, Loudly, To His Wife: "The Invisible Gorilla has escaped!"

OVERHEARD BY ERIN

Homeless Guy In The Mission, Yelling To His Friend

"Dude, you better be careful, cause if you die, I'm gonna be mad as hell at you. And if your ghost comes back, I'll kill it!"

OVERHEARD BY REESE

I'm Sure Our Readers Could Come Up With Many Reasons (And Put Them In The Comments Section)

Girl: "I just don't understand it. Why would you step on a fish?"
Guy: "I completely understand it. Why wouldn't you step on a fish?"

OVERHEARD BY SARAH

Guy Grabbing His Beer Belly, Shaking It At A Baseball Game Vendor Selling Light Beer

“LIGHT BEER!!? You think I got THIS by drinking LIGHT BEER?!!!”

OVERHEARD BY MIKE

Social Work Professor To Classroom

"If you need all of your clients to like you, you should be a bartender."

OVERHEARD BY LOREN

24-Year-Old, In Response To Her High Score On An IQ Test

"This will show those people who think I'm more stupider than I really am!"

OVERHEARD BY WALT

'One Wins Every Single Election That Their Country Holds; The Other's A Democrat'

Girl states she doesn't think "just anyone" should be able to vote in presidential elections.
Guy: "What, you're not a Communist, are you?"
Girl: "I don't really know the difference between Communists and Democrats."

OVERHEARD BY AME

Overheard In The Double-U, A, L, Squizzle, M, A, R, T

Woman: "Where's my shopping cart?"
Man: "I moved it over there. You know how that song goes, 'ya park it like it's hot'? I parked it like you got groceries."

OVERHEARD BY LADYOFTHEICE

In A Very Quiet Office

"Will somebody make some noise so I can bite my apple?"

OVERHEARD BY TIFFANY

High School Student At Lowell High School

"She's a two faced bitch, but not in a bad way."

OVERHEARD BY EMILY

'Do You Have Enough For Everyone?'

Girl to Guy: "If you do that, you won't get a treat. And you know what I mean by treat."

OVERHEARD BY ZOE

Woman At Rock Concert Seriously Underestimating Her Mother's Intelligence

Woman: "Would you like some earplugs, Mom?"
Mom: "Yes."
Woman: "Here you go. Do you know how to use them?"

OVERHEARD BY JEFF

Practical Man Eating A Bowl Of Beans

"If I stop eating for too long, I might realize I'm full."

OVERHEARD BY TASNICKER

Mum Defending Her Dog To Grumpy Colleague

Colleague: "She barks every time someone walks past the house. It drives me mad!"
Mum: "Well, don't you say hello to people when you see them?"
Colleague: "Not bloody strangers I don't!"

OVERHEARD BY LOST DREAMER

Nerds In Love

Guy: "You're such a big nerd, but I still love you."
Girl: "I'm not a nerd, I'm an intellect!"
Guy: "Okay, see, right there...."

OVERHEARD BY WHURLEY

Non-San Franciscans Will Have No Idea What This Means

Dude Walking Down Valencia Street: "I could never date a Mission girl. She'd see right through me."

OVERHEARD BY JACQUI

'He's A Busy Guy; He's Got Places To Be...."

Girl 1: "I can't believe daylight savings was last week and Easter is this month, too."
Girl 2: "I thought easter was in April."
Girl 1: "Not this year."
Girl 2: "What, did Jesus rise up early this year!?"

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

'Some Names Are Just Too Un-American To Handle'

Omry: "I want a meal number five."
Jack-In-The-Box Worker: "Okay. Anything else?"
Omry: "No."
Jack-In-The-Box Worker: "Okay. What's your name?"
Omry: "Omry."
Jack-In-The-Box Worker: "Uhhh.... Mike?"
Omry: (sighs) "...Mike."

OVERHEARD BY YANIV

Overheard In Medical School

Instructor: "When interviewing a male patient about how much alcohol he drinks, multiply his answer by 2; for his sex life, divide his answer by two."
Male Student: "What about female patients?"
Female Student (From The Back Of The Room): "Multiply both by five!"

OVERHEARD BY WALT

Little Girl With A Clear Case Of Cabin Fever

"I'm gonna jump up and down until I get a bad, bad spanking."

OVERHEARD BY JIM

World's Best Way To Start A Story

Old Guy: "You see that bar over there? That's a gay bar. Now, I didn't know that at first...."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

'Cause You Look So Humongously...I Mean, Cause You're Such A Giant...I Mean...Congratulations'

Woman At Baby Shower: "Hey, maybe you'll have a 15 pound baby!"

OVERHEARD BY TASNICKER

Women Watching 'Deal Or No Deal' At Work

Woman 1: "You should get you one of those dresses and wear it for his birthday."
Woman 2: "Oh, no. I'm not like that."
Woman 1: "Yeah, they sure got their puppies way up there, don't they?"

OVERHEARD BY HEATHER

'So She's Really More Of An Investment'

Man In Wal-Mart: "This is my wife, but I get a crazy check for her every month."

OVERHEARD BY LADYOFTHEICE

Guy On MUNI: Your Place For Politics

"I've got to stop watching politics on TV. Last night I dreamt about Evan Bayh."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

A Bunch Of Old Farts At Breakfast

Old Guy 1: "Have I ever shown you pictures of my grandkids?"
Old Guy 2: "No, that's what I've always liked about you."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Guy Who's Really, Really Lost

"Is that the Eiffel Tower?...Oh, no, it's an oil rig."

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Motivational Speech By McDonald's Manager

Manager: "Smile! Let everybody see your teeth."
Employee: "What if you don't have any teeth?"
Manager: "Let 'em see your gums!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

We're Guessing She Meant Something Cleaner

Girl 1: "Can I do a small load at your house?"
Girl 2: "In my toilet?"

OVERHEARD BY MICHELLE

'They Watch A Lot Of Nick At Nite In Budapest'

Girl Commenting About Her New Haircut: "I'm, like, one snip away from looking like Carol Brady. I guess that's what I get for going to a mall salon in a foreign country."

OVERHEARD BY MARGOT

A New Martin McDonagh Play, or If This Title Makes Sense To You, Then You Might Be A Theater Geek

Pregnant Woman: "Here, rub my belly." 

Coworker 1: "I'd rather not touch your stomach while you're pregnant. I don't want to give your baby any birth defects."
Coworker 2: "It's okay. I've kicked a pregnant woman before and her kid is fine. I'm pretty sure."
Pregnant Woman: "WHAT?!"
Coworker 2: "Well, she was attacking me. It was self-defense!"

OVERHEARD BY MARGOT

Girl At Jimmy Johns Sub Place

"I always order a pickle with my sandwich, but I have them cut it into quarters so I don't look like a big whore eating it."

OVERHEARD BY WHURLEY

Jovial Old Guy On Plane

"Eco-terrorism!? Ha ha. They make up words for everything these days!"

OVERHEARD BY MK

'Hail Romaine!'

Guy: "I hope they have pizza at this meeting."
Coworker: "I think they're just having chicken Caesar salad."
Guy: "Oh, I really just wanted Italian food, but I guess Roman food is fine."

OVERHEARD BY WHURLEY

Perfect For Today


Woman 1: "I can't believe it's March already!"

Woman 2: "Well, that's because it's not. It's a leap year."

OVERHEARD BY MARGOT

'That Explains Why Everyone Was Dressed Like Heinekens'

Girl: "Hey, Steve, what's the theme of your guys' party tonight?"
Steve: "Uhhhh, beer?"

OVERHEARD BY WHURLEY

Nervous Guy In Bar, Smiling Sheepishly At His Date

"Actually, I've never gotten a booty call."

OVERHEARD BY MARIANNA

Guy Giving Very, Very, Very Slight Compliment To His Friend

"You're like a sociopath, only a little more friendly."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Woman With Less Of A Glow Than Usual

Woman: "Ohhh, what are you having?"
Pregnant Woman: "A baby."
Woman: "Awww, what kind of baby?"
Pregnant Woman: "Human."
Woman: "Okay, well, good luck!"

OVERHEARD BY WHURLEY

Logicians At SFO Airport

Girl: "Is that guy the pilot?"
Guy: "He's either the pilot or the co-pilot."
Girl: "God is my co-pilot."
Guy: "Then he must be the pilot."

OVERHEARD BY MK

Two Girls At The GAP

Girl 1: "Man, these shoes are killing my feet."
Girl 2: "Oooh, they sound cute. Let me see."

OVERHEARD BY MK

'Could You Be Any More Vague?'

Student To Teacher: "Are some of these things in other things?"

OVERHEARD BY ZOE

'Even Though Two Of Them Are Dead'

Girl: "I would go out with the Beatles, 'cause they're so handsome and British."

OVERHEARD BY ZOE

Things Only Musicians Can Say With A Straight Face

One Cellist To Another: "I'm gonna stick this in your f-hole!"

OVERHEARD BY ZOE

Most Meaningless Gesture In The World

Man Who Never Locks His House, To His Out-Of-State Girlfriend:
"Remind me to have a set of house keys made for you."

OVERHEARD BY ABIGAIL

Two Women Who've Watched Too Much 'House, M.D.'

"Speaking of Lupus, how are you feeling?"

OVERHEARD BY ZOE

Women In Social Security Office, On Subtle Safety Cues

Woman 1: "Nice blue color. Probably supposed to be for a calming effect, huh?"
Woman 2: "And if that doesn't work, we have the security guard."

OVERHEARD BY TASNICKER

World's Most Ambivalent Superbowl Fan

Guy: "Go football teams! Win and lose!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Old Society Nob Hill Lady And Her Chauffeur

Her: "So there was a nasturtium in my salad, and then I ate it."
Him: (deadpan) "My that was eventful, I bet."

OVERHEARD BY JONATHAN

'It's Nice To See Young People Striving'

Two Girls In One Of The Science Buildings At Oregon State University:

Girl 1: "I’d be a genetic scientist if it didn’t take an ass-ton of math."
Girl 2: "That would be tight!"

OVERHEARD BY ROD

Co-Worker On Being Told To 'Keep Up The Good Work!'

"He has me confused with someone who has potential."

OVERHEARD BY MK

'What's The Worst That Could...Oh, Yeah, Right.'

Girl: "I used to work a crisis hotline, but I was really bad at it."

OVERHEARD BY ERIN

'If You'd Just Pay Attention.... It's Cannibalism, Duh!'

Mom and Little Girl in Portland Streetcar:
Mom: "So you're a pickle that eats humans?"
Girl: "NO! I'm a pickle that eats pickles!"

OVERHEARD BY LOTTIE

Two Obviously Bored (And Disturbed) Old Men In A Doughnut Shop

"I just wanna grab a 356 magnum and watch a rat explode."

OVERHEARD BY TOMMY

21-Year-Old Girl In North London, Reading A Picture Book To A Kid And Thinking It's Non-Fiction

"You know unicorns, yeah? Were they alive, like dinosaurs, yeah? Or are they another one of them myth things?"

OVERHEARD BY MIM

Budget-Conscious Romeo To Potential Juliet, In Palo Alto Dance Club

"Hey, is your shirt expensive? Because you look so hot in it, I can totally rip it off you right now, but I'd totally replace it, if it's not too expensive."

OVERHEARD BY EUGENIA

Girl In School Library, Realizing Her Picture's Been Tagged On Facebook

"Please don't tell me I look like my picture."

OVERHEARD BY MANSI

Stereotypes Come To Life In Haight-Ashbury

Guy: "Do you know what time it is, man? It's 4:19, man! That means we only have 1 minute left or we will be late. Hurry up!"

OVERHEARD BY GINA

Woman Sending Clear Signal To Poor Sap On Date

"I can't believe she made out with you! That makes me want to vomit."

OVERHEARD BY PEETIE

Women At A Restaurant

Woman 1: "How are you liking married life?"
Woman 2: "It's okay. He's the best one yet."

OVERHEARD BY TRISH

Couple Having World's Hottest Lunch

Girl: "It's hot. Really hot."
Guy: "A little blood just came out of my ears."

OVERHEARD BY TASNICKER

College Girl At Hipster Coffee Shop

"I should have never taken a class where I only understood one word in the title."

OVERHEARD BY CHAELY C

Cellphone Guy Talking To Either That Guy From 'Man vs. Wild' Or Some Dude From A Really Weird Fetish Site

"So you were inside a dead camel? What did the guy filming it say?"

OVERHEARD BY MARIANNA

Woman At New Year's Party, On The Perils Of Dating

"We watch different CSI's. We watch different Law & Order's. We're totally incompatible!"

OVERHEARD BY TIM

Girl Explaining Why She Doesn't Like To Exercise

"It's just that I'm the sedimentary type."

OVERHEARD BY PATRICK

Gorgeous Redhead In Her Own Self-Defense

"The funny thing is, I wasn't ever a slut until after I had sex for the first time."

OVERHEARD BY TASHA

We're Hoping O.B. Comments On This One

Sister 1: "This country is so tasteless. I can't wait to go to Britain, where there's class."
Sister 2: "I hate Britain. It's just like America, only with unintelligible accents."

OVERHEARD BY SAHRA